Hello Friends,
I took a nap after cutting the lawn in the back, and when I woke, I remembered that life was filled with used to be in great numbers.
Each school year, we used to anticipate the coming of summer vacation.
We used to anticipate graduation.
I used to wait for deployment in the U.S. Army, knowing I would see a place I had never been.
As a performer, I looked forward to gigs on Friday and Saturday nights.
I longed for time with a lover.
We looked eagerly for our regular vacation in New England or some other mountains.
The Jersey Shore was our lifelong home or home away from home (depending on where we lived).
TV shows or movies added in a little variety.
Now, it seems almost entirely what I love or like is a "used to be." Yes, I struggled with depression for decades now. On stage, I could hide it. At work, I hid it pretty well. My wife and family knew me, but it was how they saw me (my norm). In Church, I hid it well. To all my doctors, I could present my best Academy Award performance acting normally (until my wife's Dementia illness tested me). All the world is one big cinema* to me, and I am the film's star.
Now? I accept my "used to be game" has been replaced with my "never will be or will never be again game."
The most haunting never will be? I doubt I will ever experience "true love again and an exceptional sexual relationship with a special love that goes with it."
Special update: It is ok to be depressed. Many famous people live or have lived out their lives being depressed. Some undoubtedly found a significant other to be understanding, tolerant, and forgiving in their relationship. I feel most at home with myself, with some level of depression affecting me: That is the real me, after all.
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