The Culture that has been here all the time

Hello Friends,

If my wife were not suffering from a brain disease this is how a typical day might go:

Up in the morning first I feed the dogs and cat and get the dog out for a walk. I get stuff ready to make breakfast for her and me. Two eggs each turkey sausage hash browns cranberry juice. Coffee for me and tea for her. I put the news and weather on for a little while. Since neither of us works, we plan a ride through the country and have lunch at an inviting place. 

Afterward, we stopped by some shops for miscellaneous items and then to the supermarket for groceries. We get home unload our items and it is growing dark so I put on some lamps check the temperature in the house and make adjustments. I make supper this time pasta with tomato sauce, then feed the cat and dogs. Walk the dogs. When I got back I saw my wife had done the dishes and dressed in more comfortable clothes.

I check the emails and the mail sort out the bills for the next day and look at the television listings. We both like mysteries, especially from the UK so we decided to watch an ITV series Agatha Christie's Poirot episode, and sit together on the couch close to each other and at some point we dozed off so we shut the lights and the TV and go up to bed.

Hello Friends,

A friend of mine (Pierce Pettis) wrote a song with these lyrics:

Here's how life seems to me
Life is just therapy
Real expensive with
No guarantees
So I lie here on the couch
With my heart hangin' out
Frozen solid with fear
Like a rock in the ground

No guarantees. It can be frightening for sure. Yet I don't want a life that is all figured out with no room for serendipity, no room to learn from mistakes, and I do not want a romantic/sexual partner to be static unchanging, and unengaging. If love is an action word the romantic/sexual partner should be full of life learning, sharing, and teaching as well. 

The spirit of a Dom and the spirit of a Sub is not "Frozen solid . . .  like a rock in the ground." Each can respond to the other and become better at the role that they find themself in. How they arrived at their respective position is another story 

Hello Friends

I can learn and change and have demonstrated that in my life many times: I quit smoking, ten years completely sober as an alcoholic, objected to war but served our country, entered technical schools to alter course, went back to school, and won a full scholarship to Princeton (I turned it down because at 26 and married becoming a freshman and living on campus was not for me). was not religious but then embraced religion for 40 years (intensely religious) and now because of the disaster of my wife's early onset Alzheimer's, attempting to emerge out of the darkness adapted for a new life reinvented.

This new start emphasizes my artistic side and diminishes my technological past. I am determined that if this is to be the last phase of a long life, it will be filled with love and beauty. The cornerstone will be friendship. If I am to function in this new place with new horizons I need not only to adapt but to find a companion who will understand where I am, why I am, and where I am going, and willing to become a fellow traveler sharing and creating this journey together.

Hello Friends,

I few posts back I wrote about an open relationship and Polyamorous possibilities for me. That was altogether wrong. Those of you who questioned whether I and my wife could agree to have an open relationship were correct: She is not cognisant of what that means and if she is asked if she is married to me, she says, "No." Her mind is totally or nearly totally compromised. To have a truly polyamorous relationship she would need to be in total agreement and an active partner. So I was completely wrong about this.

It has been a year since I set out to find a lover or even a friend to partially fulfill what my wife is incapable of doing: Being a Partner and a lover.

I failed miserably. In actuality, it cost me a great deal financially because I believed several scammers were going to become the FWB I sought. I was recruited by a Dominatrix to be trained as a Master Dom and that has had dubious results. Allegedly I have two girls provided by her to help me take care of my home and me but that has not materialized. Circumstances according to her have led to delays in getting them here to help me. But all was not lost.

I learned in retrospect that my wife (who is impaired) of 39 years is a submissive woman and I was wrong to give her too much freedom because she interpreted that as my lack of loving her. So the Dominatrix introduced me to aspects of my past that were there and I didn't recognize them. 

So I now know what M/S is in BDSM means and I am making adjustments in my life accordingly. I will not replace my wife (or end my caregiving for her as long as she is alive) that is impossible. When I meet the submissive woman who can fill the voids in my life I will know it, and plan to work on a relationship with her accordingly.

Hello Friends,

The Young Woman Who Lives Across the Street made my day. As I walked my dogs she was leaving for work and she waved to me.

Hello Friends,

How long do you want a relationship to last? We all have told a significant other, "I will love you forever." Is forever like infinity? Is always the same as forever?¹

^{From Google: “always” means “everyday”, when someone says “I always do the same thing”, it's not sure that the person will never change habit. But “forever” means “permanently” and “the rest of life”, it's sure that it will never never change.}

 Our wedding song was  Always and Forever and I am living up to that promise as well as any human can taking care of her through her serious illness. How about you? Is your goal to find a significant other and make that promise? I had three times and two of those times didn't make it.

I have been asked how I lasted for 39 years in a monogamous relationship. It wasn't easy for me and I think my wife seems to have been the one who was more steadfast than I lasted nevertheless.

OK. Intentions are one thing putting it into practice is a whole new challenge. I read a comment here on The Cage that people intend on long-term monogamy. It is my experience that it begins with a truthful exchange between lovers and an agreement between both. Life is full of challenges some anticipated others unexpected can you imagine yourself dealing with some potential challenges? If forgiveness comes into play can you also forget? Delivering bad news is something we do not cherish is there a way to deal with that situation ahead of time to avoid conflict?

Love can cover "a multitude of sins" paraphrased from the Bible. I always tell you and others that love is an action word not only an emotion.

^{1"Always and Forever" is an R&B song written by Rod Temperton and produced by Barry Blue. It was first recorded by the British-based multinational funk-disco band Heatwave in 1976.}

Hello Friends,

I have struggled with the hole in my life that was left by my wife who is unable to be a normal wife or even a normal woman. Maybe I should consider asking a woman to be a friend, not a companion, not a lover just a woman to share things and receive a feminine point of view. Even during my married life, I had women friends who provided that element in my life. Maybe it is because I was raised by my mother and grandmother(s) that I had become accustomed to a woman's view in life. I played some football and baseball and was a good soldier so I do not deny my masculinity. Was married three times have two children and married for 39 years to my current wife.

I had worked with several women as peers on the job and as some as my superiors, and got along without prejudice. I may be in touch with some female things I sewed, cooked, was a single parent, did laundry, and cleaned house all the things women did typically in my parents' generation. So maybe I have enough in common with a woman to maintain a platonic relationship and I may miss this aspect; The aspect missing because of my wife's illness and why I feel this need that hitherto I didn't recognize.

Hello Friends,

I can not understand why for every sub-woman who contacts me I have ten dom women flood me with messages. They almost have me thinking about trying to become a switch especially if they tell me they are a switch. Maybe I need to be disciplined for a time I was spoiled and thinking as a  Dom is all I can be. 

There could be some trickery here though; All the Dom Women look too sexy like sexy perfect photogenic. It could just be a different kind of trap that I haven't encountered before.

Who knows? Somebody probably knows like my teacher and she tells me they are all scammers. With my luck, she probably is right.

There goes I into another foggy mist of life (LOL) ignorant and foolish.

Hello Friends,

Just another aftermath of online disappointments. Don't get me wrong having an online connection is a lifesaver for me: buy food and essentials, pay bills, schedule appointments, keep in touch with family and true friends (what are they?) and I have worked with my music and songs for decades online now. Still? I have had extreme disappointments, taken advantage of and deceived which has cost me many thousands of dollars.

Most of you know I have been at least 90% confined to my home in order to care for my wife with Alzheimer's/Dementia/Aphasia without a social life having moved to Boyertown, PA almost by accident. and I after 2 years in Pennsylvania am a stranger in a strange land. It is a lovely strange land: great town, great countryside and affordable with nice people. OK, I know some of you do not approve of me searching for a woman companion to fill some of the void my wife has left me with and there lies the rub: I can not date, and if I could I don't drink alcohol and senior centers don't work because it costs me $40/hour for someone to watch my wife who can not be left alone.

My Children and stepchildren do not help or visit. Fortunately, my stepdaughter has provided us with a grandson who recently returned from living in California: Wow a relative who visits us, and after a little while my wife either knows who he is (she doesn't think we are married BTW) or likes him and enjoys his company. He can be helpful and wants to learn guitar but one thing I still miss immensely is a woman friend to interact with in the most basic ways.

I am aging and don't feel at 76 even though still full of life I have many good years ahead (especially as caregiving continues to take its toll). My wife and I used to spend time taking rides and going to restaurants for a meal: Getting her to sit and eat is an ordeal for every meal our dogs follow her as she drops food. We cannot share a TV program, a book a movie, or a trip to a museum (there is one right behind our home and others in this town). So what falsehoods am I referring to?

The many lady friends I supposedly met online never join me for an activity instead, take as much money as I am foolish enough to give them in advance. No interaction with a feminine touch for me which is something I have always had for more than half a century. Yes, I complained about not having sex for three years but while that is part of a normal life, the emotional void is the most profound emptiness in my life.

Hello Friends,

"When You Say Nothing at All" is a country song written by Paul Overstreet and Don Schlitz. 

In times of trouble sometimes we don't know what to say or if we should say anything. This song is helpful because it alerts you to the possibility that maybe just being with someone is enough. Like Job in the Bible friends that just came to visit were important. Sometimes there just aren't the right words for the occasion. Lovers disagree and hurt each other and then they try to undo the damage only to make it worse.

I hold my wife when she cries because with aphasia she can not say why. Once in a while I figured it out two days ago she was holding a baby doll (dementia sufferers benefit from dolls sometimes). I managed to learn it was she missed holding a real baby. Most of the time I just hold her and keep quiet or say I love you and I will take care of you; Sometimes that is enough.

If your significant other is troubled maybe you can not fix it. Maybe it is enough to be there hold them and say little or nothing at all.

That is Love in action.