Dirty Pretty Things

I made a promise to myself, and I broke it. I vowed that I would never feel unsafe again. That no one would ever hurt me again. Looking back, I realize it was a naive promise. I have a top of the line home security system with cameras, motion sensors, and glass sensors. I have multiple panic buttons and a live monitoring station. When I go out to places, I automatically check where the entrances and exits are. I don't like my back turned to the people walking by. But sometimes things are just out of our control, and there's nothing we can do to stop it.

I work as a corporate store manager for a telecommunications store. It shouldn't be a high-risk job, but I could shock you with stories. Since I'm the manager, it is ultimately my responsibility to keep my employees safe. I have various courses in how to deal with high-risk or violent situations as well as on de-escalation techniques. But sometimes that doesn't matter. And I hate to say it, but facts are a lot of aggressive incidents I deal with are due to being a female and my age. 

In early 2022, a customer assaulted me at work. He returned to my store after being refused service for no photo ID. Because I had verified that he could not access his phone account, in his eyes, I was to blame. He vaulted over the counter onto me and knocked me down to the ground. He then started punching me in the face and head. When my staff started screaming and a crowd was forming, he quickly fled the scene. He was tracked down, arrested, and received a restraining order. 

I suffered a concussion and started having migraines that I still have issues with now. I had extreme anxiety to go out in public places, especially malls or crowds. I attended 6 months of a Brain Injury Rehabilitation program because I was having multi-tasking problems, fumbling for words and short-term memory loss. I recovered fully, and my cognitive functions are back to normal. I attended physiotherapy for months because of neck difficulties and vertigo. The assault aggravated my PTSD and my nightmares grew worse for months because my sense of safety had been shattered. I felt like being safe was an illusion, and I still do.   

I had to testify in court for the crown prosecutor. My attacker sat and stared at me the whole time. I dug my nails so hard into the palms of my hands until the pain centred me. During cross examination by his lawyer, they referred to it as an "accident." Then the judge asked me some questions and referred to it as an "accident." You see, the defense was that the defendant was Two-Spirited. This is part of the LGBTQ2 spectrum. He is Indigenous and felt he has a female spirit. Why does this matter for the criminal charges? Because his lawyer claimed he was in a stressful state and it was just an accident.

Now I hate the word accident. It makes me want to scream. I hate that my company shuffled it under a rug and tried to hide it for everyone or just ignore it. And most of all, I hate that he was found "Not Guilty" and received no punishment for his crime.

I choose who I'm submissive to. I choose who gets that vulnerable, feminine, sweet, passionate, and so eager to please side of me. I choose who gets to see inside my heart, soul and innermost thoughts. And I choose whom I want to give up control to. Noone can demand these things.  Although every day in my mail, someone actually does.

For me there has to be trust. Maybe because I'm fragile and super glued back together, or maybe I'm just complicated. Theres no instruction booklet for this or a set amount of time.  It either happens or it doesn't.  You earn my trust by simply being you. You can't manipulate me or berate me or convince me that I have to prove it. Because I don't. 

Being a Dominant doesn't automatically qualify you for a sub. And that you roll up and take ownership of her like a new car. Just like a Dom doesn't accept every sub that has a conversation with him.  Be choosy. Be patient. Find that special spark that gives your soul shivers and leaves a smile on your face. 

If I'm more dominant than you.... its not going to happen. Ever. No offense meant to you. I am positive there are many types of Dominants and submissives. And that's alright. Not everyone is going to be a good fit. 

"You will naturally be submissive to a man that you trust to lead,  even if you're an alpha female."

《 《 《 Facts.

A new chapter is about to start. Three hundred and sixty six empty pages are just waiting to be filled. How that happens is up to you. Sometimes life seems out of control and we are just along for the roller-coaster ride. But at the end of the day when we close our eyes, how we see that day is within our control. And if we can find the good moments and silver lining always, then we are on our way. 

New Years Eve has always been my favorite holiday. The possibilities are endless. A whole new year is about to start that has never happened before. 

Let's be kind. Help a stranger. Take risks. Laugh until it hurts. Love even harder. Tell your secrets. Compliment someone. Don't leave words unsaid. Look at the stars. Bask in the sunshine. Try something new. And have a lot of kinky, passionate sex. Every day.  ♡

I want to wake up in the last peaceful moments when dawn is approaching and the street outside is still silent. I look over and see you breathing peacefully in your slumber. My hand finds its way down your body as I slip under the sheets anxious for my prize. I desperately need my lips on your cock. I want you to wake up with a fierce need for me and surrounded by the sensation of my mouth worshipping you. I want to please you and make you feel so amazing. I want you to feel my passion for you through the sensations of my tongue licking you up and down and flicking the sensitive spot on the tip that makes you groan in pleasure. You know just how badly i want you to take control and I love the moment when you do. You wrap your hand in my long hair and push my mouth down on your cock, making me take it all. Its the moment the cat turns into the mouse and I become your prey. I choke and gag as tears fill my eyes and you steal my breath away. But my breath belongs to you and theres nothing I love more than being yours. I feel your hips move as you get close and I caress your balls just the way you like. Then your fist yanks my hair one last final time, as you thrust upwards and release into my mouth. I hungrily swallow every last drop of your cum, sucking every drop out of your dick. I crawl upwards and feel your arms around me as you whisper "That's my good girl". Your pleasure is an intoxication I cannot deny. We fall back asleep both of us with smiles on our faces ♡

For some the holidays don't always feel that festive. But they don't want to say anything and ruin your happiness and cheer. So you plaster on a fake smile & go through the motions. For them. And because its easier. Than trying to explain how you feel.

Maybe you lost a loved one this year & their absence right now makes your heart hurt. 

Maybe you had a breakup recently and you're feeling the loss of that partner you thought would be with you.

Maybe you or someone close is going through the pain and uncertainty of health problems or financial problems. 

For me it's the family thing. Everything about Christmas screams be with your family and loved ones.  What if you don't have any? Or those alive don't care. What if they just don't give a shit about making memories and spending time together? I do have wonderful friends whom I love dearly but the holidays always bring that pain in my heart back a little bit. Or more than a little bit. It makes me feel lonely. 

Give hugs this Christmas. To everyone even if it seems they don't need it. 

I'll be around if anyone wants company or isn't quite feeling festive. I see you. Send me a message. We can play tic tac toe maybe. :)

Lately, I've had a hard time comprehending the actions of some people. And I think that's okay. Maybe I'm not meant to. 

Some of the people on here have genuinely shocked me.  In not a good way at all.  I find myself becoming jaded at people's attempts to manipulate or use me. 

I may be innocent in the ways of kink but not in life.  I may be trusting but its because I choose to be.  I know most will betray that trust but I'm going to just keep on doing me. That's what I do best.  

Even in negativity,  silver linings and lessons can be found if you look hard enough.  It's about perspective. 

I'm really babbling today.  Trying to be vague because I don't like to judge or out people but damn.... some things are just not okay. 

I'd rather have my mind blown in a good way ♡

I wanted to make a list of things that make us go hmmmm. Red flags with a blinking light that say 'Use Caution'. Please feel free to add in the comments, if I've missed anything :)

~ an empty or vague profile (they have something to hide or maybe just put out low effort)

~ avoiding your questions 

~ no interest in learning about you except on sexual topics (probably only looking for a sexual relationship or quick fuck)

~ inconsistency, one day hot and the next cold (likely shopping around for multiple prospects)

~ putting all responsibility on you to convince them you're submissive,  you're worth it,  you're interested (this is a 2 way.street, being submissive doesnt mean you do all the work)

~ someone who keeps trying to prove something (how experienced they are or how rich they are)

~ pushing over and over for nudes or videos even after you say you are not comfortable with it

~ 

This is Part 2 but I Am Who I Am - Part 1 can be found in my blog as well.

I met him (K) when I was 15, the summer after my mother abandoned me. I was lost and lonely and desperate for love. I had my first real boyfriend at the time but K did all he could to break us up, under the guise of our friendship. He would play the 'suicide' card so often and how he needed me but it was normal behavior to me after dealing with my mother. Nevertheless I felt obligated to help and that I couldn't turn my back on him. This is how we started 'dating'.

Over the length of the relationship I would endure every type of abuse including physical, emotional, psychological and sexual. Through the years the abuse escalated as it always tends to do. His troubles with alcohol grew increasingly worse until he was drunk daily. 

I was cut off from all friends, only allowed to see them or talk to them if he was present. I could go to work and then straight home. It wasn't possible for me to maintain friendships, plus anyone who saw bruises or black eyes on me would just ignore it. In my mind that meant noone cared. Just exactly like he always said to me.  Only K's friends were allowed over and they would get drunk and ridicule and insult me all evening. 

He took my virginity one drunken night at age 17 when he suddenly pushed it in, did his thing and left me crying in a pair of bloody and cum filled panties while he went back to the party. This didn't change much over the years, if there was any sex it was fast, no foreplay and just him getting off. He would take what he wanted, even if I said no or was crying. I learnt to give a good blowjob so that it was over quickly. For years I heard that if I was better in bed or more sexy, he would want to fuck me. That it was my fault he cheated on me. He convinced me that getting wet was bad, and didn't feel good for him.  

If we were out and a guy looked at me or noticed me, K would become enraged and take it out on me physically at home with his fists. He was convinced that I got attention because I was a slut. That I was asking for it. I learnt to never show my feelings and to hide it when I was horny.  

I had my first orgasm at age 24 from touching myself. I had no idea what I had been missing. 

Nothing I did was ever good enough, I just became so used to feeling worthless. I hate compliments to this very day because I feel like they are insincere or about someone else. My self image is distorted. Logically I know this and why but when I'm emotional or feel hurt its easy to slip down that slope. 

He controlled all of the money and spent irresponsibly while racking up debt in both of our names. Without access to money, even if I was brave enough, I couldn't leave him. And where would I go? I felt trapped for a very long time. 

 We were together almost 10 years and it reached a crescendo one violent night when he arrived home drunk. He made himself a sandwich while I pretended to be asleep as I often did. Just my mere presence was enough to instigate a vicious reaction so I always slept on the couch. Out of sight & hopefully out of his mind. As he ate he mumbled away and then said tonight was it, he was going to kill me. He had never said that before. He stated it calmly and matter of factly and I knew he had thought it through. Something was off, he was different. My heart started racing as I frantically thought about what I was going to do.

That night will be Part 3 but not tonight. 

I'm not sure how long I've been sick now but I am finally on the downhill side. My appetites back, I'm not so weak & dizzy and I feel a bit more like myself. Still have chest pain, cough etc but Covid the 2nd time has been gentler than the first. Although it's still not my idea of a good time. My patience for people's bullshit has decreased lately ?. That's not a bad thing because generally I'm much too nice. Don't take my kindness for weakness. December is such a busy month for so many. Remember to take time out for you ♡.

Im taking a break from answering mail, blogs, forums etc. 

I've recieved some rude messages from people whose mail I didnt respond to ?. Guess what? I'm not obligated to answer it OR send you anything. Get over yourself. 

I've been ill, not chatty and just need some time to feel better. There's lot of bad viruses out there right now.  I'm sleeping, coughing,   and soaking up fluids as best as I can.  

Stay healthy out there. 

P.S. I'm accepting soup ? 

Dropping one of my fave tunes here ♡