Unapologetically Me!

I read an amazing D/s story yesterday and had the most wonderful dreams!!! Woke up feeling GREAT! 😊🤗

I found that this was hard for many men that I “dated.” I am not proud to admit this but I have been the other woman/the secret. A couple times, I didn’t know that I was the side piece and when I found out I ended it. The other times I found out and didn’t end it. It doesn’t feel good to help someone cheat and be an option or second choice.

It also doesn’t feel good when you tell someone about your past or circumstances that you have been in and they end up walking away. (I trusted you with that information and all of me, then you burn me.) I don’t trust easily! Yes I may take a lot of work, because I have been through my own personal hell and back, but in the end I am worth it. 

I want to be someone’s first choice, someone worth taking risks for and be loved for ME! 

When I saw this, something about it made me instantly think of the beauty of a Dom/sub relationship.

There are days when I just want to hide under a rock and not do anything. Not go to work, not go to the gym, not talk to anyone, etc. I get sad and want to cry. I hide inside myself. 

I was on Facebook yesterday and saw a post about someone I went to high school with passing away suddenly. It’s scary to think about and forces me to realize that not doing anything is not healthy for me. It’s not healthy physically, mentally and emotionally. I am both social and antisocial, lol. I don’t have a problem with being alone until I do! 

Today is the day that I start anew and stop making excuses or justifications for my lack of physical growth or change. I can do better and be better! 

I don’t normally like to make new year resolutions because I believe that working on yourself should be an every day thing. This year, I decided to change it up. I am trying to be more transparent with everyone. No longer holding things that need to be said in. No longer avoiding telling the whole truth for fear of hurting someone’s feelings or them being angry with me. I am not a mean person nor do I purposely try to hurt people. I am picking myself (feelings and needs) first, over everyone else. 

NEW YEAR, BETTER ME!

When I was young my mom always made sure to tell my sister and I that graduating high school was the most important thing. She had me when she was 16 and I was told how much of a regret that was. (now don’t feel bad about that statement because I don’t, anymore) 

My mother worked retail job after retail job, always unhappy and missing something. She had my step-dad to take care of her. So my exposure to a sort of “D/s” relationship was early on. I did not realize this, at the time, but in thinking last night it came to me. My step-dad did everything for my mom, he loved her to the deepest depths of his heart, took care of her needs, and showed his appreciation of her daily. It was something I wanted for myself when I grew up. 

My step-dad was more a dad to me than my biological dad. He met my mom when I was 1.5 years-old. He took me in, loved and cared for me as though I was his own blood. I will never forget the moments we shared. I loved him unconditionally.

Then one day my mom, being my mom, started to show her jealous side. She hated that I had a great relationship with my step-dad and would always sabotage it by picking and doing little things. My step-dad, luckily, didn’t fall for it. He is a great dad and man! However, my mom tends to sabotage a lot of things. Her jealousy began to get the better of her after I graduated high school and went on to college. She became mean and envious of me. I was “better” than her. I didn’t want to go down the same path as she did, I wanted to go down my own path. She didn’t like that, even though she pushed for it so hard. I had to move out right after my 19th birthday because she had my, only, little brother and I would be stuck taking care of him as I did my 4 younger sisters before him. 

When I moved out my mom cut off all ties and said I was no longer part of the family, that I had betrayed her, and that I would feel what it’s like not to have anyone there for me. She was wrong because I had met a college professor that same year who was amazing, she helped me through so much after leaving my home. She helped me get to where I am today by believing in me and guiding me, as a mother should. She is the woman I now call my mom.

I was headstrong on making sure that I got my education and graduated with a degree. I now have my Masters and I am in school to get a second. I love what I do for work. I have things that I call my own. I am mostly happy with the path I chose to follow.

The reason for this blog is because I sometimes feel as though I made the wrong choice. I am 32 and I don’t have anyone in my life I would like to spend the rest of it with. I don’t have children and I do want them. So I question if it was the right thing to do or if I should’ve been open to more serious relationships, marriage and kids then I was while going down my  chosen path.

I don’t like the phrase New Year, New Me. It feels very cliche. I think my mindset will be the same me but better! There are so many things that I would like to do and work on but it all becomes overwhelming to think about. 

First things first, I will be purging (as another sub mentioned) as much of the negativity in my life as I can. Mostly negative thoughts and people. For me, it is important and good to cut the people off that are not adding to what I am trying to build for myself. It is not possible to purge ALL negativity though. So I will do the best I can and in steps.

I need to decrease my stress and not worry so much about other less important things. I would like to also get back in to working out and eating more clean. Stress makes me gain weight like water. 

I hope you all have a great New Years Eve and stay safe!