8/23/2023
I found myself in the same frame of mind I often had......
Angry.
In the past I blamed those around me who disregarded me, as I saw it. But the truth was I was silent and didn't speak up. I did not want the rejection I received so often. So I held my tongue. Better to navigate my own dissatisfaction than to give a voice, once again, to my needs going unmet and just ending up in an argument for 6 hours where what I felt was ignored still. The focus would shift to how my need made them feel.
And I would go unmet.
Unheard.
Ignored.
Not important enough to have my needs respected.
And I want to be very clear.....that is MY fault. I kept silent. Or I did not stand up and say, "No More. If this is where you are I respect it, we are not a good fit."
It is my responsibility to enforce what I need. It's not on another to guess, or divine what, when, or even how I desire my needs to be met.
Yes, it is honest that it is others who, when they heard my needs, did not want to meet them. Which, to be fair, is their right. No one is obligated to meet our needs. We want others to.....sure. Especially in our relationships and dynamics. But others, for a myriad of reasons may not desire to, or may even be unable to.
And yes, that does not give others the right to gaslight us into believing we should be ashamed for what we need. Or try to guilt us into holding their wound of feeling like not enough because they may not be able to meet our need. It is human though. We are all not perfect.
So, I would sit in my anger. Repeating the cycle in my head of, "What should I do?" And, "Should I do anything?"
Then a partner would throw me a scrap......a small piece of my need being met. And my anger would subside.
"Maybe they are going to meet my needs after all!" I would try to convince myself. All the while seeing they just manipulated me so they could keep my attention focused on them. Doing just enough to quiet my anger, but not enough to actually care.
And this is where I found myself over the last couple of days.
Struggling to admit to myself that some of the patterns Amethyst showed 'felt' like the past. I had given voice repeatedly over the last several years to my need with Amethyst. It would be received, paid attention to for a very short time. Then dropped again.
Is this my fault?
Honestly, I do not look at it as a blame issue. I see it as a human one.
On my end I fell back into not enforcing it..... better to suffer in silence than to wage war openly.
And she simply is scared. Scared to give herself over even further to me. Her fear wracking her with immobilized choices.
As it will, the need never disappears. We are given the choice to navigate it or we choose to accept we cannot. That the moment is too big. Too scary. Too daunting and we recoil into hiding and run away from it, and ultimately our connection. Because it will not survive a falsehood. A lie. An intentional disregard. It will crumble. And we have built honesty into every corner.....even when it is challenging, we take a step bravely towards our fear.
I discovered my anger was NOT at her. It was at myself. For not being brave enough to stand up and say, "This matters and I will not back down from it."
Angry that I would rather hurt myself and live in a relationship where I suffered because it is what I have. Rather than trust my partner to actually hear me and care.
Yes, it has been very real that I thought, "This might be the thing that pushes her away. She might not be able to meet me and we will no longer be together." And I wrestled with that reality. Honestly on all fronts, this connection has been the best, most transformative, healthiest dynamic I have ever navigated. It would be a shame and tragedy if I were to lose it. No small part of me considered keeping my mouth shut to hold onto what we have.
At what cost though?
Sincerely, should she even follow me as her leader if I continued to ignore the truth?
If I cannot stand up and show her how to lean into these uncomfortable spaces by example it is a hard sell to ask her to do so.
It would not be fair of me to sit and endure the anger directed at myself. It would not be surprising either if down the road that anger turned to bitterness towards her. Justified or not (I do not believe it would be) I can imagine myself feeling such towards her. The thought of that breaks my heart!
So, I looked at my anger......the frustration of inaction and feelings of inadequacy. My apparent apathy at my needs versus the comfort of others. The people pleasing tendrils that have woven their way into so many parts of my life.
I will be honest and say at first I was scared. Scared to look at what was. Scared to admit that my partner was not hearing me. Scared to accept maybe she could or would not.
Then, my anger increased.
How could someone who says they care for me not care about my needs!!!!
It was then I realized how heavily misplaced my anger had become. I was projecting onto her what others had repeated. Moreover, I was projecting onto her my unwillingness to fervently stand up for myself. I saw it because at the same time I knew my heart loves her, beyond that, I can FEEL her heart loving me. That anger? It is not about her at all.
Oh, I have disappointment. Hurt maybe. Nothing, however, that would stop me from reaching out to trust her with how I felt. Letting the anger be where it was meant to be.....released. It was not hers. And I really deserved to cut myself some slack and extend grace so I could release that anger. I had determined, regardless of the outcome, I was going to discuss with Amethyst the necessity of my needs and my unwillingness to accept less than her acceptance and pursuit of fulfillment or her open refusal of my needs. Upon acceptance of this I was able to quit judging myself as not facing it.
Then it took me several days to sit with how to approach the conversation. Because I knew I still felt some-kinda-way about not being heard. It was important to me to be calm, level-headed, matter-of-fact in what is honest. But also patient, compassionate, and gracious.....to Amethyst AND myself. Finding that balance is not so easy when you feel hurt or angry. When stepping into the conversation could easily bring up some of those past emotions.
I focused on what was honest......I felt unheard. It was just that though......a feeling. That does not mean it was honest. Right or wrong. Just that I had felt that way. I took an objective lens of it and expressed it as a witness to a crime. Not as an attack or a forceful indictment of what she did. My feelings are mine, I am responsible for how I navigate them. And NO ONE can make me feel anything. So I chose to be honest about my hurt and anger, from a lens looking back or above the feeling.
Amethyst would not hear me if I placed on her my feelings. The feelings were not the point of the conversation anyway. The needs were. Focusing on the feelings would just distract from what was necessary......ensuring we both understood my emotional needs mattered and are not going to be ignored any further.
That's it.
Sounds simple doesn't it?
Of course it is not, because she felt some sort of way about what I had to express of course!! As she should!!! She is human after all!!
She felt like a failure.
Selfish. Which pressed on an old wound.
To her absolute credit while she expressed her feelings, she took a step back and said, "That's not what this is about. I will navigate those feelings in a different moment. It matters that we discuss where you are and what we can do moving forward. Once that is resolved we can hold space for how all of this raises feelings within me. Until then I will hold space for my own feelings and hear you."
That floored me to be honest. Any remnant of hurt or anger I had melted away. She truly cared. She was not trying to hijack the moment with how she felt. She honored herself and me simultaneously.
We had a very crunchy conversation. One filled with compassion for one another. Understanding. We listened as the other expressed their fears and hurt. We comforted and reassured one another with the honesty that neither of us wanted out of our connection. This was just a moment to grow and learn. Painfully maybe, but grow all the same.
We determined to move forward. We are still sitting with what that moving forward will look like between us. We know only that we are going to do so together. Even if it is uncomfortable and foreign.
While no one usually wants conflict for the sake of drama. Many of us are adverse to conflict and avoid it like the plague! Sometimes our fear of it is only a fear of facing pieces of ourselves. Unwilling to look at the friction of how we judge ourselves. Or place unbearable expectations upon ourselves. Sometimes, the conflict exists because we are meant to see the misalignment and the adversarial position we take within us points to the truth of our need for a realignment.
Sometimes, conflict is necessary.
We get to go to war with those pieces inside that attempt to make us small or less than with those around us.
We get to be gentle, kind, compassionate towards ourselves rather than combative when it comes to how we view ourselves and our fears. To look honestly and release judgement so we do not take our pain and lash out from it to those who never really deserved it in the first place.
We get to honor ourselves with the victory of a bravery taken to honor our voices.....even if the outcome is less than ideal. It matters that we do not gaslight ourselves, or marginalize those things that matter to us in honesty. It is important that we celebrate being aware of ourselves.
I hope today you find your peace.
Namaste
Drago and Amethyst
