I am writing this as I try to see through my tears. When I started my journey a couple of months ago, I was lost and empty. Like most newbies, I got used and hurt and abandoned. It hurt me to the point of almost giving up on myself once again. Until He reached out to me. He saved me from myself. It was nothing more than a Master helping and guiding a newbie. His taste is one thing and I was looking for something else.
But His raw honesty, His patience, His brain, His...well...His everything slowly made me realize what it is that I REALLY want. I denied it for a while. I didn’t want to admit it to myself. Until I couldn’t keep it inside anymore. I told Him!! We’ve been going back and forth on how and if this could actually work. He tells me things and I say yes. He asks me questions and I answer all. He tells me to do things and I do them.
However....
He underestimates my willingness to be able to give Him everything He will ever ask of me. I understand He wants me to know exactly what I’ll be getting myself into once I give him my complete submission. I also understand He doesn’t want his precious time wasted on someone that might not make Him happy or satisfy Him.
I admit, I know nothing of this lifestyle. BUT I do know how I feel and what I want. And I want nothing more than to make Him the happiest Master that has ever walked the face of this earth!! I ask...is my desire to want to make Him happy not enough?? Are my words not enough?? Is what I feel not enough?? Am I not enough?? I would like to know what will be enough for Him to believe in me!!
I am scared out of my wits of all I feel for Him and all I want with Him!! I am frustrated beyond belief of the distance that’s between us and can’t wait for the day I get to kneel in front of Him! I am hurt like He has no idea of how little faith He has in me. I do know that this is His life that he is putting on the line. But what He fails to understand is that it is my life that is in jeopardy as well. More so than His and He knows why.
I am not allowed to tell Him if I’m hurt. I am not to talk to Him about how I’m feeling. I am allowed to cry. So, I decided to start this blog. I am an emotional being and need to express my feelings. This will be my outlet so I can be better put together emotionally when I go to Him. I will do whatever needs to be done to make Him see I am not wasting either of our times.
I only wish that He would have faith in me. That He would believe in me. I wish He could truly understand that He is the fuel I need to continue to move forward!!
I want to thank all those who actually took the time to read my thoughts. I apologize for writing a book. I welcome any and all thoughts, advice, and opinions. Thanks again!!
XOXO
Missub ?
