5/21/2020
As I have talked with other dominants I've found several recurring themes.
One, as of late, sticks out because it resonates with a part of where I have been and wrestle with.
Personal failure.
I have made horrible choices in my past. Rest assured, I will make mistakes again in my future. I won't get it right. No matter how desperately I try not to. I am human.
Those voices that scream at us of our weaknesses. Our damage. Our failures. Can be all consuming at times.
Things we wish we wouldn't have said in our anger.
Decisions made to 'make us feel better' when we were deeply hurting.
Going against our own moral code of values because we were scared.
Pain we have felt and simply didn't know how to express except in a painful, hurtful way.
These things can haunt an individual when they're removed from the situation. Hindsight is always clearer. I have questioned what kind of man I am if I can do such things? Who would trust me? I have barely trusted myself because of such spaces and decisions.
And then there is grace. Forgiveness. Mercy. Self-love. Surrender.
I suppose one would think a dominant would have little to do with such things. It's not incredibly macho to struggle. A REAL dominant doesn't falter (such an arrogant lie). We are seen even in the community as stalwarts of confidence, stability, and cohesiveness.
But how else would a dominant even aquire such noble traits if it weren't for their ability to navigate such failures?
And THERE is the key!
It isn't that as dominants we don't struggle. Or we haven't or won't fail. It's that when we do, we learn to better ourselves and rise above them.
It's not that we don't have voices screaming in our heads, "You're such a f**k up!!!" It's that even though we do we learn to use that to fuel us to be more.
That is the secret. How can we ever lead or guide an s type through their myriad of self-worth struggles if we don't understand the struggle? I often feel as if the best dominants are those that have been through hell and back. Those who have had to learn such horrible lesson's because they need to be that strong.
I used to look at my journey as one of self-detonation. Whatever I could mess up I would. Not intentionally, but out of my pain. Out of my fears. Out of my own insecurities. Because all I saw was someone who was too much or not enough.
What I have discovered is that those moments, while horribly painful and haunting even, have made me see myself. I've been afforded the space to reflect on why I found myself in such pain. The choices I made in those moments. The why. The triggers I have held. How my past, my fears, my insecurities have had a hold of me and controlled me. I have been allowed to witness myself. See myself in the mirror and weep. Sob because I was being controlled from past pains that owned me. Lied to by ego so I would stay captive to the mechanisms born from my fear. I have resented seeing these pieces of myself. I have run screaming from them. I have hid from them. Built walls around myself to stop myself from remembering my failures. Built stories around how it isn't truly my fault because others pressed those triggers. I have seen myself in all my ugly, authentic, honesty.
You know what?
I am grateful.
I have been given the opportunity to witness my failures through the honest lens of how it has damaged and controlled me. How in that I have damaged everything and everyone around me because I wasn't accepting the truth.
What truth?
I'm imperfect. And that's perfectly fine.
It isn't that we fail that matters, it's what we do with it that does.
As dominants if we don't see our own mechanisms and then also see the opportunity to not allow their control any longer we are not dominating much.
Strength is born from character.
Character births integrity.
Integrity births stability.
Stability births confidence.
Confidence births peace.
True inner peace. Knowing who you are. Where you have been and what you have been through, even at our own hands, to arrive here to this moment. And that we are in control by understanding honestly who we are long before anyone else can define who we are by our actions.
Many will look and say, "You've failed me!" And will hold onto that pain. Years and years later they still hold onto it. As a dominant discovering that their pain is not your truth, even though it was wrought with your hands in the past, you don't need to own that. Not anymore. You're not the same person. You aren't there any longer.
When your past reaches up to grab you and say, "Remember when?" You can honestly answer, "Yes I know today why, and I am NOT that individual any longer. You no longer have control, I do." THAT is control. Dominance of one's self.
An s type can trust a dominant that has been through the fire and come through the other side. They aren't so much concerned with how charred you are, the scars you wear, so long as you understand where your freedom lies from the journey. Because they have their own fires waiting for them, and they need to know you understand how to encourage them as they walk through them.
My observation is this........
Any truly positive dominant worthy of submission within a d/s or m/s dynamic is one who isn't afraid to show you who they are. Faults and all. Past and all.
Because they know that if you're going to judge them or hold them to their past mistakes then you're not a forgiving soul. You're not someone they want or need in their life. Because let's face it, we ALL have things we would rather keep buried and never let others see. Hell, many times even we want to run from ourselves and those pieces we would rather not remember. If we cannot overcome by facing those pieces. If we cannot apply grace to ourselves. We will never be able to love another honestly. We don't know what love looks like until we face our own demons in the mirror and say, "I refuse to accept your control over me any longer!"
The journey of risking ourselves is frought with amazing challenges from our past. The victory is self-awareness and peace.
A dominant that has walked that path and turned their failures into their strengths knows how to receive submission honestly. They know the inner struggle to surrender to deep, dark honesty and turn it into contentment. They know how to lead an s type through the fire.
Because you can't burn someone who has been charred and knows their way through the fire because they have a map.
I pray this writing finds you resting in your peace and focus today.
Namaste
Drago and Amethyst
