Unapologetically Me!

I thought I found the one. He was everything I had hoped.

Yet, after months of getting to know him and developing feelings I find out that he only said the right things and what he thought I wanted to hear. He was not truthful and made me actually feel worse than before I met him. He is a manipulator, cheater, liar, is insecure, lacks communication skills, disregarded my feelings, and blamed me for everything. He made me doubt myself and my gut instincts. 

It makes me lose hope in people and not trust people more than I already don’t. :-(

I love the holidays because it is the most wonderful time spent with family and friends. Sadly, the part that I find the hardest over the past couple of years is that they are spent “alone.” Everyone, except for the younger kids and teens has someone. 

I’m trying so hard not to give up and hold out for my perfect Dom but it’s getting harder and harder as time goes on. I hope everyone enjoys their special someone and holds on tight! 

Good morning! 

I’ve been thinking a lot more, lately, about what it is that I WANT. I have a great job and a great family. I have my own place and my own car. I have some pretty cool friends. I have an awesome life that I am living, yet something is missing. I feel lonely in the midst of not being lonely at all, it’s like no one understands or can hear my heart, mind and soul.

There’s always a nagging feeling in the pit of my stomach and in my heart. I want so much more than what I have. I am happy with my life but I see subs on here whom are so happy with their Dom’s and I crave that. I don’t ask for much, at least I don’t think I do. I ask that you be genuine, respectful, kind, caring, a family man, and love me for me. I can be a bit bratty and guarded but that comes with having been DEEPLY hurt throughout my years and in the past. The people I was supposed to be able to trust, when I was younger, were the people who hurt me the most. 

Just felt the need to get that out there this morning. Woke up not feeling so well, wishing I had someone to cuddle me and make me feel better. Have an AMAZING day!!!

GOOD MORNING ALL!

I decided that I wanted to branch out and try other online community sites (FetLife, Fetster, etc.). To no avail, I am again disappointed and my mind is boggled. The way individuals portray themselves as well as act is sometimes out of this world. I was on FetLife, this morning, and just cannot understand some of these people who contact me with their silliness and outrageousness.

I also get attacked when I don’t want to speak with them because of something they said to me/about me or something on their profile, that I may not agree with. I try to be polite and kind during all interactions. I am not a mean person. I should not be disrespected or told that I am fake, playing games, and/or treating this lifestyle like I’m on Facebook. I believe in this lifestyle 100%. No (insert name) you are not what I am looking for and should just accept that for what it is. You contacted me, remember, not the other way around.

**rant over**

I have been “vetting” a Dom and speaking to him about his views, thoughts, experiences, etc for a couple days now. I am not shy when it comes to wanting to know about a person and understanding why they say or do what they say or do. I want to know the WHOLE person.

So the topic of my past came up, brought up by me. I have a sordid past and even though I have worked through much of it I still get triggered. So when I brought up being abused he shut the conversation down fairly quickly. Saying he had to go grocery shopping and would talk later. I did not think anything of it at that moment but something began nagging me as the day went on.

He messaged me hours later and I refrained from bringing it up just to see if he might say something. He did not but beat around the bush and brought up a fantasy of his. He started off by saying he wants his babygirl to be pure and innocent, to be a virgin and never have been touched or abused (especially sexually). So his words were, “I know you said you have a past but I don’t want to know anything about it and would like for you not to say anything.” When I asked him to explain he did not and so I said that wouldn’t work for me. We parted ways.

How can anyone be in a relationship with someone, especially a D/s relationship without knowing the whole person? What if during a scene he/she is triggered? What then? Does anyone else think this way? If so, please explain. ***No judgment zone!!***