The Culture that has been here all the time

A bad married day is 1000 times better than one day alone. There was always room to make up, and we could warm each other even if we were mad about something that never lasted long anyway.

Since so many people who claimed to be caring deserted my wife when she became ill, I lack a tangible network of friends to ease my loneliness. Not much hope for a change. Maybe Bingo nights? 

I am learning cat and dog language, playing and singing old songs, and restarting my artwork each day before I swallow melatonin and call it a day. Yes, go to bed earlier and earlier and get up only because Sunny, my cat, insists.

Yes, we each have to find our own way, but having a companion has more upsides than downs.

Most of you know I was my wife's only caregiver for eight years before she passed away, and that I was part of a caregiver group. Th group helped me in many ways, but especially by giving me permission to mourn gradually through the years. Yes, the long goodbye process helps, but it is not perfect: I have very challenging moments of sadness, and I wonder if they will ever fade away.

Dear blog reader, if you are a woman 55 - 70 and live near me, maybe you and I would take a walk and have a talk. We may even become friends.

I am posting this because I am not gay and want to discourage males from sending me letters and invitations.

From a sexual point of view, entering puberty and senior status have some things in common: erotic dreams.

When we are young, and our sexuality (hormones) is influencing our body and mind, we can do very little but ride out the storm.  Erotic dreams point to the future when we will be able to enjoy our sexuality (even though we may not truly know what that means). Adjusting to the limitations as we age is not as challenging if we are open-minded and have a partner who understands what it means too.

Since life has taken me this far, I have learned several things about aging sexuality: 1) You need to adjust to bodily changes and not fear them; 2) Desire doesn't go away; 3) Adjusting socially to be able to engage in sexuality necessitates new attitudes and expectations.

Without a partner and no option to engage in sex, our minds pick up where we were in those days of puberty: we have erotic dreams.

My annual urology check-up went well. Why is this worth telling you about? At my age, it isn't a given; in fact, most men have serious challenges related to urology and sex; mine are minor, well within the scope of an aging man who is aging gracefully. Now that my intense caregiving role is past, what is the one thing I can do to help my health? Walk.

From my new urologist about my nonexistent sex life.

This is me every morning since my wife died: "Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you're gonna get" is a famous quote from the 1994 film Forrest Gump. Why? I cared so much for my late wife and had taken care of her through a long illness that I wonder if I have burned out all my goodness because I feel so empty. I sometimes imagine she is in the next room and talk to her ashes in the beautiful urn I placed them in. Miescule comfort.

"AI Overview (Google)

Mourning a spouse after forty years of marriage is 
a profound loss involving the grief of a shared life, identity, and future. It requires immense self-compassion, as healing is a non-linear process that often feels like a "roller coaster of hell". Key strategies include seeking support groups, engaging in self-care, and taking life one day or minute at a time.  Reddit +4"

This morning, I do not seem to care about myself at all. Unmotivated. I force myself not to think of lovers and sex, of travels and dreams, and I barely force myself to play guitar and sing old songs. Thinking about doing some simple artwork, like sketching faces, as a challenge. Life's experience has taught me that it will go on unless I am met with a sudden death.

Can there be a new woman to love and love me? Right now, (this morning), I doubt it with no reason to think otherwise.

My whole being is like a jigsaw puzzle, especially my heart. I live one second, one minute, one hour, one day at a time, looking for one missing piece.

I am Neither Human Nor Machine, but in the right situation, I entertain. I can play guitar and sing songs for you and your friends. Or, I can tell stories and anecdotes to your heart's content. Just feed me and give me water or coffee (I do like half-and-half). I can plant a garden for you and keep it watered, weeded, and fed. When the time comes, I can bring in flowers and produce. I can escort you and drive you to where you want to go. I am low maintenance (still, despite having many miles on my body). I like animals, and most of them like me. How long I will last may depend on you, but nothing lasts forever, and my being and parts will rejoin the cosmos one day as I will vanish in a puff of dust. images all pixabay dot com.

A way older people can have a safe and affordable life:

"Two single adults receiving Social Security can live together in PA without losing benefits, provided they maintain separate financial responsibility for their housing costs. For Supplemental Security Income (SSI) recipients, paying a fair share of rent and food is crucial to avoid "in-kind support" reductions.  Social Security Administration (.gov) +2"

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