The Culture that has been here all the time

Hello Friends,

After more than a year of searching for a friend with benefits, I suddenly have two possible candidates and one sub from Europe who fits my favorites list extremely well physically (Pure natural blonde like my wife). The physical is a lusty perk but by no means an end all to who I would choose to be a personal sub or a pet (just thought I might think about what it would mean to have a sub as a pet). Why is it hard to believe?

The track record on such occasions has not gone well for me. Could be just more teasing or fooling. Something I need like "a hole in my head that I wasn't born with". Some are arousing but only one seems to be pure eye candy. 

What do I expect when I wake up tomorrow? They are no longer there to chat. 

And so it goes on and on like that.

Hello Friends,

If you connect to a potential lover but it isn't an exact match and it would require too much compromising: let them go. It may be admirable to say I will accept you and secretly hope both of you can make adjustments but that is a risk I tried to take and only wound up with a broken heart. You may think it will click or it won't, there is chemistry or there is none but with so many millions of people, I believe there are better connections to be had. Finding that person is a challenge indeed. I just came close this morning but it ended abruptly when she told me she graduated from the local High School and knew many people in this town. She is married to someone who offers absolutely no sex and that is like my situation. At first it seemed perfect until the local person's reality popped up. I had to end the possible lover relationship immediately.

No, I will not push, persuade, or coerce her it is something she is not comfortable with and I can not overcome that point. It is best to just let her go. The irony? Her recent long-term lover of 15 years was exactly in the same situation as I am with my wife. But then his wife died and that changed everything for them. 

I discovered the predicament I am in is therefore not unique. That somehow doesn't solve my hunger for a lover though does it?

Hello Friends,

My mom used to say it is just as easy to love a rich person, as it is to love a poor person.  She also would say we should not expect to change a person once we are in a relationship with them. It may be hard but I was able to change in major ways and for my wife I changed in three ways: I quit smoking, I stopped drinking (it was destroying me anyway) and I learned how to be her caregiver (at great personal expense to me).

So in BDSM M/S why couldn't we ask a person who is potentially one we can get involved with? It would start with whether they were interested in learning why you are in it. How does that work for you and what would the potential role be for them (in such a relationship)? No riskier than searching blindly hoping for the best. 

Then there could be some reason to compromise and get what is most important. My first two wives were not the kind of lovers I have come to cherish but that wasn't why we didn't last. I only realized my preferences with a great lover about 45 years ago. Then when I  met and married my wife who was a perfect sub (I didn't realize that until recently; more so since her brain disease robbed her of who she was)

The future? I will find love again it is my destiny and I am sure od that.

Friends,

Do you think it is harder for a Dom to find a Sub or a Sub to find a Dom?

How does Switch come into play? Can two Switches work out well?

Hello Friends,

For most of my life, I derived joy from gardens and plants. My Polish grandmother (Babci) introduced me to gardening both vegetables and flowers. She also had chickens rabbits and geese. Featherbeds in winter were fabulous in unheated bedrooms. When I stayed with her in winter I would sneak a crystal radio set up in the bedroom and listen with an earphone. Sometimes a talk show would scare me like when they were talking about how people can vanish without a trace. Back to the garden.

I loved the spring when the soil was tilled and the first plants would begin to emerge. The bulbs we planted in fall like onions and daffodils were among the first though crocus would start even when there was still snow on the ground. Then I would help her with seed planting and that lasted all the way up until about mid-June (fall plantings could start in summer too).

The lesson for me? Whatever grew last year can grow again and it is a metaphor for me now. I plant my seeds of friendship and keep my eyes open for the seedlings that may be the beginning of a new friendship. I wish I could plant a seed and have my wife grow and bloom once more; not on this planet at this time. I'm not sure a clone would be the same anyway: I doubt it.

So now that the seed catalogs are arriving in the mail I will see if the are seeds available for growing a companion.

Hello Friends,

My mood swings are under control now that doctors identified that I was bipolar under new guidelines: I knew it for a long time. Up everyone loves you and you are a great achiever down suddenly they say too bad you are depressed. Anti-depressants helped with the blues but not the ups. I am a creative person and most people just said,' "He's one of those creative types; A temperamental artist musician." That much was true I achieved a lot in arts and science but the downside is keeping it going. Short projects like poetry, songs, and paintings first well with moodiness but I have many longer works (manuscripts) left unfinished. Relationships? My wife was a doll she understood me like no one else. Alas, that was before her brain disease, and now the only thing of her for me that remains? A hug, a kiss, and a laugh when I am joking (sometimes at my corny sense of humor).

Will I ever find someone to love me like that again? Probably not. I still can hope but the odds are not in my favor I fear.

Hello Friends,

We were married in 1985 we both were previously married, me twice she once we both had a daughter and a son. She rescued me from single parenthood and I rescued her from single parenthood. I asked her to quit her job and stay with the home and children. That was the main pattern for ten years. After rough financial situations (I was laid off 3 times) and a chapter 13 to save our house she began a part-time job. We were Christians.

The first thing she said to me about our sex life? My body is yours and yours is mine. what we do in our bedroom is our business and what we do is whatever we like as long as no one gets hurt. It was from that point she taught me more than I could teach her. 

Now? She isn't interested in sex. Too bad I have gained much information that could have made her happy.

Too many drills and no actual sex has made me dull and sometimes I just feel angry. I get over it quickly as a caregiver I can not be angry it isn't a good thing. 

Lyrics always fill my head some are my own some come from other songwriters: Like poetry, they speak louder than the words themselves.

"It takes a worried man to sing a worried son . . . ." Worried Man Blues Song by the Carter Family 1930 during "The Great Depression".¹
 

1 from People Ask What is the story behind the song Worried Man Blues? 
 
"Worried Man Blues" is an American folk song that folklorists generally believe originated with African American singers. The lyrics describe the experiences of someone who is arrested for unspecified reasons and sentenced to work on a chain gang.

Hello Friends,

My brother and I share a trait that causes us to laugh at ourselves: As we are eating a meal we begin to plan what our next meal would be (LOL).

The real inspiration for this entry however is we humans seem to relish something to look forward to. We always hope that the results are up to our expectations. We can't wait for things like graduation, a party, a vacation, a trip perhaps a new relationship. I always looked forward to making love (sex) and it usually was good, sometimes fair or disappointing, or even great. If variety is "the spice of life" in this case I prefer the quality to be on the upper end of the positive scale. Sex is more than the fulfillment of lust, the desire to procreate or experience pleasure.

Sex is part of a natural process and function that is related to good physical and mental health. Lovemaking emphasizes emotional health also.

I can do without this only for so long then things begin to happen to me: First I grow anxious then irritable then angry. If I use my brain to rationalize my situation I come to terms with the absence of all the above and adapt so I do not drive myself crazy. I hope it isn't too late.

Hello Friends,

Hitherto I focused on Dom and Sub (and of course Switch) but then this question popped into my mind:

 from a Quora Sean Sanders post

BDSM educator and 24/7 practitioner of the lifestyle  · 4y

Do all people fall into the category of either a submissive or a dominant?

Nope.

Some people are dominant. Some people are submissive. Some are D/s switches (meaning they switch back and forth between dominant and submissive roles).

And there are people, even within the BDSM community, that are neither dominant nor submissive.

Then I wondered are there degrees of each? (probably my guess) Something like a scale of 1-10 could be used for example. Yet, humans are not static and they are always evolving and adapting so what applies today to you may not apply in the future.

The Cage Check List is very useful: 

https://thecage.co/magazine,150.html

Hello Friends,

I thank all of you who have read my blog and in good faith posted comments: All were very helpful. decadentEssence in Scotland UK, offered the most selfless comment: She told me if she was closer she would help with my wife's care as a friend. Something lacking here in the USA. 

The intense caregiving I perform for my wife with Alzheimer's/Dementia/Aphasia has had a severe negative effect on me and especially my social life: There isn't any. I am committed to caring for her until the end: "'till death due us part". 

Seeking a friend (woman friend) has been an expensive and futile effort from which I have learned many bitter lessons. In several situations when I expected a woman to just visit me and they did not, I was relieved because though my wife offered zero intimacy I still felt like I was betraying her.

I arrived here in The Cage because I was convinced a sub woman could become a personal companion by a Woman Dom. The definition of companion varied widely in my search. I explained that I had learned that my wife who is ill was a perfect sub in retrospect and took care of me like no other woman in my life (another reason not to abandon her). I did not understand that until I was introduced to the Dom/Sub Subculture.

As a man in the USA (maybe elsewhere) I was taught to have integrity, honor my commitments, and let my yes mean yes and my no mean no: What does this mean to me now? "Suck it up" and live the life I have been given. I chose to care for my wife and I should be mature enough to accept every consequence that is the result of that decision.

I will pick myself up, dust myself off, and start once again: Hold myself to that high standard (try harder to the best of my ability).