Dirty Pretty Things

I miss horseback riding. It's been years since I've gone.

I used to go to my friend Tracy's farm. We would bring a bottle of cheap champagne and sip on it, passing it between us on horseback.

Sometimes talking and laughing but mostly just breathing in nature on the long lazy days. The warm sun shining down and heating up my body. The fresh breeze stirring up the leaves on the trail. We would explore everywhere but with no destination in mind. 

I always rode Rex, a feisty and stubborn stallion who didn't like me leading him but I didn't mind. He was powerful and gentle and I always felt so graceful and beautiful  while riding him. With my hair streaming back behind me in the wind.

I miss that feeling of freedom, of peace, of not having to think. Just enjoying the solace and tranquility of the forest. I yearn to feel that again. ♡

(Picture is not me*)

I'm not feeling well today and home curled up in bed. So I'm craving a stimulating conversation. Are you ready?

 How many times have you driven past a vehicle accident without stopping to help? Have you ever seen a physical altercation and just kept walking by? This is a very common reaction and nothing to be ashamed of or judged upon. 

Part of it is due to the "Bystander Effect". You probably have heard of it. It's a common social psychology theory that states the presence of others actually hinders an individual from intervening in an emergency situation. The more bystanders = the greater chance noone will intervene to help. Most people wait and trust that someone else will step in and assist the person in distress. They don't feel that it is their responsibility.

The other part of it? Well, I think there's 2 kinds of people in these type of circumstances. 

The person that looks at danger/ car accidents/ risky situations, etc and simply watches or moves on because it doesn't involve them or a different reason I suppose but ultimately they don't interfere. This is the majority of us.

Or the person that instinctively runs to danger just to help in any small way. It's not even a conscious decision. There are no second thoughts, just instincts.

I am unapologetically the 2nd type. I have intervened in countless situations in my life. It may be dangerous or reckless (Okay, I'm certain it is) but I just jump in without even thinking. A full cannonball into the deep end. I get a sense of calmness and hyperfocus and hours can pass in the blink of an eye.  

I've sat on the ground beside a flipped car on the highway. Crouched amid piles of glass in the snow, just to hold the hand of someone trapped and keep them calm while waiting for rescue.

 I've kneeled in the backseat of a vehicle in blood and debris to stabilize the elderly passenger's head and keep him from moving until help arrived.

I've jumped in front of some intoxicated young men. They were kicking the shit out of someone unconscious and I shielded him with my body.

I've intervened when a man on the street was being rough and physically abusing his lady out of anger. She was crying and screaming for help. It resulted in me being hit instead but it was worth it. 

Only hours after these situations occurred, was I able to comprehend the risk to myself. When the adrenaline is rushing through my body, all I can think is to just do something. Anything. At least try.  

I'd love to hear others' thoughts and opinions on this.  

And if you read my post today, I hope you find a middle ground. Don't drive on by and not help someone that may need it. But don't be careless and rush into danger. Be cautious, rational and caring. You could make a difference in someone's life. ♡

Sometimes the fears and the negative feelings come flooding over me like a tidal waveThat I'll never be enough, always forgotten and left behind. 

That I have nothing to offer,  that the best of me is not enough to make a difference. 

Disappointment can hurt your heart, its better not to be hopeful. For that huge drop from ecstasy to the hard floor is nothing but excruciating.

Logically I know I'm exhausted after a long day. But I dont give a fuck about logic right now. I just wanna be held tight and told everything's gonna be okay. Even if it's not. Can't a girl dream?

Through the wind and the rain

She stands hard as a stone

In her world that she can rise above

But her dreams give her wings

And she flies to a place where

She's loved

Concrete angel

Ive been quiet, but inside my head is anything but calm.

Life is fleeting.

I was reminded of that yesterday. A close friend recently had a serious heart surgery, and the next day his newborn baby was born.

Noones time on earth is guaranteed. Say what's on your mind. Say how you feel. Be vulnerable. Take that step. It may not end up how you wanted, but at least you tried.

Be genuine. Be open. Noone knows your thoughts better than you. Everyone perceives things differently. I see a lot of people demanding vulnerability but not giving any in return.

You get what you give. Say something honest. Try it. The feeling is intoxicating, I promise. ♡

Ive been procrastinating on the next chapter of my life story. Numerous psychology courses have taught me that sharing is the best way to heal, and its true, each time it gets a little easier. But even more importantly if it helps even one person or resonates within and makes them feel not so alone, its worth it. Part 2 is oh so difficult for me to write or talk about. It comes with a stigma attached to it along with shame, guilt, and embarrassment. Those negative emotions that noone wants to feel. And it makes me angry that other people's opinions make me feel that way. They didnt walk a mile in my shoes and have no right to judge. I didnt do anything wrong except not love myself enough. But how could I learn to love myself without any support or positive influence. I was still a child when I met him and so easily manipulated. I didnt know what love was and despite being abandoned, I was lucky and had never really experienced anything too horrific. My will to survive is what saved me time after time. For what? I didn't know. But i would carry on day after day for something. And then that final night when death was knocking at my door and the blood dripping from my body, I fought. I fought harder than I ever have before. I wasnt ready to die, I just knew I had to survive. I was fierce and I wasn't going to lose that fight. I don't like pity, no survivor wants pity. I'm not a victim. I'm just a survivor, one simple 8 letter word S-U-R-V-I-V-O-R. But the truth is some people will see me differently after they read my story. They will judge (maybe unconsciously) but it happens and they dont know what to say to me. I'm the same person I was yesterday. Nothing has changed. Remember that for me and any other survivors who are courageous enough to share their story. And live. ♡

The most common question I get, (besides play with yourself on camera for me ?) is what made you interested in bdsm or being submissive. But this question has really made me think. Its not so much that I'm 'interested', being submissive is what feels right, it feels freeing, it feels fullfilling, it feels like me.

I've been through a lot of traumatic things in my troubled life. Have they contributed to who I am today? Definitely. Have they contributed to making me submissive? Maybe. My first milestone was being abandoned at age 15. I was very sheltered and from a strict, upper middle class family and probably spoiled. Not with love and affection (there was none of that) but with objects. Thrust out into the cold world when my mothers new boyfriend decided kids were a pain in the ass. They moved to Vancouver and left me behind with a small backpack and nothing else. I was dropped off at a friends and just never was picked up. It was a cruel turn of events and I was incredibly lost.

At first it seemed safer without the abusive men who would hang around my mother and get joy from hurting me or the handsy ones who wanted to touch me inappropriately. I had never been kissed, never been touched sexually, a complete virgin. I suddenly had no choice but to be independant and take care of myself. That mostly included finding a safe place to sleep and hopefully some food that day. I was filled with conviction I would never get into drugs or alcohol like so many teens and I never did. At 16, i acquired a fulltime job, made enough for rent and a bit of food and learned to survive. Survival mode is exhausting and doesnt leave any time or energy for pleasure. You live from one disaster to the next. My friends were going to the movies and parties and I was trying to make it through one day at a time. At that age, it feels like you are prey to many, a small fish in the big pond of life with no guidance and its so damn hard to understand. Actually, I have been feeling that way on The Cage too, so perhaps we have come full circle? Lol.

I never had the time or pleasure or ability to have fun. I had to be in control, responsible, always on guard. Maybe that was the first stepping stone into why I crave to give up my control to someone and just "feel" life. Why I need to feel safe and wanted. From a psychological perspective, it certainly makes sense. 

Softly stepping around the trees in the night

Dark menacing shadows surround and taunt me

The scent of fear lingers in the air

An aura of evil pleads with me to flee

Chills rack my body amidst the silence

Intuition startles me as my heart starts to race

I begin to run with terror flowing in my veins

But behind I hear him commence the chase

Heavy pounding footsteps falling so near

My limbs in slow motion I struggle with speed

His fingers reach out tangling in my long hair

My emotions turn to steel, I refuse to plead

Frightened glazed eyes glance frantically around

No chance for escape when theres nowhere to hide

Relentlessly he throws his prize to the ground

I'm filled with anticipation and trepidation inside

When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse
And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
And high up above, or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try, you'll never know
Just what you're worth
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Frantic heart

In the dead of the night

Haunted eyes

She awakens with fright

Bleeding lips

She has no control

Crimson drops

Fall a steady flow

Ragged gasps

In the darkened room

Trembling hands

Heartbreak looms

Disheveled strands

Like remnants of her soul

Ashen skin

She feels so low

I'm sitting at work, on a crisp Monday morning. Ignoring the pile of work on my desk and thinking about what I've learned this past week. 

~ i dont want to be pressured for nudes and videos, i want to give that eagerly to the one that has earned my trust, my submission and me.

~ when I feel pressured, i retreat, i hide, I go into a small box and lose myself to internal war. I get a bad feeling inside me, I doubt my worth, and it makes me sad.

~ i want to feel that he wants to get to know me inside and out, intimately, every inch of my body but my mind too. I want to matter. I dont want to be one of a million. I'm different, and I want someone who will love to unwrap all my layers.

~ i need to know him too, thats how trust works. Communicating and learning about each other. It takes effort from both sides. Is it safe to assume that someone who doesnt want that is only after quick sexual play? Maybe. I'm still uncertain. 

I've made a couple of new friendships with lovely members who are gently offering advice & guidance. And I am so appreciative of this ?.

I wish i could post pictures, maybe I should consider premium.