The more I learn about myself, the more it scares me a little as I try to process the information I am learning. I hate my body, hate it with a passion that borders on obsession, In my mind I see the seductress I am. Understand that by losing weight and getting in shape, I would release a woman of pure seductive impulses. In the way I walk, the way I move, the choice and taste I have in clothing, from classy, all the way down to naughty. I would be fucking unstoppable in my need to find the very thing I crave. Holy fuck is all I can think as I learn more and more about myself. Yet, some part of me is determined to reach that goal, the need to turn into the fiery darkness that consumes me. The need to release my wants and desires without inhibition.
Lets start simple. Primal. A dark word that plays on repeat in my head. Control, Dominance, things, words I crave with a bright fervor that seem ridiculous. I once read somewhere about a invitation only primal hunt that was being held at an estate. The participates were to sign a consent form and NDA, allowing what was going to happen that night. The description being simple, come join the hunt, be prey for the primal males looking to take what you may or may not be willing to give. A tease for anyone who read the undisclosed hint of cnc beneath those words. I wanted to go to that event so badly I could taste it, but alas I did not. The group was extremely closed, you had to know a member who knew one of the main members, yet reading that awakened a side of me that I had previously sought to deny. Until now. Understanding me means laying claim to my true nature. Even if I don't want to. Weak men begin to sicken me, at war with the side of me that needs that gentle loving touch of approval, that tenderness of after care, that says I love you in ways nothing else can. Oh yes, my mind is dark indeed, yet somehow I feel no shame in these thoughts. Perhaps that side of me has always been there. My taste in music has slowly changed, and yet remains unchanged, my music electing towards things that speak to my soul, my choices in food leaning more towards healthy choices, the taste of chemicals, and processed food waning. Meditation and understanding of the world and things around me, have a way of changing ones own craving I guess.
Oh yes, I am a creature of sensual things. I see the world around me in technicolor. I look at the heaven at night with wonder as I stare at the stars, and behold the beauty of them wishing I could escape into the unknown. Another part of me walks to the mailbox every night between midnight and three am daring, hoping, holding my breath. Yes, exactly what you are thinking as you read this. It seems I have a dangerous side as well. Tsk tsk, such a bad girl. Yet, there's also a submissive side that begs for capture, to be tamed. One that rebels at the thought of anything less. Is it wrong to think about or want these things. Perhaps in the minds of a weaker individuals mind it is, but not in my mind. I'm tired of conforming to the ideals of those around me. Done with conforming to them, as I break free of the secrets holding me in chains. Why pretend to be something I am not. Years of being people pleasing, and doing everything they want while letting them tread and walk all over me without mercy. Well here's my fuck you to the world, as I take myself back. I was asked recently if I have a little side, the truth is, yes I do , but not in a way people think. I like pacifiers for adults, because it teaches me different way to play with my mouth, I like coloring while laying on my stomach in shorts and a tank top kicking my feet back and forth, because its soothing and relaxing to help me clear my mind, I love disney movies, cartoons, and shows that inspire hope and other feelings, because it tells me I am still capable of believing in things like true love, and infinite possibilities. Yes, I absolutely love stuffed animals, perhaps because it was my only safety in the world of foster care. I am not ashamed to admit that . It's part of my history, part of what made me who I am, there is no shame in lessons learned. Stuffies are a valuable safety in my mind, one I refuse to give up just because it makes another uncomfortable.
The more I learn about myself the more I smile, and release the hold on the things that have held me back for years. The more I learn the more I want to discover. Likes , dislikes, conversations I want to have with a partner who would understand and engage me prying for answers that would help them understand me better, almost like an obsession, while I sought to understand all of them, weaknesses and strengths, things that would teach me exactly what they needed. My devotion and loyalty are unwavering, and unquestionable. I have learned that through careful study.
Freedom means never lowering myself to the will of someone who isn't worthy of me, and believe me my standards for myself and anyone who seeks my attention have risen sharply and high. If that means I never allow another man who isn't worthy of my time to touch me , then so be it. I feel no regret in my choices or my future decision. Only a new hope and happiness that leaves me breathless in my taking of it. Fuck if my soul isn't singing to me right now, and I don't ever plan to look back . Best wishes to all my fellow cage members. Cause damn I can finally smile, and its the best feeling ever.
My current song obsession below: