A Secret to tell

It's hard to be vulnerable,  when your scared to even open up. The times you do open up you are turned away and rejected. That sting eventually turns to a burn, until you are encased in a burning inferno. A fire that burns so hot it burns any and all who would come near. It drives away the pain of past hurts, and keeps the possible hurts at bay. 

Why try, why cry, it's safer in the infernos arms. It's safer where others can do no harm. Here is where you'll stay , because here is where your safe.

Let's be honest the only thing I have ever wanted is one wish. Give me this and I'll be happy

So I choose the one wish for the world option

I wish Healthcare, housing, and food were free for everyone,  while everything else required buying it. All I want. Why? Because that shit should be free regardless of who you are and where you live. The people that provide it should be the highest paid individuals on this planet, them and our protectors and teachers. Those three are the three basic needs that need to be met in order to at least live. Yet our world is so fucking selfish and greedy people have to beg everyday for it. 

      Yesterday, my journey finally began. I awakened in a way that most never get to experience. When you go through trauma, you sometimes forget the fight that lives deep inside you. The part of you that keeps you strong, the part that burns harder and brighter in ways you never thought it could. When you forget about that part of yourself, you spend years, sometimes lifetimes letting people take advantage of the kindness that lives inside you, you let them trample it, and break you down into nothing. 

    This has been me for the last 26 years of my life. 26 years of forgetting that there is a side of me that was born to stand in flames and face down everything in my path. Yesterday that person was brought to the front in a way that I now stand taller than anyone around me. I will continue to stand taller than anyone who ever steps to me again. While my heart will always be gold, that core will be pure hellfire. I will never ever let another human being, alien, monster, creature of the night, or bad depressing thought break me down to nothing ever again.

  My story began the day I started my job of the past six months. For months I let someone else shape and mold me into their own personal toy of delight. Begging, scrapping, and humbling myself to meet everything they demanded of me. To the point of my health slowly beginning to decline. I was never shown an ounce of appreciation, and only promoted in my position when it suited them the most. Every time they fell, I was beat down with words told it was all my fault. I was thrown under the bus in their place. I wear my heart on my sleeve so often. I let so many see the true me, even when it means I will get hurt. My best friend on here knows only a small part of the things I have gone through with this boss. Even with that little bit of info she kept telling me to leave, go somewhere else. I didn't. Who in their right mind would take me? This was hammered into my head everyday, that I was lucky to have this job, that what I was being asked to do was a small task compared to what I could be asked to do.

     I learned this motto in my head until it was on repeat. I gave my all every day, and the few times I couldn't because of my health, I was berated and made to feel guilty until I would come in and make up those hours, telling me I needed the money and it was the only way. How much would I take? How much could I take? When would I reach my breaking point?

     I reached it when they opened their mouth and brought my kids into the situation. I lost it the moment they told me a good friend, someone who reminded me of my youngest, would be fired if I couldn't step up and do more when I was told that my efforts were not reasonable enough, that our area manager yelling at them fell on my shoulders.  "I wasn't sufficient" rang over and over in my head at that moment. I walked away to finish cleaning the bathrooms, not enough, never enough, a failure, a sad excuse. My heart began to burn, deep inside my beast was screaming and howling in rage and denial. That inner child that picked me up over and over, made me get up and keep fighting so many times when I thought I couldn't, that inner child that shielded me from the physical, mental, and other abuse. That inner child broke lose and consumed me in their flame until I realized how powerful I could be. When I left work, I raged on the phone to my mom and best friend, and the more I raged in anger, the more powerful I became, until me and that flame became one bright, burning beacon of ultimate hope. 

  What was left?

     A woman who wouldn't lay down anymore, A woman who finally saw her worth and the beauty of the fighting spirit inside her. She was a woman who could see her path of destiny laid down at her feet, and the word "You Can't" was NEVER going to be an answer she accepted ever again. I went home and immediately called a company and secured a job that day. I did my background and drug test right then. I received my job offer papers and then screamed in victory, my arm up out the truck window,  laughing at the sheer joy and freedom racing deep within my soul in those moments. Then, I waited patiently for the exact moment I needed.

     See, while I might have been a weak follower in those moments, I paid attention to the little details. Like how my boss never did any of the work herself, but delegated it to others. I noticed things like when others would answer a call or text and when they would ignore it. I noticed things like what would inspire others and what would not. I noticed what days my boss always demanded off, and when and how they fixed these situations. Weekends were a must-have days off for them, calling in others to cover call outs was their specialty, but there was a time frame when no one else would answer the phone, when no one would come to save the day, that time was between midnight and 7 am. I am the only other person to know all the paperwork, how to do it, and make sure it got done on the days they demanded off. So at midnight with fight song blasting loud, I drove to the store and dropped off my shirts. Took a permanent marker and wrote on my schedule slots "FUCK YOU AND THE HORSE YOU RODE IN ON", while my now ex-co-worker stood behind me laughing and telling me I was one of the bravest people they knew. I smiled, put the schedule back casually, looked at them, and left them with a single phrase, "That brave side of me also lives inside of you. don't ever stop fighting for what you want, because if I can do it, so can you" and then I left and walked out the door with the biggest smile pasted on my face. I will never be broken again because my soul's phoenix and I finally became one, and now "I AM UNSTOPPABLE!"

Is there such a thing as a soul song cause I think I just found mine. On repeat , and feeling like my soul just got made love to.

Well this one seemed pretty interesting and it's only three things so why not.

1. I'm a plus size girl, but I'm working on getting back down to my original size.

2. I'm really awkward when talking to a guy romantically. I can talk to a man all day and have great conversation until it gets personal. Then I tend to sound like an idiot.

3. The females in my family come from a long line of druids, who got in a fight with another coven that essentially cursed the women in my family to never know true contentment. Or so that's the story we are handed down generation to generation I also seem to have the issue of whoever I fall in love with if we ever break up they find their true love but only if I break up with them. It's kinda fudged up if you ask me, eh but such is my life.

Last night was a hard wake up call for me. I found a cigarette pall mall red 100s to be exact on my porch railing. What most don't know is the fact that I am in hiding from my abusive ex husband. He smokes that exact brand of cigarettes. Now clearly I thought I had gotten over my fear of him and his mind games, but last night I found myself cowering on the ground in my hallway tears streaming down my face and my service dog doing everything she could to calm and reassure me. 

When I realized I had no one I could turn to , to call and come search and check around my house it made the situation even worse. For an hour I hid and cried and shook with absolute fear and terror. Every noise making me jump, to terrified to even try to get to my truck. I never ever thought I would have to face these fears again. I thought I was safe. I called my mom sobbing she was over Two hours away with my dad at her job. Neither able to get to me. 

They called my landlord and he walked around the house and made sure no one was lurking or hiding in the shadows and even came inside to check all my rooms. He eventually called someone and found out the cigarette had been left by them by accident. I was of course relieved to hear that. I could breathe easier and my landlord went back home and went to bed.

However, the fear was still there. The what if. After checking all my doors and windows I proceeded to barricade myself, Arcadia, and killua in my bedroom with a small kitchen knife held tight under my pillow. For the rest of the night I jerked awake at even the slightest sound. 

Now, there is something to be said about a woman left to her own defense. I noticed that the more I jerked awake heart pounding the madder I fucking got. Until by morning time I was enraged at the fact that I was still so terrified. I shouldn't have to feel afraid in my own home, I shouldn't have to fear someone who I ran away from and hid from. So what did I do?

Well this bad little girl went and bought a ranger knife, a taser, and pepper spray. As well as a gym membership and another round of self defense classes. One because I want a chance at survival if the bastard ever does find me. Two I'm sick and tired of still being afraid, and three I need to be in shape if I wanna have a chance at escape. 

Seems like I have my work cut out for me. But at least I won't be lying dead somewhere , because I couldn't save myself. Fuck relying on others while I cower in fear. I'm gonna be my own savior and white knight. 

To anyone else out there going through something similar, don't wait until it's too late, make your moves now, and fight for yourself. You can be just as hard-core as anybody out there.

 Alas, I forget how conniving and superficial the world can be. A man either needs a woman to be bbw or skinny minny. Well gentleman let me give you a very big eye opener, as I cannot stand a man who makes a woman feel bad about herself because she gained weight and is trying to lose it still. Welcome to the real me at 200lbs. (photos on profile for one day only). See people have this superficial thought process that once a woman either gains or loses weight she cannot still be beautiful. Open your eyes. Women are gorgeous no matter what they weigh. If you cannot accept a woman as she is then you have absolutely no business talking to one. As women get older they will gain or lose weight, get wrinkles, have grey hair beginning to show. If you cant love her now, what makes you think you could even begin to love her then. Ugh, this is why I absolutely abhore the dating world and its biases. Yes, I get it attraction needs to be there, but make it a priority to ask first, before you get a womans hopes up. If weight bothers you ASK FIRST before you even start talking. Women are gentle , beautiful, fierce magnificent creatures that break when dropped. You better believe, however, that she is more than capable of picking herself back up and moving on with her life. So done.

Damien

     He had been watching her for days now. Perhaps he was a bit obsessed, perhaps not. All he knew was he wanted her and what he wanted he usually got. Damien smirked as he sipped the brandy from the snifter in his hand. he casually swirled it, admiring the light as it reflected off Amara's sun-kissed skin. She was a beauty, but she didn't flaunt it; it was almost as if she didn't recognize the power of her looks. His gaze burrowed into her, willing her to look at him. Then she did, but just as quickly dismissed him. It was like she was interested in someone else. His hand gripped the glass tighter. In fact, it was exactly like that. She had been looking around for someone since she had arrived, but who. Then it clicked. D'Mario. Damien sneered. That weak inept man was not worth her. Of course, he had noticed that she and D’Mario hung out a lot but he had thought it to be just a friendship. Apparently, Amara had other ideas. He rose slowly, straightening his suit as he went. He could, of course, call D'mario here, but then his beauty's attention would be snared by the wrong person. No, he wanted her attention all to himself. 

     Heading for the kitchens, he walked by different cooks and servers, ignoring the looks, and headed straight for the man giving orders. D'Mario looked up, startled by his sudden appearance, and nodded his head to him, lowering his eyes before raising them once more, " Is there something I could help you with, Sir? I wasn't expecting you to come back here so suddenly, was the food not to your taste, perhaps I could offer you something else from our menu?" Damien could tell that the man was nervous from the way he shifted on his feet, which positively made him gleam with satisfaction. This would be easier than he thought.

"Actually, you can. I want Amara, and you are in my way. She seems to have this foolish notion that you and she could be an item, but .." he paused, his next words coming out in a warning growl, " that is never going to happen."

"ye..yes, yes sir, it will not, she's just a friend, but I ...." D'Mario cleared his throat "I will not allow you to hurt her, she is a good friend, and I feel protective of her. In a big brother kind of way, so don't get any ideas about..." D'Marios eyes widened, and he fell silent as Damien's demeanor turned aggressive and he stepped in close to D'Mario, forcing him to back up.

" Actually, I'm calling in my favor. I have plans for Miss Amara, plans with which you will not interfere." Damien reached out, straightening D'Mario's outfit and dusting his shoulder off lightly.

 " I would hate to hear that you suddenly disappeared without a trace.”  D'mario swallowed, looking up at the man before him, debating his odds, but in the end, he simply nodded.

 Suddenly one of his cooks approached him, asking about something, taking his attention away from the man in front of him. When he turned back, Damien was gone.

     Damien turned the corner of the alcove exiting the kitchens and nodded to his right-hand man as he headed back towards the dining area, only to stop and smile broadly. His beauty was right in front of him, heading for the restrooms. He immediately moved to block her way, grinning down at her. Her eyes slowly raised to his, their color and shine leaving him stunned for a moment.

“ If you will excuse me, sir, I need to make use of the ladies' room.” she tried to push his arm out of the way only to find him unmovable. Huffing in irritation, she glared up at him in the most adorable way.

“ Can I help you with something?”

“Yes, as a matter of fact, you can. My name is Damien, and I will be having the pleasure of your company this evening, pet.” his voice was deep but soft, his dominance coming to the fore. He grinned as she snorted and laughed in disbelief.  

“ You have some nerve ..Damien, was it? However, I am previously engaged with my friend and have plans later this evening, so, I won’t be “joining” you for anything.” Once again, she tried to move past him, only to once again find her way still blocked by his arm. Ever his feisty beauty. He did love a challenge, and she was that and more.

“Ah, but you see pet, that is where you are mistaken..” he nodded to Markus, who proceeded to use chloroform to subdue her. Moving quietly but quickly, he swept her up in his arms as she collapsed. He took a moment to take in her resting features, only to return to his senses as he heard someone approaching. Looking to his right-hand, he turned and headed out the back way while Markus headed out front to get the car. His eyes met D’Marios as he passed by him, daring him to open his mouth. Only silence came from him. Good man, otherwise, he would end up dead. No one challenged him on his decisions.

     He had made it his life work to make sure that everyone around him knew that he was in charge. His life had been nothing but fights and making money. It was just part of who he was. He grinned down at the sleeping beauty in his arms as he emerged out into the back alley and waited for Markus. It didn’t take long before the sleek black lincoln pulled up with dark-tinted windows. Markus hurried out and opened the back door so he could slide in with Amara.

     He wondered how she would react to waking up in Russia. Probably ready to fight. His mind wandered back to the first day he had seen her. She had been walking a client out of her office. Not a care in the world to what was around her; her only focus was on the client and their satisfaction with the company. Her laughter is what had drawn him to look at her. She had been wearing a simple skirt with heels and a white top, all of it designed to look classy but form-fitting. Her hair had been twisted up in an elegant design, and her smile had taken his breath away. He knew right then that she was meant to be his, whether she agreed or not. Shaking his head, he smoothed a stray strand of hair back from her face. “ Such great things await you at my hands pet, you will see.”

Markus chose that moment to speak up “ Sir, should we not wait til she wakes up before we begin our flight home?” his eyes turned dark as silence filled the vehicle. Markus looked away first, “ Of course it is your decision Sir, whatever you wish.”

“It matters not if she is awake or not. She is coming home with us…..ona moya v lyubom sluchaye”

“Yes Sir, of course. I meant nothing by my remark. “ silence fell after that, until they arrived at the airfield. Looking up to Markus, he replied in a stern tone, “ Make arrangements; I want all of her things brought over by the end of the week. Make sure arrangements are made with her job and finances. I’ll deal with the rest. “

“Of course Sir, will there be anything else before your departure?”

“No, just get it done quickly.” picking Amara up in his arms once more, he left the vehicle and boarded the private jet. No one questioned why an unconscious woman was in his arms. They simply attended to their duties as they were paid to do. He might be a hard ass, but he was a generous hard ass, which meant people turned the other way when he did questionable things. Although this might perhaps be the most irrational and questionable thing, he had done in front of them.  

“ Kana, get the shot, my passenger is afraid of flights, and I would rather her not wake up along the way there.”

“Very well, I will return momentarily.”

Amara turned her head, beginning to stir in his arms. He tensed, preparing for a fight. Luckily Kana was quick to return and administer the shot. With Amara now out, he settled her on one of the seats next to him, letting it back all the way before reaching down to smooth her hair away from her face once more. Unable to resist, he leaned down and kissed her forehead before standing and moving up front to speak with the captain to begin the long flight back home…..

Hello Dearest readers,

I am currently working on An Affair of the Heart (part two) and will have it finished by the end of the day today. Unfortunately, I do have a prior engagement and have to hasten away for now, but patience is a virtue. Promise it will be worth the wait. 

SomonesSoulmate

     I grew up struggling to read in school. I had a tutor that worked with me day in and day out at school until finally one day everything came together. After that day I read every book I could get my hands on. When I finished the kiddie books in our library at school I moved on to chapter books. 

    Reading became a joy and obsession. Yes, I was that child who hid under the covers with a flashlight just to finish a chapter I had been reading before bedtime.

     Later on down the road when I turned thirteen mother nature made herself known. It was a few months after that , that my mom placed my very first romance novel in my hand. I of course thought it was just another book of adventure. Well it certainly was not. I flew back down the steps red faced and quite embarrassed. My mom laughed and told me the book was my birds and bees talk. 

    Now handing a child a romance novel is one way of having a birds and bees talk it certainly explained the process to me. However, I caution anyone else against doing the same for their kiddos, because that was the start of my obsession with finding true love. I wanted the impossible fairytales I was reading about. No one told me about the pain and heartache that would also come my way. I was so innocent and believed everything men told me, until one day I wasn't. My eyes got opened and perhaps for the first time, I saw the world as it was. 

    Somehow through it all I still stayed kind, but more aware. Yet, despite the heartache and the pain I went through my stubborn heart just keeps demanding the one thing I realized I would never have. I still torture myself reading romance novels obsessively day to day. Yet now I have a quiet understanding of contentment. Had you told me when I was younger I would most likely never find my soulmate I would have cried and screamed and told you that was a lie. Now I simply smile and say that's OK, I'm happy with what I have been blessed with.

   Don't get me wrong there is still that undying hope that someday he will magically walk in my life, and sometimes while I'm at work I fantasize about him walking in the door seeing me and sweeping me off my feet carrying me away to live happily every after, but deep down I know it's one in a million that actually find true love. 

     How did I get to my state of content? Life lessons, and experience. I have only recently gotten like this in the past two years. Before I was a hot mess, lord was I. Meditation, self reflection, taking in those around me and really seeing the world and all its beauty and pain made me realize that a person can be happy with just themselves. They just have to embrace what they are given and find contentment in the small things.

     I'm not perfect by any means, there are still days I open a romance novel and close it right back because a reality without true love can be hard to think about sometimes, but I'm quick to get over it and go right back to it. Life is full of surprises and chance. You never know someday my prince might come, regardless of the time I get with him, I will be content and happy just knowing I got him, and if not.....well in my next life I will just have to try again won't I?

Thanks for stopping by and reading my blog, and good luck to all of you in your own quests for love.

SomonesSoulmate