Emotional Domination

Yuan​(dom female) - Your post reminded me of a line I read in a book
"You don't get to choose if you get hurt in this world...but you do have some say in who hurts you. I like my choices."

SirsBabyDoll​(sub female){Pizza+☕} - For myself, I believe that when I lie to stay safe, I am NOT ONLY betraying myself and my values, but I am being a hypocrite. How can I ask someone to be honesty and authentic if I am unwilling to be so myself?

That right there, that absolute hatred of hypocrisy, keeps me from being able to lie.

But my question is, how do we balance boundaries and limits with "being okay to be loved by someone else as they express it."?

DaddyDrago{LilAmethys} - It is a challenge!!!!

It is being able to discern the motive behind the boundary or limit.

I have a boundary (as described above) of not accepting being disrespected. Now, that motive is not so pure. It is because 'I' have trauma around it. Is someone else responsible to tip-toe around my trauma? I would say no. Oh, if they care they may be gentle.....cautious.....kind.....compassionate.......but if the way in which they choose to love me lands on me as disrespectful......who is honest? I cannot purport that they are not.....I do not know their heart most assuredly. So, the default......the ONLY thing WE can be responsible for is OURSELVES. OUR response. And, what our body tells us of the honesty within this person (more on that below).
There are ways Amethyst cares for me that is VERY difficult for me to receive. It is NOT her fault I struggle. Either I accept her care.....or I do not. Either choice I make creates a challenge......one is for me.....the other is for US. Which one do you think is the most necessary???

IF I am sincerely unable to receive her care in a given way.....because it presses on whatever within me......ok....that is a conversation. BUT.....this is where surrender comes in.....because 'I' get to let go and trust. Even though EVERYTHING within me screams not to at times. Either I step into the uncomfortable and accept this can be good for my healing......or I retreat in my fear and push her away. Which, ultimately.....will only end up damaging the connection long term.
We EACH have to decide for ourselves our personal capacity.....to be sure......but it is a hard row to hoe when we say we desire to be loved, cared for, respected..... and then put parameters around it to suit our fears.

It goes directly back to the same conversation we have had earlier......fear and love can NOT coexist in the same space. It is one or the other. If we truly want, desire, seek, need, hope for, wish to be loved in ALL our humanness......WE PLAY A MASSIVE ROLE IN ALLOWING OURSELVES TO BE. NOT defined by how we would like it to be.....because that is awfully narcissistic and egotistical. Asking someone to love us as we define it needs to be, at the same time asking someone to take us as we are and not expect us to be something more than where we are today. THAT IS HYPOCRITICAL. We do NOT get to simultaneously ask someone to love all of us and then not allow someone to love all of us in the only way they know how by being all of themselves!

Yes, there is discernment on whether what someone is offering is actually care.....or manipulation. THAT is generally where our fear comes in and asks us to run as fast as we can. This is where it becomes necessary, or as I navigate this space anyway, to learn to trust your intuition. Your gut. And that does mean we have to suss out our fears. Become intimately knowledgeable of them....how they are activated. Where they stem from. So we can point to the land mines for others and our sake. I mean, how else can we nurture a healthy relationship built on trust?

It is difficult to trust someone who wanders blindly through their own mine fields and then asks if you want to come along!!!

And, a healthy trust exercise is allowing someone who has known you for a time show you some of those landmines......you then get to draw a map. A fairly reliable one. One that can always take on more information....sure. But, a good starting point.

Boundaries, as I have said before, are the way in which we show others how to love us. BUT, boundaries are for US as individuals. They are not meant to be restrictive to others. They are simply there for us to grow in the healthiest way possible. That does not necessarily preclude the reality that we may be hurt, devastated, pained, crushed, made uncomfortable along the way. I have several boundaries.....not one of them has EVER stopped someone from harming me if they so chose to. Those same boundaries have, however, comforted me and bolstered me when others were attempting to do me harm. They ground me into what serves me. Not because they are safe per se. Rather, because they exist to nurture the best of me.

Example:

Master Jeff flogging me on the cross.
I am not a submissive. Not a bottom. Never will be. I had a boundary of, "No do not make me do this!" BUT, you know what? That was born from my fear. My ego. Big bad dominant will 'appear' soft and weak if he 'allows' himself to surrender into the moment. There is NO weakness in vulnerability. NONE. In fact I would go so far as to say it is one of the strongest things you can do.
My 'boundary' was born from my fear. I did not want to surrender (be vulnerable and let go) because I was afraid of how I would appear to others. AND, how I would feel about myself. I mean, at the time, I panicked about, "What if I actually enjoy surrender?!?!?!?!?! What will that mean for my whole outlook?????" I was scared to death to step into a space that felt crunchy. The boundary was not honest. It was a mask. A fakery. A hypocrisy. A way I lied to myself and said, "This is the ONLY way I can show up and be safe. Any other way is too dangerous and threatens my personal worldview. Or my physical, emotional, mental safety."

We OFTEN call something a boundary ONLY because it serves us to not look at the thing which is uncomfortable to witness within ourselves. AKA.....FEAR.

A boundary is meant to hem us inside a fence of love.....not create a wall between us and anyone else. Inside that fence we are meant to thrive. Enjoy the sunshine. Allow the grass to grow thick, lush, and green. Receive the water and sun, including the storms of life. Too many build a fortress and call it a boundary. Successfully hiding behind the walls keeping everything out (or so we imagine, even if it is untrue).

Boundaries and limits naturally balance our lives out when they make us a healthier, happier, brighter, more whole human. Again, that is NOT the same as life being pleasurable. We have to take the storms with the sunshine in order to grow.
So, when someone attempts to love us in the way they do........do they HONESTLY make us healthier, happier, brighter and a more whole human being?????
Even if it is uncomfortable??
Even if it isn't always fun????
Even if it is scary????
If the answer deep within you is a yes.......then you already have the balance organically. If it is a no......you do not need to understand it.....just honor it.
Because the price of our peace is TOO valuable to allow someone else to build a prison for us with their 'rules' or 'how we should show up'.

SirsBabyDoll​(sub female){Pizza+☕} - Drago, I've read this twice now and I'll be responding later after I get some sleep but I wanted to address something quickly, because it's important.

"I have a boundary (as described above) of not accepting being disrespected. Now, that motive is not so pure. It is because 'I' have trauma around it."

Message received so please accept my apology. Truly, I was just trying to be playful. For ME, the more comfortable I am with someone, the more trust and respect I have for someone, the more likely I am to be a smart ass (minus the masochist). It can sometimes be difficult to judge where that line is. Maybe WE should have a safeword, so that it helps me see that line a bit better.

(This can apply to friendships as well)
https://youtu.be/6eM8OIaX2-w

DaddyDrago{LilAmethys} - I promise, you did me no such disrespect......frankly, you are not close enough to me to ever cause me to feel disrespected in the first place.
I know that may sound like hurt or a jab at you. I swear it is not intended that way. It is simply an honesty. The only people that can actually press on my trauma are those whom I have some sort of intimacy in a relationship with. Be they friends or otherwise. It takes a LOT for me to be vulnerable with someone. And I am not vulnerable in online spaces per se.....not in my lens any way. Or maybe it is fair to say my lens of vulnerability is not necessarily my communication in online spaces

You have done me no harm. Promise.

I value our conversations.

IF I was EVER in a space where I felt disrespected, slighted, or that maybe I was being cruelly treated I assure you that I have the words to stand up and express my displeasure of such and am not even the slightest afraid to do so.

Please, I encourage you with something, if I do not tell you there is a problem.....trust there is not one.
You are not responsible for 'guessing' where I am or what 'might' set me off. I am a big boy and can communicate succinctly such spaces.

Please enjoy a peaceful rest.

SirsBabyDoll​(sub female){Pizza+☕} - I realized I never responded and since the boy child is railfanning in the heat and I'm sitting in the car HIDING from said heat, I'm gonna respond.

*Stabs chest* but...but....I thought we were buddies!? "Not close enough..."..."The only people that can actually press on my trauma are those whom I have some sort of intimacy in a relationship with. Be they friends or otherwise."

"Be they friends or otherwise"...🤔. I get the "intimacy" part cause...yeah, nooo...but please try to hear how that sounds to me, especially after all this time. What I'm hearing is that while you enjoy the mental exersize, you do not consider our banter and exersizes as part of a friendship.

DaddyDrago{LilAmethys} - Not at all!!!

And I do know it sounded as if I was saying there was no friendship between us......that's why I prefaced it with I know how that may sound.

My definition of intimacy is just different.......
To me it's one thing to be online as an armchair/keyboard warrior and be 'open' in the safety of the anonymity.
It is another thing altogether to be in someone's presence as they see you squirm uncomfortably with an honesty that is difficult for you to navigate. To ME that is vulnerable.
Online? Nah. I can with a few clicks disappear where know one knows me and pretend to be ANY ONE. That anonymity is 'safe' and my vulnerability has no real push back or measuring stick as to the voracity or challenge of it.

In this lens, what another person thinks, responds, how they show up or treat me or how I show up......yeah.....it is a simple navigation in comparison!!!!!! 😜

That does NOT negate our friendship!!!
It simply means that nothing you could do within this friendship would ever really make me 'uncomfortable' or press on some trauma of mine (at least not that I am aware of today).
There are FEW people on this planet that truly KNOW me. And none of those are online.
You, and others, know what I show. Again, it is very difficult to show others my discomfort or personal struggles in a real sense that another would understand in an online spaces. Too much is simply lost in translation.

SirsBabyDoll​(sub female){Pizza+☕} - Thank you for clarifying your stance. I needed that clarification (especially with my history of Limerence 🙄). As always, (😉), I disagree with a few points. (I think this game we play is becoming an addiction...point/counter-point. Maybe we need therapy..🤪🤣🤪).

Just because a person can do a thing, doesn't mean that they CAN do a thing. Sure, you could slink off to the far corners of the internet and pretend to be Joe BlowMeHard from Antarctica, but nah...your CHARACTER prevents you from doing so. You could NEVER do that. Your character prevents you from being anything but authentic and honest. So, when I read your statement, it hit me hard and my first reaction was to question my own understanding of our interactions.

While I agree that there is some 'protection' in the anonymity of online interactions and yes, there is a HUGE difference between online and in person reactions (that whole sixth sense thing), if you spend enough time talking, enought time talking ONLINE, a person CAN develop a similar perception. You had said previously that I didn't need to "guess" at how you react to comments I make. Pfft! There ain't no guessin' about it. You, Sir, have "tells". I KNOW that you didn't appreciate my "Domly Dom card" crack. Do you have the ability to call me on my shit? Yup. Do you always make the choice to do so? Nope. My cracks have never been to the level that you weren't able to take a breath and brush it off. You just simply withdraw engagement.

And that withdrawal...is FINALLY ringing as loud and as clear as thunder. *THAT'S* when I knew, "Oops, crossed a line there kiddo. Time to make amends." Needless to say, I would never want to experience your "lighting" side. Nope. Hard pass, thank you very much.

I've seen (some) of your vulnerable side. I've seen a sore spot of two. I've experienced a moment or two of the "no trespassing" signs. Do I know your favorite color? Do I know if you have 11 toes? Do I know how you like your coffee? Do I know if you can swim or what you sing when no one is around? Nope. I don't need to either to the person. To know when you are shielding your pain or when you've had a REEEEEEEEALLY good *echm* time with Amethyst recently. I hear it in your writing voice.

I don't ever have to meet someone for them to be my friend, for me to be vulnerable with them. I don't ever need to hear their voice for them to be granted influence over my perceptions. At some point, their opinions are taken into consideration. I still retain the choice to agree and act on them, or to disregard them, but they are considered because I respect them THAT MUCH.

You *both* fall into that category. You BOTH have made me cry more times than I can recall. You BOTH have had influence over my perceptions and I have followed the opinions of the BOTH of you, even when it was uncomfortable for me.

Further down in this thread, I told Eros that you were one of the few people that I would trust to wield the business end of a while or belt. What was implied but unspoken was the last two words of that sentence...."on me". *Looks over the rim of.my glasses at you*

Now THAT is trust....

And respect.

DaddyDrago{LilAmethys} - Of course WE appreciate your trust and respect.
We take that desperately serious. Sincerely. We work diligently as humans to be honest and authentic as much as we know how. For ourselves firstly......and of course my character would not let me run off into the ether!! The point wasn't that I would.....the point was that there is little risk in online spaces.... for ME.
And yes, maybe that is because I am increasingly more comfortable with who I am to the extent that another's lens of me in a disparaging light does not honestly affect me?? Idk.

Sometimes you misread me silence.......and that's ok you know. Sometimes I am just busy. Or eating. Or what have you.
The Domly Dom card is an example of that. It did not bother me. I laughed when I read it and moved on.
It is honest to say that I have a very definite way I lead Amethyst. And I listen to NO ONE around how to do so. Or what they think I should do. So there are pieces that I bristle at when others attempt to 'tell me' how to navigate with her. But that comment honestly was not one of those moments. Amethyst had just gotten home and I was taking her out for BBQ at a restaurant nearby. My lack of response was just my busyness.
As I expressed before......I will let anyone know if I felt disrespected or otherwise had some sort of feelings around an interaction IF it is worth my time to do so. And yes, only I get to decide that.
By worth my time I ask myself a few questions......

Will this individual be able to see the point I would be trying to make? If not, it is not worth my time.

Will this individual respect my lens if we disagree? If not, it is not worth my time or energy.

Will this individual take my lens personally? If so, it is not worth my time.

One thing 'I' (and many others that I know) as a dominant value above ALL things is peace.

Peace of heart.
Peace of mind.
Peace of ears.
Peace of words.

If ANY interaction I engage in will take any peace from me I will NOT engage with it. Period. It is a hard limit for me. I have worked violently hard to find a place within myself where peace rules, guides, lives. For ME, it is balance and calm.

Why?

Because life is chaotic.
Because submissives NEED calm, quiet, resolute, steadfastness.

That includes my friendships (looks at you deadpan seriously).

I choose to interact with you. My choice. Because you have NEVER attempted to rob me of my piece. A LOT of submissives do. Maybe they do so unknowingly......but they truly attempt to drag you into their drama. And I am simply not interested. You have ALWAYS owned yourself. That speaks incredibly highly in my lens of who the fuck you are as a woman and human.

I agree. Friendships can be quite deep and real whether online or long distance. I do not intend to insinuate otherwise. I simply make the point that being vulnerable with someone face to face is a whole different level of uncomfortable than doing so within written word. I personally do not find writing, opening up or being honest in writing vulnerable. Nor do I see having a conversation on the phone or Skype or any other electronic means as vulnerable. But that's just ME. Because I can walk away from everyone of those interactions and go process quietly to myself. Face to face, there often is no place to run. Especially in the moment. When we are feeling triggered or uncomfortable it is felt and witnessed to the extent that there is no way to ignore it.
We can debate the Skype thing.....although I would say I could easily excuse myself to the restroom to gain my composure and come back with the smoothest of poker faces (ask me how I know!!!).
Is that honest??? No. It is not. And I work on that. Because I know it is not who I desire to be.

One could say that it is easy for me to show up online in such a way as I do. But in person that same way is a challenge. I do not resent that challenge. In fact I seek to embrace it. But it is honest that a trauma response I have is dealing with my shit in silence. By myself. And do not get me started on how unfair that is in a relationship!!!
Amethyst knows my struggles here!!! But she has also witnessed my honest growth and character in this regard.

But that's the thing......for ME......I do not share such vulnerability in online spaces. Because it is not in real time. It is always a delayed response. Not a moment by moment play by play navigation.
Because I RARELY have any issue that I would navigate with others to begin with. Let alone in an online fashion. I would of course go to Amethyst first with such things and I need nothing else.
So I say again, nothing you can do or say would actually cause me harm or trigger me really. I just do not open myself in that way for anyone. I barely do so for Amethyst!!!

Is that wrong of me???

I try not to look at it as right or wrong......I choose to look at it as honest or dishonest. It is honest that's where I have found myself my whole life. I am not sad. Or feel lonely. Or upset at this reality. I simply accept I have always navigated how I felt or my struggles quietly on my own.
I am LEARNING that does not always serve me. But that takes time of course. And, it takes intimacy (as in, personal privacy with another) that I even more rarely share. Especially with another woman outside of Amethyst!!
And let's face it......men are hard pressed to have these kind of conversational exchanges. Most men are used to navigating in silence as well (I am NOT saying that is necessarily healthy in every moment). And they tend to use logic mostly......including in moments when it is unwarranted.

So,

I communicate with women and heed their wisdom, but navigate it silently within myself or shared with Amethyst as I choose.
My experience has taught me that is the wisest thing I can do......

And that is a writing on the horizon. One that has been brewing for some several years now that I feel is coming to fruition soon. Or so it seems to me anyway.

And I do not express that, again, to dismiss or slight our friendship. In fact, in my lens I express it explicitly because I care and trust our friendship.

One of the easiest things to do is to make the mistake of not holding to a boundary because they are 'friends'.
I no longer make that mistake. When I say you do not know me......that is what I mean. I keep a safe distance. For ME. A boundary. Not because you would ever be unbecoming or intentionally or knowingly ever cross a line. I do not even believe that (if I did I would communicate with you). But because my history has proven the best way to lead, guide, care for friends (especially of the opposite sex) is to maintain a certain level of disciplined detachment and distance. So as not to send any confusing energy.Y experience has taught me that too many male dominants have made the mistake of not doing so and have ruined their reputations and relationships.
I am unwilling to even risk either.

Again, this is NOT about you at all. I act thusly with ANYONE. Especially other submissives.
Because I believe there is integrity behind treating others with respect while treating myself and Amethyst with even more.

All of that to express......my friendship is hard won. I am not an easy human that is friends with many. I am quality over quantity any day.
And when I express that I value our friendship......it is sincere.
While I have my lens around being vulnerable in online spaces and it may be uniquely different from yours......it does not change my appreciation or admiration for the human you are. Including how you show up in my world.

SirsBabyDoll​(sub female){Pizza+☕} - Game, set match...😁

For once, I have no counter point. 🤪

Now THAT, was beautifully said! I am both smiling and crying.

As for the whole "crying in private", dude, we are the SAME! I've mentioned before (to one of you....the conversations sometimes blur because I view you as one big, conversation)...anyways, I recently said that when it comes to the ugly crying, that deep, soul ripping cey...no one has seen that. (Now that I'm thinking about it, it was on Amethyst's blog)....it's one thing to see me cry, it's another thing to see me so violently crying that I cry without tears.

Those are the worst ones, yet, the most needed. Gotta love how God devised THAT fuckin' bit of irony *looks up.."yeah, you. I'm talkin' about you, asshole. 🙄"*

You guys USUALLY have a schedule and if I recall, a few years back you mentioned in a blog that on Fridays, you shut the world out and focus on each other, checking in and...well, whatever. 😉😈. So, every Friday I get all "awww, they are just the cutest!". Yeah, I'm also fuckin' board out of my skull cause frankly, our chess matches are FUN! 🤣 Productive, enlightening, engaging, difficult, frustrating, annoying...but so much fun outside of sex! Lol!

You know how I could tell that your words match your actions? *Looks to your left* I look at her. I see her growth, her strength, her femininity, her blossoming, her control, her calmness (yes Amethyst, you have grown calmer...). Drago, who YOU are is reflected through HER. Even a blind person can see it!

You call yourself an asshole, well, since you are one soul, look at her and think that. You can't, can you? HA! She is you, in motion. If SHE isn't an asshole....*licks finger and marks the air*

I'm sorry that you've had struggles with other submissives. That's not ok. Have I done it? Have I tried to drag other into my drama of the moment? Yes. Unfortunately I have. Something told me that it was a no-go zone with you though. Did it piss me off that I couldn't vent to you both about...lets just call them "social issues", shall we? Yuppers! But it's ok. It was a part of the road I wasn't meant to share with you. Looking back on it, I'm glad for that. (It was really muddy).

You and I found our own ways of talking. You helped me deal with those issues in a broader way. In OUR way...

I'm pleased to know that I have never tried to rob you of your piece (of ass? 🤣🤣🤣🤣 Thank you DamnitJim! That was awesome!).

Uh oh....a heavy writing forthcoming? I'll make sure I'm fully stocked in coffee. I'm sure I'll probably be reading it several times before I comment (seriously, I can't tell you how many times lately that I'm reading something twice or three times, absorbing it multiple ways, JUST to be able to comment. Then POOF, novels....). Personally, I automatically assume that you sit there and read out loud to her the "next chapter" of our conversations. There you are, sitting in your tighty whities, feet up on the ottoman, burping and farting, doing your best Al Bundy impression and you call out to her, "Hey Babe! She posted the next round of bullshit! Come listen!". Of course, she is like, "Seriously? More? Doesn't she EVER shut UUUUP? You know,, you DONT have to feed her!" 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

What do they say? "You do you, Boo.". She SHOULD be the priority. Helloooo! Of COURSE she is THE person you turn to and yeah, it's fucking hard as hell sometimes, laying your pain bare to the ONE PERSON who can crush you. But I wouldn't kick yourself in the ass JUST YET for struggling.

Are you better now than when you were before? GAWD I hope so! 🙄 so long as you are making movement and not STAYING stagnant, yer fine. Relationships die in stagnant waters. Yeah, sometimes those waters are all salty from our tears and snot, but keep rowin'.

SirsBabyDoll​(sub female){Pizza+☕} - Ok, so now that I've slept and I'm caffeinated (thus the world is safe from my wrath), I can start to discuss your thoughts. Know that, as always, my intent is NOT to attack you. I respect your perspective HUGELY. The following is just my opinion and how *I* see it. I ALSO recognize that sometimes, our thoughts may go faster than we can type and so it may APPEAR like we are contradicting ourselves, but the reality is that we just neglected to connect the dots...well, I know that happens to me, frequently. I forget that other people can't hear my thoughts (that happened with Amethyst the other day but I've yet to clarify my thoughts).

"....fear and love can NOT coexist in the same space. It is one or the other.".

I disagree. I believe they can COEXIST, however, we have the choice as to which is in control. Let me ask you this, does Amethyst love you? Yes she does. Does that live banish fear? Nope. She has fear EVEN as she loves you. What she DOESN'T do is allow fear to PREVENT her from loving you. What about yourself? You said, "Even though EVERYTHING within me screams not to at times. Either I step into the uncomfortable and accept this can be good for my healing......or I retreat in my fear and push her away.". Do you love HER? Yes. Do you still have fear? Yes. Does her love banish away your fear? Nope.

The difference is which is in control of the vehicle that is you. The fear or the love?

Moving on, there are some points that I find problematic. It may be that I am not following your train or thought or it could be that you were unintentionally contradicting yourself. Some concepts are just THAT difficult to explain sometimes.

1) "Asking someone to love us as we define it needs to be, at the same time asking someone to take us as we are and not expect us to be something more than where we are today. THAT IS HYPOCRITICAL."

2)"Boundaries, as I have said before, are the way in which we show others how to love us. BUT, boundaries are for US as individuals. They are not meant to be restrictive to others."

You and I have had MANY discussions surrounding the differences between limits and boundaries. Both you and Amethyst have shared certain boundaries you have installed when dealing with others. As an example, your communication protocols. That boundary was, as you said in the first part of the second point, to "teach others how you are to be loved" (or respected, which is a form of love in my belief). If I recall, you once taught me that boundaries are like the front door of your house. That a person wouldn't just allow anyone to walk in, waunder around, and have access to every room. Having a boundary sets the tone of expected treatment. I agree that we cannot dictate someone else's choices (to cross that boundary or to respect it), however, we ALSO have a choice, to silence our voice and accept that disrespect or to speak up and push the fucker out the proverbial door AS WELL AS making firmer boundaries specific to THEM. So, in that way, yes, they ARE meant to restrict other people.

In the first point is where your thoughts may have been colliding. As you said in the second point, "Boundaries...are the way we show people how to love us". What we CAN do is show people (by means of boundaries), where the line between love and "not love" is. I disagree that it is hypocritical to ask to be accepted AS-IS. In fact, that's usually the starting point of love, isn't it? What we CANNOT do, what WOULD BE hypocritical, is if we did not reciprocate that acceptance.

Love is accepting the "as-is" AS WELL AS seeing the potential in someone.

You both have shared your perspectives surrounding your first meetings as well as where you were in your personal journey and how it differs from where you are now. You both saw the potential within each other but accepted each other AS-IS in those moments. It was because of each other's faith in the character of the other that each of you trusted that you both would CONTINUE to grow into your potential. Your love didn't extinguish your fears but it DID come along for the ride (and continues to).

You mentioned Master Jeff flogging you on the cross and your fears of surrender. While I can understand your feelings, and from your perspective, they ARE valid, I can't help but see the irony in that. Here you are (and most dominants, I suspect), expecting that same surrender from your partners, yet, you all become discontented and disappointed with us when that surrender isn't done so in the manner, speed, and ease that you demand. Isn't that discontentment stemming from you "expecting us to be more than where we are today"? THAT, my friend, is the hypocrisy.

The fact that you spoke of those feelings in the past tense leads me to believe that lesson was imparted upon you by Master Jeff. That HE was teaching you JUST HOW DIFFICULT surrender is.

Unfortunately, sometimes that lesson gets forgotten. Trust takes TIME. How long had you been with Master Jeff at that point? Did he teach that lesson on the first day or did he take the time and grant you patience to work towards that powerful lesson? Did he FIRST have to earn your trust or did he demand it from the first moment? And more to the point, would you have been able to HEAR yourself, through your fear, if soul-trust had not been established first?

I suspect he worked up to that point, step, by step, by step.

Trust, like a ladder, takes work. You cannot up from the bottom rung to the top. You have to take your time, hold onto the edges of your boundaries till you are confident in the stability of the relationship before you can reach the top.

DaddyDrago{LilAmethys} - "....fear and love can NOT coexist in the same space. It is one or the other.".

I hear your disagreement.....and I am NOT here to MAKE you see otherwise.......I will only posit my lens alone. If it has merit to you....cool. Either way, I validate your reasoning and know for you that makes sense and I respect your lens.

Fear and love do not occupy and can never occupy the same space. That maybe a better way to express it. Because, when we allow love in....the fear no longer resides in that space.
Example:
While I have HAD a fear of allowing Amethyst into certain areas of my inner home.....her love has vanquished those fears. She has shown herself trustworthy, so what do I have to fear any longer? In fact, I depend on that love. Lean into it. Honor it. Appreciate it. Cherish it. Because I know how rare it truly is.
Will I EVER be (or anyone) fear free? Probably not. That is NOT the same as being filled with love to the extent that fear has no more foothold or place.
It MAY seek to enforce itself through our ego, mind, et cetera......but that IS the point of courage. I would go so far as to say fear is even necessary and healthy on many levels. Because without it, we fail to recognize the power of love in the face of our fears.


My point of hypocrisy lies in the expectation that we can have (I certainly know I have done this) where I expect someone to love me just like this.........
While also accepting me as I am.
The hypocricy is......I am not accepting them as they are. I am expecting their love to look a certain way. That is NOT as they are. It IS how I SAY I NEED IT TO BE.
THAT is hypocritical.

That is the restrictive nature of boundaries we discussed.
In the analogy of allowing someone in our home the difference is in our choice to open the front door. By inviting someone in there is an expectation that others are allowed to sit on the couch. The way they may love us is by helping us clean out a closet. Or vacuum up from a recent struggle. HOW they help, HOW they love, HOW they support us should NOT be up to us. There IS a way that may SEEM best to us. Most helpful and all that......but if we are to truly love, value, respect, appreciate the other person we get to let them support us how they do. Because, often, not always, the way they love us is a violent breath of fresh air.
It is an interesting conundrum. We trust someone enough to open the front door and allow them into our personal/private space. But, we then start panicking about, "Not there! Don't open THAT door! Not that way!"
Which is well within our right no doubt. The point was, THAT is fear. Yes, we are allowed. BUT, IF we trust them enough to allow them into our inner world......why stop there? I mean, we desire to be loved right?
Yes, you are not wrong, trust IS earned. No one gets the right to go into the attic on day one!!!!!! Fair enough. All things being equal though......at SOME point they are going to earn the right to go wherever.......unless we are so afraid we cannot allow them. And, will we let THEM go into those spaces.....or a version of them that is managed by us? If it is managed by us, is it really love?
Again, hypocrisy is saying, "Come on in to my inner world.....there's pizza in the fridge, bathroom on the left......don't look in that room just yet I am not ready. I appreciate you respecting my home in this fashion: Please take your shoes off. Please do not touch anything. Please breathe only through your nose. Please stand on your head while dancing a jig to a Beastie Boys deep cut." And then say, "I want you to accept me as I am. I am who I am. I get to be in your inner world how I am. You do not get to define how I show up. I pinky swear I will show up really nice. You have no reason to be scared. It's just little ol' me!"

Now, do we ALL have the right to ask others to be respectful? ABSOLUTELY!!!
Do we all have the right to be scared???? ABSOLUTELY!!!
Do we all have the right to ask others to be sensitive, thoughtful, caring, compassionate, merciful, gentle???? ABSOLUTELY!!!

But we do NOT get to define for someone else how anyone of those things looks being extended from them.
The challenge for us is to find someone that respects us enough to ask us what feels safe for us.....because THEY want to support our best selves. NOT because we ask them to show up this way or that. Not because we must convince them to respect our traumas. They either do or they do not......however......if they do, and it just does not necessarily look like it on the face of things....BUT they are gentle, gracious, and patient with us all the same and we KNOW it. MAYBE, just maybe, our fears are telling us it HAS to look a certain way for anyone to be allowed to look much further than the living room of our home. The place we decorate up real nice for the visitor. But the REAL us, is in the closet we barely open because shit will come tumbling out when we do!! If we want deep connection......that's exactly where we need to be able to show our partner. The skeleton. The scary places. Again, of course after trust is earned. That goes without saying really.

But what do we trust in them?????

If what I trust is that they will parrot back to me the things that make me feel safe.......is it truly them? Is it authentic?? Can I REALLY trust that??

Or, do I trust their character? WHO THEY ARE. Who they have REPEATEDLY shown me to be. Even if who they are is confronting? Sometimes bringing up uncomfortable conversations which I do not enjoy navigating? Do they have a heart that honestly wants the best for me even when I am scared? Do they genuinely have NO ulterior motive?

That's where I was with Master Jeff.
I had my boundaries. Fear based as they were.
Could I trust the man he was more than my own inner fear/dialogue?
I put my care in him previously. I began the training journey with him.....would I see it through? The choice was mine.....was I going to open that closet door and trust that WHATEVER came pouring out he would be gentle with?
It did NOT look the way I wanted it to!!!! In fact, I had no clue it was going to look as it did!!!! No one ever does.....and THAT is the point. No one can ever manage, control, discern, discover HOW someone is going to show up from one moment to the next. It is why consistency in a dominant is SO appealing!!! On SOME level, we have to trust. There is no other way around it. And, it most oftentimes means we must lean into our fear. Face it. Look at it. Navigate it. Boundaries are the values we set for ourselves. The minimum requirements to ride the ride!!! (No pun intended you perv!!) But, if an individual easily meets those requirements....how they enjoy the ride is not really allowed to be determined by us is it??? And, if it could be determined by us......would we really want to????? I mean, is that the kind of relationship we really want????

Good dominants, in MY lens, are arms of the Universe doing the bidding of the Powers that be, to pour healing love onto a fearful and wounded soul.
You, me, anyone does NOT get to decide how that should look. We get to simply take it as is.

YES, if it is pure. If it is honest. If it comes with authentic integrity. If it comes with genuine concern for our honest growth (including NOT how they think it should look).
Each one of those If's is a boundary. A tone setter as you put it. A way we pour love towards ourselves. A way we say, "I need this kind of grace." It is NOT a restriction to others.....Oh, those who do not measure up to that standard or value may 'FEEL' it is restrictive. But, is it really too much to ask for someone to be kind, gentle, patient, understanding, gracious, loving???
Really????
Is the bare minimum now a bar that is set SO high????? Because really, no one should have to fight for basic human rights and freedoms in a consensual, committed relationship should they????

The trouble is........men have gotten women for the price of a Klondike bar. So many women have devalued themselves so much that men do not need to put forth the effort. When someone comes along with 'standards' it is seen as high maintenance. When honestly it is just decent civility in humanity.
Conversely, men have quit caring about having integrity and character. Many women have shamed them. Judged them. Used them when they had a kind heart to love that they have chosen to shut down and just become assholes.
ALL FEAR.

We either stop the merry-go-round or we keep puking. It's one or the other!!!!!!!

SirsBabyDoll​(sub female){Pizza+☕} - "How do I love thee? Let me count the ways". Elizabeth Barrett Browning said that.

The answer is "5". That's what we are talking about here, "Love Languages". I can't remember where I learned this but one of the difficulties that WE ALL FACE, and what I believe you are eluding to, is the fact that not everyone SPEAKS the same love language.

Let's say that one person RECEIVES/HEARS love as "acts of service" (*raises hand*) while their partner RECEIVES/HEARS love as "quality time". Because of how each person RECEIVES/HEARS the expression of the love differently, they tend to also GIVE/SPEAK in their "native tongue". The person whose love language is Acts of service will tend to express/SPEAK their love language in the SAME WAY they receive/HEAR it, trying to be of service to the other. Unfortunately, the receiver doesn't view it that way. They experience love as the other person spending time with them.

Learning each other's language takes time and by learning how to speak the other's language, is, in my view, a gift of love.

As I indictated, one of mine is Acts of Service. The act of fulfilling a need (without being asked), of removing a burden from my shoulders conveys to me that you are observant and understanding of my needs. It means I'm in your thoughts and those thoughts are positive, empathetic, and gentle (because those thoughts relating to me dictated your actions). Since Acts of Service ice is one of my languages, is it any wonder why I find fulfillment in both cigar service as well as shaving service?

One of the languages I struggle to accept, is that of "gifts". To me, because of my history, receiving gifts feels.....like a payment of services rendered OR as a bribe for "future services (usually associated, in my mind, with sexual favors).

My former Dom's love language was gift giving. He would want to buy me anything and everything, which in turn, would stir up those feelings of "well shit, because he got me this I need to pay him back by doing that.". It was during this internal struggle that I read the book. Since another of my languages is "communication" (considering how much you and *I* talk...thank you bud! Love ya too! 🤪)...I gave him the book and then explained my struggle. I expressed my graditude, but also expressed my own language. You know what he did? He combined "Acts of Service" and gift giving. He would buy me things I NEEDED but couldn't (at that time) buy for myself. In turn, I learned his non-sexually I terests and when I would buy HIM things, I'd make sure to wrap it nicely. He was the type of person who would unwrap things carefully, folding the paper and saving all the ribbon.

We learned how the other received as well as spoke. We gave the gift of ensuring that the other was HEARING how we were SPEAKING.

Was it hard? Shit yeah! But I know *I* learned how to appreciate his expression of love. I was able to finally see JUST HOW MUCH receiving a gift meant to him. To him, it wasn't just what was inside, but the time, effort, and care that was put into the wrapping that HE viewed as "love". To him, it meant that during the whole process (thinking of him, purposefully going out to get what he would appreciate, wrapping it, and presenting it to him), to HIM, that was love. It was mindfulness....the same way that listening to my gripe, figuring out what solution could be had to ease my burden, purchasing that solution, and ensuring I received it was mindfulness.

Once we learned the basic vocabulary of each other's language, it made it ALOT easier to hear the love when it was spoken in other ways. I could hear his love when he would buy me something like a flower (without feelings of obligation welling up), and he relished when I would perform shaving or cigar service. Yeah, we even got to the point where we both would end up rolling in the sack, but it was filled with joy rather than a sense of duty.

SirsBabyDoll​(sub female){Pizza+☕} - As for the perv? "He who said it first, thunk it first!" 🤣🤣🤣

DaddyDrago{LilAmethys} - Yeah, but how did you know what I was thinking????

Sinner......lol

SirsBabyDoll​(sub female){Pizza+☕} - Um....

Umm....

Cause you're my brothah from anothah mothah?

Cause we write novels to each other, like ALL THE TIME?

Cause we're both kinky fuckers on a kinky website talking about kinky mothah fuckin' things?

Pick one! Make up your own reasons, cause really, they all could apply. Seriously. For all we know, in a different life, maybe we WERE from the same fan-damn-ily.

DaddyDrago{LilAmethys} - OK,
Well, how 'bout......cuz you sick like me!?!?!?!?!

SirsBabyDoll​(sub female){Pizza+☕} - I have NEVER denied my sick and twisted personality. Hell! Even my coworkers fully acknowledge that whatever comes out of my mouth will not only be HIGHLY inappropriate, but that I am a walking, talking HR violation. (Yes, I looked, there ARE tshirts available...on Etsy). I totally need one.

ErosRising​(dom male){Hekate} - 👀

SirsBabyDoll​(sub female){Pizza+☕} - Poor Eros...lol!

ErosRising​(dom male){Hekate} - 🤯

SirsBabyDoll​(sub female){Pizza+☕} - Drago, I directed Eros here and I believe that his brain went *poof*! 🤣🤣🤣 It's probably like trying to watch a competition chess match and not being able to fully understand the strategies being used yet hearing the crowd gasp as a single move is made...lol.

ErosRising​(dom male){Hekate} - I am just going to direct people here for the Trust part of the 4 Pillars.

SirsBabyDoll​(sub female){Pizza+☕} - For all of Drago's faults (being male, a sadist, and a Dom 🤣🤣🤣) (...IM KIDDING!!! Settle those leather scales of your's! 🤣), he is a man of strong integrity and honor. He has EARNED the title of Master and is one of the FEW people I would trust to wield business end of a whip or belt. He also has a keen mind, a compassionate heart, and a straight tongue (not like THAT, you sick perv! 🙄).

ErosRising​(dom male){Hekate} - Well I know you and I trust your judgement. (For the most part. 🤪). J/K.

SirsBabyDoll​(sub female){Pizza+☕} - 🙈🙈🙈🙈