Dirty Pretty Things

Ive been quiet, but inside my head is anything but calm.

Life is fleeting.

I was reminded of that yesterday. A close friend recently had a serious heart surgery, and the next day his newborn baby was born.

Noones time on earth is guaranteed. Say what's on your mind. Say how you feel. Be vulnerable. Take that step. It may not end up how you wanted, but at least you tried.

Be genuine. Be open. Noone knows your thoughts better than you. Everyone perceives things differently. I see a lot of people demanding vulnerability but not giving any in return.

You get what you give. Say something honest. Try it. The feeling is intoxicating, I promise. ♡

Ive been procrastinating on the next chapter of my life story. Numerous psychology courses have taught me that sharing is the best way to heal, and its true, each time it gets a little easier. But even more importantly if it helps even one person or resonates within and makes them feel not so alone, its worth it. Part 2 is oh so difficult for me to write or talk about. It comes with a stigma attached to it along with shame, guilt, and embarrassment. Those negative emotions that noone wants to feel. And it makes me angry that other people's opinions make me feel that way. They didnt walk a mile in my shoes and have no right to judge. I didnt do anything wrong except not love myself enough. But how could I learn to love myself without any support or positive influence. I was still a child when I met him and so easily manipulated. I didnt know what love was and despite being abandoned, I was lucky and had never really experienced anything too horrific. My will to survive is what saved me time after time. For what? I didn't know. But i would carry on day after day for something. And then that final night when death was knocking at my door and the blood dripping from my body, I fought. I fought harder than I ever have before. I wasnt ready to die, I just knew I had to survive. I was fierce and I wasn't going to lose that fight. I don't like pity, no survivor wants pity. I'm not a victim. I'm just a survivor, one simple 8 letter word S-U-R-V-I-V-O-R. But the truth is some people will see me differently after they read my story. They will judge (maybe unconsciously) but it happens and they dont know what to say to me. I'm the same person I was yesterday. Nothing has changed. Remember that for me and any other survivors who are courageous enough to share their story. And live. ♡

The most common question I get, (besides play with yourself on camera for me 🙄) is what made you interested in bdsm or being submissive. But this question has really made me think. Its not so much that I'm 'interested', being submissive is what feels right, it feels freeing, it feels fullfilling, it feels like me.

I've been through a lot of traumatic things in my troubled life. Have they contributed to who I am today? Definitely. Have they contributed to making me submissive? Maybe. My first milestone was being abandoned at age 15. I was very sheltered and from a strict, upper middle class family and probably spoiled. Not with love and affection (there was none of that) but with objects. Thrust out into the cold world when my mothers new boyfriend decided kids were a pain in the ass. They moved to Vancouver and left me behind with a small backpack and nothing else. I was dropped off at a friends and just never was picked up. It was a cruel turn of events and I was incredibly lost.

At first it seemed safer without the abusive men who would hang around my mother and get joy from hurting me or the handsy ones who wanted to touch me inappropriately. I had never been kissed, never been touched sexually, a complete virgin. I suddenly had no choice but to be independant and take care of myself. That mostly included finding a safe place to sleep and hopefully some food that day. I was filled with conviction I would never get into drugs or alcohol like so many teens and I never did. At 16, i acquired a fulltime job, made enough for rent and a bit of food and learned to survive. Survival mode is exhausting and doesnt leave any time or energy for pleasure. You live from one disaster to the next. My friends were going to the movies and parties and I was trying to make it through one day at a time. At that age, it feels like you are prey to many, a small fish in the big pond of life with no guidance and its so damn hard to understand. Actually, I have been feeling that way on The Cage too, so perhaps we have come full circle? Lol.

I never had the time or pleasure or ability to have fun. I had to be in control, responsible, always on guard. Maybe that was the first stepping stone into why I crave to give up my control to someone and just "feel" life. Why I need to feel safe and wanted. From a psychological perspective, it certainly makes sense. 

Softly stepping around the trees in the night

Dark menacing shadows surround and taunt me

The scent of fear lingers in the air

An aura of evil pleads with me to flee

Chills rack my body amidst the silence

Intuition startles me as my heart starts to race

I begin to run with terror flowing in my veins

But behind I hear him commence the chase

Heavy pounding footsteps falling so near

My limbs in slow motion I struggle with speed

His fingers reach out tangling in my long hair

My emotions turn to steel, I refuse to plead

Frightened glazed eyes glance frantically around

No chance for escape when theres nowhere to hide

Relentlessly he throws his prize to the ground

I'm filled with anticipation and trepidation inside

When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse
And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
And high up above, or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try, you'll never know
Just what you're worth
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Frantic heart

In the dead of the night

Haunted eyes

She awakens with fright

Bleeding lips

She has no control

Crimson drops

Fall a steady flow

Ragged gasps

In the darkened room

Trembling hands

Heartbreak looms

Disheveled strands

Like remnants of her soul

Ashen skin

She feels so low

I'm sitting at work, on a crisp Monday morning. Ignoring the pile of work on my desk and thinking about what I've learned this past week. 

~ i dont want to be pressured for nudes and videos, i want to give that eagerly to the one that has earned my trust, my submission and me.

~ when I feel pressured, i retreat, i hide, I go into a small box and lose myself to internal war. I get a bad feeling inside me, I doubt my worth, and it makes me sad.

~ i want to feel that he wants to get to know me inside and out, intimately, every inch of my body but my mind too. I want to matter. I dont want to be one of a million. I'm different, and I want someone who will love to unwrap all my layers.

~ i need to know him too, thats how trust works. Communicating and learning about each other. It takes effort from both sides. Is it safe to assume that someone who doesnt want that is only after quick sexual play? Maybe. I'm still uncertain. 

I've made a couple of new friendships with lovely members who are gently offering advice & guidance. And I am so appreciative of this 🌷.

I wish i could post pictures, maybe I should consider premium.

Im really stepping out of my comfort zone but this has been a fantasy of mine for a long time. I've never ventured into erotic writing so gentle criticism and feedback is needed.

I knew he had a surprise in mind when he ordered me to take off my panties in the car. He had told me to wear my short black skater skirt tonight, flippy and loose and easy access. And now without my panties, I felt vulnerable as we walked across the parking lot and amongst the crowds of people. I can feel the breeze on my bare pussy as we walk. He holds my hand tightly and I feel safe as people push by us. I worry what if my skirt flips up and someone could see my pussy and ass but I still get wet and excited at the thought. We make it inside and head to the center of the room. He's so close behind me as we start to dance and grind on the dancefloor. The room is so crowded, its a crush of bodies swaying together. I love feeling his hands roam all over my body as we move to the music. I start to push my ass back against the front of his pants. Rubbing my ass on him while the throbbing beat of the music matches the throbbing of my clit as I feel his cock grow harder. He laughs and whispers in my ear that im his little slut then he pulls me firmly back against his body. He's holding me so tightly that I can barely move. He reaches under my skirt without even checking if anyone can see us . He doesn't care because im his little whore and he can use me wherever and whenever he wants. He circles my clit gently rubbing it, while holding me so tight that I can't stop him. I let out a gasp and my heart speeds up. I have shivers all over my body as he slides his fingers inside my already soaking wet pussy. I start moaning for him because it feels incredible. He chuckles in my ear knowing that I am helpless to resist him and I feel my pussy aching to be filled. He always knows what I need and he pushes his two fingers deep in my pussy. His other hand plays with my tits and he finds a hard nipple through my thin shirt. He starts twisting and pinching it painfully and my moans get louder. I can feel my juices running down my thighs. He's my soul focus now, my reason to breathe, and I no longer care if anyone's watching. He could do anything he wanted and I would happily let him. Im his. My pussy starts clenching down as he finger fucks me and he can tell from my moans that I'm close to the edge. He bites down on my neck and says "cum for me right now princess". I lose control for him and orgasm so hard that I feel faint & dizzy. He lets my skirt back down and takes his fingers to his mouth and sucks them. I shiver as we make eye contact because I can feel how great his need for me is and I want his cock inside me so badly. He growls "Mine" and then wraps his arms around me and pushes me gently towards the door. I can't wait until we get home. The night is just beginning. ♡

This past week has been a roller coaster. My emotions have really been all over the place. Normally, I feel quite calm and steady but wow am I a hot mess right now. My mind has been filled with so much new knowledge and with that has come new emotions too. I really didn't consider that my mind would be so integral to my submission but they are intimately linked. I find myself needing reassurance and approval more than I ever thought. It makes me feel vulnerable when Im used to being confident in most things. Its unexpected. Kinda wanna just be wrapped up in big strong arms, my hair stroked and kissed and taken care of today.

emotional purge

I didn't really expect it to be like this. I didn't know what to expect I guess. I feel a little like I'm swimming with the sharks and I dont know who to trust and who will save me. It's both thrilling and terrifying and turns me on. I've been in a heightened state of arousal for the past 2 days since joining here. I'm excited about the possibilities and scared to make the wrong choices. And what if I find my perfect match but he decides I'm not for him. And then there's training too. Sometimes I doubt I'm right for anyone. Ironically, I came here to submit and give up control but am now lost in the vast ocean of learning and decisions and its overwhelming me. It's a lot. I just want to stop thinking for a bit and feel. I want the shivers and butterflies and racing heart and the deep satisfaction of having someone dominate and take care of me. I guess I need to learn patience.