Hello all!!!!
I thought I would stop by and share a little.
Amethyst and I were sitting and discussing resistance recently.
You know, the inability or unwillingness to lean into the uncomfortable spaces.
Think of these as soft limits. Yes, I may be willing under the right circumstances to navigate into the space and discover what is in it for me, but generally speaking I am not too keen on exploring here. The reasons, for the purpose of this writing, are not necessary except only that as humans we are not wired to step into the uncomfortable and be vulnerable. Surrendering that which we find challenging to even look at is honest for most of us.
My time around diverse submissives, and humans in general (my own journey included) has shown me that fear is real for us. We scratch and claw to maintain some semblance of 'safety'. Even if it is the illusion of safety.
We all know fear does not serve us.
We know it does not bring to us the things we say with our lips we desire or need.
Try as we might at times we will resist letting go of that fear we desperately wish to be free from.
This creates restriction. Friction in our connections. As a dominant seeking to push a submissive through their fear and into peace it can be incredibly challenging. We cannot MAKE you let go. We cannot structure you to death until you do. We cannot punish you until you do. Fear is real. Our hearts don't open simply because someone threatens to punish us if we don't. In fact, often that deepens the fear and our reaction to it.
I have learned this truth:
As dominants we get to set the example and let go.
Let go of the idea that unless it looks like ....... the submissive(s) in our care does not truly care or is not really submissive.
Let go of the idea that they must not be taking this seriously.
Let go of the idea that their 'being bratty' is obstinance.
Accept that fear must be navigated with love.
Grace.
Compassion.
Gentleness.
Amethyst has struggled with the idea that her resistance must mean she is a worthless submissive and a poor human being.
I want to express to all of you (dominants included) what I have personally had to discover for myself and imparted to Amethyst.
Resistance builds muscles. No one goes to the gym and doesn't also lift some sort of weights or resistance to tone or build muscle.
While we may wish the universe to come and just 'take away' our fear and bring us peace. The lessons we learn and the awareness we discover of ourselves through the process of our resistance would be lost.
Which one of us can decide, because we want it, to not wrestle with fear? We cannot control what may trigger us, or cause us hesitation from a past harm.
If we cannot control it.....why shame ourselves for not being able to navigate it without resistance?
Example:
I have not liked submissives who would resist my guidance. In fact I absolutely have seen it as refusal to follow, and negligence to care or take seriously the structure which we negotiated.
I felt as if I was being used. Manipulated. Gaslit. If I sought to enforce structure and they said they were unable to comply. And, it is fair that those who lashed out or were passive aggressive in their behavior in that space were being unhealthy.
But, if they were just honest and communicating thusly why did I feel attacked?
Because I did not have control over whether they were going to let go. When, or how that was going to look.
It made me feel unsafe.
Why?
Because I was trying to manage the FEAR of conflict or chaos that I would then have to navigate.
Was it honestly conflict or chaos?
No.
It was my fear that it would be that.
Amethyst has shown me by her example......she DESIRES to surrender. But may not know how to do so just yet around a given thing she struggles with.
Does that have anything to do with me?
Not at all.
EXCEPT that I can support her. Allow her the process she needs. Remind her that resistance IS part of the process. She is allowed to take up space. She is allowed to get it wrong in her eyes. She is allowed to be a mess in her eyes. She is allowed to be afraid and STILL ask for me to love her.
Not one of us deserves to be loved less (most of all by ourselves) because we wrestle with fear.
Oh, it is honest that it is ok we ask of our partners to truly wrestle with that fear. To encourage our bravery. Or to call us out when they see us giving up, running, or hiding from that fear and allowing it to control or detonate us.
We all have been burned before by opening our hearts.
Expecting anyone to just magically open themselves fully with no resistance is unreasonable and honestly quite impossible.
If anyone thinks otherwise, I would encourage you to sit with the areas that you hide and are frightened to open up. Because those areas certainly exist. You may believe you are adept at hiding them or no one will recognize them.....I guarantee the universe will expose you and those fears......for your own growth..... ESPECIALLY in a dynamic connection.
So?
Resist!
Care for your heart enough to protect it from just giving it to anyone who asks! And do not be ashamed of doing so.
To those who have earned your respect, admiration, devotion, love and heart......
Show them you desire to let go and open up.....even if it is a struggle for you to do so. Ask them to partner with you and seek their comfort when you are scared and feel like retreating. It does not make you less than to be afraid.
No dominant worth their salt is afraid of your resistance. They expect to earn your heart. They advocate fiercely for your safety and well-being. So do not gaslight yourself into thinking submission means you drop every piece of you openly without fear at their feet from day one. And do not allow anyone else to convince you that is honest!
Do your best. For sure! And allow your dominant to hold your hand and show you they can hold your heart safe so you can let go.
No submissive worth their salt expects you to open your heart fully on day one. They will understand you wrestle with what you can and truly cannot control. They may struggle to follow you when you 'let go' of what you fear. My suspicion though is if they are healthy for you they will be empathetic because they know what it is like to struggle with the same.
Remember, this is a DYNAMIC. Fluid. Living. Changing. Moving. Shifting. Thing.
No one is perfect and has all the solutions. Not even the almighty, all-knowing, all-powerful dominant.
We all have the same affliction of being human.
And that is magical and beautiful!!!
I hope you find focus,
comfort, and peace in your journey today.
Namaste
Drago and Amethyst
11/5/2023
