The Culture that has been here all the time

I keep wondering if I can no longer take care of my wife, what will happen? If she passes away, will I be ready for that? If I am forced to place her in a facility, would I be ready for that? Probably not, and when I no longer have her as my reason to go on, what will happen to me? I suppose I will carry on for the sake of my cat and two small dogs.

It is not that I have a cold, unforgiving heart, but all the people (especially our family) who left me to care for her alone will not have a place in my heart. What would we do? Remind each other of what life was like since 2017 for my wife and me? No.

Jim

I have been stable for more than four decades with one or two emotionally tornadic days: I started my journey as an alcoholic when I was 15, and it subsided substantially after the fiasco on my 36th birthday. Shortly there after I met my current wife, Jeanne, and she helped me defeat that monster, but it wasn't until about 12  years ago that I became completely free from drinking any alcoholic beverage.

Over the past month, I have sipped whiskey or rum a couple of days a week as a form of recreation in this dreadful life I lead as my wife's only caregiver. About 1/2 oz or 10 cl during my afternoon break.

The meds I take magnify that small amount's effect. A short-lived, tiny buzz. It is all I have to deal with as a risky move I know. Because it took so many years to admit I was an alcoholic and give up drinking altogether. 

Since no one visits Jeanne and me (not even family), I feel like spinning a web and purring bait by my front door, and if someone gets close, snatch them in and enter into a nice conversation. My neighbor brought something for us (a sweater too small for her husband but may fit Jeanne), and I captured her and urged her to talk with Jeanne. I got her to stay a whole five minutes.

If I were wealthy, I could buy a lover even if she faked it. The song "Can't Buy Me Love" is a myth. If it looks like love, feels like love, and acts like love, who cares: It is love. I've seen many news articles about the advantaged men having multiple lovers, and even when doing something wrong and get caught, they seem to get away with it. Before I was scammed out of my liquid cash, I had numerous ladies telling me they would help me, even that they loved me before they even knew me. Now managing ok, but no longer with ample money available, the school of women circling me has vanished.

I met wealthy men with young wives after divorcing their long-serving spouse, even with young children in tow. This seems to be a fact of life. 

I refuse to divorce my wife of forty years because she can not be my lover; that act is not in me.

The wealthy man's song might be: 

These are favorite songs these days:

Yes, I have only had sex briefly more than a year ago with a FWB, and before that time? No sex for at least four years. What have I learned? I have learned that I can live without having a lover, even if it will not be a good thing. No lover will shorten my lifespan, leading to days when I am frustrated and creating an uneasy emotional atmosphere every day. It is not that I like this state of life, but it is because it seems I have no choice. Or rather, I have chosen to stay with my wife, who is ill and not able to have sex, and honor my commitment of 'till death do us part. I can not even go out on the prowel of the bars and clubs seeking a suitable woman to have sex with and leave my wife alone. That would only be a partial solution anyway. I would like an emotional connection to a lover, not just a brief encounter, even if the relationship is tenuous. Still, I would infuse all the love into the relationship that I can if I somehow find myself in a relationship.

History reveals that challenges to peace and tranquility are constantly nipping at humanity's heels; somehow, nevertheless, we seem to eek out improvements in the World, sometimes with significant human cost. Recent developments in the World seem to indicate that steps backward are being taken, and we are being tested again. I lived through the 1960s, and now I see improvements made back then slipping away. I voiced my opinion numerous times on Social Media Platforms, but I feel like a mouse screaming out a warning in a vast wilderness of ears that will not hear. I have no political power or a significant voice bestowed on me by notoriety or celebrity, so there isn't much I can do to have a positive impact.

If I can stir you, my blog readers know this as King Solomon wrote centuries ago, "There is nothing new under the sun." 

Plato and Aristotle on the Family and the Polis
John Hittinger
The University of St. Thomas, Houston
The question of the family is at the heart of many important political issues

EMPATHY LOST IS MORE THAN PARADISE LOST. What value is it to explore the Moon or Colonize Mars without empathy?  Are we presently here to serve and please the few and ignore the many?

If we are losing empathy, it must be that it is being eroded within the family unit. Perhaps we are at a point where humans no longer need the family unit, and dysfunction will replace well-balanced caring humans with cold calculating entities. Note, I am not saying this because we are threatened by AI (Artificial Intelligence). I am warning humanity, it seems we will find a way to self-destruct, and it may not be in some Science Fiction Novel set in the distant future.

Intimate Grooming is not just for appearances, it fulfills an important purpose. When considering a new lover who is a stranger to you, a subtle inspection of their pubic area can reveal if they have a health problem or an infestation of pubic lice. If you are a bold type, you can instruct them to undress and have a look. Admittedly, this can break a romantic spell, so think carefully before you plunge into this without considering the potential for a negative effect. 

From an aesthetic point of view, you may like your new lover to be as smooth and clean as a Greek or Roman statue. I admit intimate grooming as a practice together can be arousing too. People who can't make up their mind on the preference can experience a delay in intimacy if they had their lover remove all their body hair, then change their mind and decide they are more excited by seeing body hair.

Now you will have to wait for it all to grow back if you insist.

(Photos Public Domain)

Throughout my life, I must confess I have encountered many incarnations of the nine Muses of Greek and Roman Mythology. To be more accurate, their apparent mortal incarnations. They influenced my artwork, my songs, and my inherent ideology.

In the beginning, I was only aware of them in a vague sense derived from imagery portrayed in Pop Culture. I discovered the Nine Muses influence and inspire much more than music, song, and paintings. This was the result that I am a fallible mortal man. Thus, the view of a muse for me always had a sexual tension, always associated with a beautiful woman in my view. In recent years of reflection and contemplation, I have amended my vision of a Muse. The Muse I envision need not have a permanent sexual component. Still, the connection should be warm and loving.

The idealized Muse of my youth, with idealized physical beauty and perfect empathy, has been replaced with a more realistic person with greater internal beauty, having greater importance. She understands me in great detail, the positives and the negatives, and encourages me to be at my creative best.

My wife, whom I see fading away more each day, was exactly this Muse.

I hope this day doesn't morph into a Hard Day's Night. My wife was very manageable today, but I? I was (still) am a clumbsy bafoon. Drop things, forget things, I forgot to do things (clothes sat in the washer for hours), spilled coffee, dropped food, maybe I am at the beginning of dementia. Who will care for my wife if so?

My dogs got under my feet several times, but fortunately, Sunny Day, my cat, cuddled up to me. No, he can not replace the love my wife offered years ago, but I suppose he is doing his best. And at least I have him to keep me warm.

On a good day, my wife still walks around, eats, and drinks. On a bad day, she tends to fall. If I constantly watch her, she keeps walking, she keeps eating, and remains hydrated, we then have good days. I want as many of those as I can help achieve. Even on good days, I must change her, keep her clean, and ensure she is well. She no longer has the use of or understands language, but might watch a colorful TV screen for a few moments. Apphasia prevents me from communicating with her, so I do not know if she knows who I am or even has a lucid few minutes.

I love her, but wonder if I am in love with the old her, and just imagine that she is the same inside. She will laugh a little if I offer something she finds amusing. She will rebel if she refuses to do something like eat or go to bed. In the worst case, she will hit or bite me. I have trained myself to ignore this, and when she dumps her food onto the floor, there probably isn't a reason for it.

She likes stuffed animals and dolls.