Dirty Pretty Things

I want to wake up in the last peaceful moments when dawn is approaching and the street outside is still silent. I look over and see you breathing peacefully in your slumber. My hand finds its way down your body as I slip under the sheets anxious for my prize. I desperately need my lips on your cock. I want you to wake up with a fierce need for me and surrounded by the sensation of my mouth worshipping you. I want to please you and make you feel so amazing. I want you to feel my passion for you through the sensations of my tongue licking you up and down and flicking the sensitive spot on the tip that makes you groan in pleasure. You know just how badly i want you to take control and I love the moment when you do. You wrap your hand in my long hair and push my mouth down on your cock, making me take it all. Its the moment the cat turns into the mouse and I become your prey. I choke and gag as tears fill my eyes and you steal my breath away. But my breath belongs to you and theres nothing I love more than being yours. I feel your hips move as you get close and I caress your balls just the way you like. Then your fist yanks my hair one last final time, as you thrust upwards and release into my mouth. I hungrily swallow every last drop of your cum, sucking every drop out of your dick. I crawl upwards and feel your arms around me as you whisper "That's my good girl". Your pleasure is an intoxication I cannot deny. We fall back asleep both of us with smiles on our faces ♡

For some the holidays don't always feel that festive. But they don't want to say anything and ruin your happiness and cheer. So you plaster on a fake smile & go through the motions. For them. And because its easier. Than trying to explain how you feel.

Maybe you lost a loved one this year & their absence right now makes your heart hurt. 

Maybe you had a breakup recently and you're feeling the loss of that partner you thought would be with you.

Maybe you or someone close is going through the pain and uncertainty of health problems or financial problems. 

For me it's the family thing. Everything about Christmas screams be with your family and loved ones.  What if you don't have any? Or those alive don't care. What if they just don't give a shit about making memories and spending time together? I do have wonderful friends whom I love dearly but the holidays always bring that pain in my heart back a little bit. Or more than a little bit. It makes me feel lonely. 

Give hugs this Christmas. To everyone even if it seems they don't need it. 

I'll be around if anyone wants company or isn't quite feeling festive. I see you. Send me a message. We can play tic tac toe maybe. :)

Lately, I've had a hard time comprehending the actions of some people. And I think that's okay. Maybe I'm not meant to. 

Some of the people on here have genuinely shocked me.  In not a good way at all.  I find myself becoming jaded at people's attempts to manipulate or use me. 

I may be innocent in the ways of kink but not in life.  I may be trusting but its because I choose to be.  I know most will betray that trust but I'm going to just keep on doing me. That's what I do best.  

Even in negativity,  silver linings and lessons can be found if you look hard enough.  It's about perspective. 

I'm really babbling today.  Trying to be vague because I don't like to judge or out people but damn.... some things are just not okay. 

I'd rather have my mind blown in a good way ♡

I wanted to make a list of things that make us go hmmmm. Red flags with a blinking light that say 'Use Caution'. Please feel free to add in the comments, if I've missed anything :)

~ an empty or vague profile (they have something to hide or maybe just put out low effort)

~ avoiding your questions 

~ no interest in learning about you except on sexual topics (probably only looking for a sexual relationship or quick fuck)

~ inconsistency, one day hot and the next cold (likely shopping around for multiple prospects)

~ putting all responsibility on you to convince them you're submissive,  you're worth it,  you're interested (this is a 2 way.street, being submissive doesnt mean you do all the work)

~ someone who keeps trying to prove something (how experienced they are or how rich they are)

~ pushing over and over for nudes or videos even after you say you are not comfortable with it

~ 

This is Part 2 but I Am Who I Am - Part 1 can be found in my blog as well.

I met him (K) when I was 15, the summer after my mother abandoned me. I was lost and lonely and desperate for love. I had my first real boyfriend at the time but K did all he could to break us up, under the guise of our friendship. He would play the 'suicide' card so often and how he needed me but it was normal behavior to me after dealing with my mother. Nevertheless I felt obligated to help and that I couldn't turn my back on him. This is how we started 'dating'.

Over the length of the relationship I would endure every type of abuse including physical, emotional, psychological and sexual. Through the years the abuse escalated as it always tends to do. His troubles with alcohol grew increasingly worse until he was drunk daily. 

I was cut off from all friends, only allowed to see them or talk to them if he was present. I could go to work and then straight home. It wasn't possible for me to maintain friendships, plus anyone who saw bruises or black eyes on me would just ignore it. In my mind that meant noone cared. Just exactly like he always said to me.  Only K's friends were allowed over and they would get drunk and ridicule and insult me all evening. 

He took my virginity one drunken night at age 17 when he suddenly pushed it in, did his thing and left me crying in a pair of bloody and cum filled panties while he went back to the party. This didn't change much over the years, if there was any sex it was fast, no foreplay and just him getting off. He would take what he wanted, even if I said no or was crying. I learnt to give a good blowjob so that it was over quickly. For years I heard that if I was better in bed or more sexy, he would want to fuck me. That it was my fault he cheated on me. He convinced me that getting wet was bad, and didn't feel good for him.  

If we were out and a guy looked at me or noticed me, K would become enraged and take it out on me physically at home with his fists. He was convinced that I got attention because I was a slut. That I was asking for it. I learnt to never show my feelings and to hide it when I was horny.  

I had my first orgasm at age 24 from touching myself. I had no idea what I had been missing. 

Nothing I did was ever good enough, I just became so used to feeling worthless. I hate compliments to this very day because I feel like they are insincere or about someone else. My self image is distorted. Logically I know this and why but when I'm emotional or feel hurt its easy to slip down that slope. 

He controlled all of the money and spent irresponsibly while racking up debt in both of our names. Without access to money, even if I was brave enough, I couldn't leave him. And where would I go? I felt trapped for a very long time. 

 We were together almost 10 years and it reached a crescendo one violent night when he arrived home drunk. He made himself a sandwich while I pretended to be asleep as I often did. Just my mere presence was enough to instigate a vicious reaction so I always slept on the couch. Out of sight & hopefully out of his mind. As he ate he mumbled away and then said tonight was it, he was going to kill me. He had never said that before. He stated it calmly and matter of factly and I knew he had thought it through. Something was off, he was different. My heart started racing as I frantically thought about what I was going to do.

That night will be Part 3 but not tonight. 

I'm not sure how long I've been sick now but I am finally on the downhill side. My appetites back, I'm not so weak & dizzy and I feel a bit more like myself. Still have chest pain, cough etc but Covid the 2nd time has been gentler than the first. Although it's still not my idea of a good time. My patience for people's bullshit has decreased lately 😒. That's not a bad thing because generally I'm much too nice. Don't take my kindness for weakness. December is such a busy month for so many. Remember to take time out for you ♡.

Im taking a break from answering mail, blogs, forums etc. 

I've recieved some rude messages from people whose mail I didnt respond to 🙄. Guess what? I'm not obligated to answer it OR send you anything. Get over yourself. 

I've been ill, not chatty and just need some time to feel better. There's lot of bad viruses out there right now.  I'm sleeping, coughing,   and soaking up fluids as best as I can.  

Stay healthy out there. 

P.S. I'm accepting soup 🍲 

Dropping one of my fave tunes here ♡

I miss horseback riding. It's been years since I've gone.

I used to go to my friend Tracy's farm. We would bring a bottle of cheap champagne and sip on it, passing it between us on horseback.

Sometimes talking and laughing but mostly just breathing in nature on the long lazy days. The warm sun shining down and heating up my body. The fresh breeze stirring up the leaves on the trail. We would explore everywhere but with no destination in mind. 

I always rode Rex, a feisty and stubborn stallion who didn't like me leading him but I didn't mind. He was powerful and gentle and I always felt so graceful and beautiful  while riding him. With my hair streaming back behind me in the wind.

I miss that feeling of freedom, of peace, of not having to think. Just enjoying the solace and tranquility of the forest. I yearn to feel that again. ♡

(Picture is not me*)

I'm not feeling well today and home curled up in bed. So I'm craving a stimulating conversation. Are you ready?

 How many times have you driven past a vehicle accident without stopping to help? Have you ever seen a physical altercation and just kept walking by? This is a very common reaction and nothing to be ashamed of or judged upon. 

Part of it is due to the "Bystander Effect". You probably have heard of it. It's a common social psychology theory that states the presence of others actually hinders an individual from intervening in an emergency situation. The more bystanders = the greater chance noone will intervene to help. Most people wait and trust that someone else will step in and assist the person in distress. They don't feel that it is their responsibility.

The other part of it? Well, I think there's 2 kinds of people in these type of circumstances. 

The person that looks at danger/ car accidents/ risky situations, etc and simply watches or moves on because it doesn't involve them or a different reason I suppose but ultimately they don't interfere. This is the majority of us.

Or the person that instinctively runs to danger just to help in any small way. It's not even a conscious decision. There are no second thoughts, just instincts.

I am unapologetically the 2nd type. I have intervened in countless situations in my life. It may be dangerous or reckless (Okay, I'm certain it is) but I just jump in without even thinking. A full cannonball into the deep end. I get a sense of calmness and hyperfocus and hours can pass in the blink of an eye.  

I've sat on the ground beside a flipped car on the highway. Crouched amid piles of glass in the snow, just to hold the hand of someone trapped and keep them calm while waiting for rescue.

 I've kneeled in the backseat of a vehicle in blood and debris to stabilize the elderly passenger's head and keep him from moving until help arrived.

I've jumped in front of some intoxicated young men. They were kicking the shit out of someone unconscious and I shielded him with my body.

I've intervened when a man on the street was being rough and physically abusing his lady out of anger. She was crying and screaming for help. It resulted in me being hit instead but it was worth it. 

Only hours after these situations occurred, was I able to comprehend the risk to myself. When the adrenaline is rushing through my body, all I can think is to just do something. Anything. At least try.  

I'd love to hear others' thoughts and opinions on this.  

And if you read my post today, I hope you find a middle ground. Don't drive on by and not help someone that may need it. But don't be careless and rush into danger. Be cautious, rational and caring. You could make a difference in someone's life. ♡

Sometimes the fears and the negative feelings come flooding over me like a tidal waveThat I'll never be enough, always forgotten and left behind. 

That I have nothing to offer,  that the best of me is not enough to make a difference. 

Disappointment can hurt your heart, its better not to be hopeful. For that huge drop from ecstasy to the hard floor is nothing but excruciating.

Logically I know I'm exhausted after a long day. But I dont give a fuck about logic right now. I just wanna be held tight and told everything's gonna be okay. Even if it's not. Can't a girl dream?

Through the wind and the rain

She stands hard as a stone

In her world that she can rise above

But her dreams give her wings

And she flies to a place where

She's loved

Concrete angel