Jackdaws In Flight

I go through most days feeling nothing, just a blank, desperate, nothing.  Like a wall of darkness has swallowed my every light.  Someone I respect described it as feeling Hollow, and that is about as apt a description as I can imagine right now. 

Other days, I feel nothing but overwhelming overthinking, the depression that crawls through every thought.  The desperation of a hunger unsated. 

Most days, I just go from moment to moment, surviving.  Nothing more, nothing less.  Not living, just... surviving.  Going through the motions.  Pretending to laugh, pretending to feel something, anything, just to survive.

But today is not one of these days

Today, every emotion, every thought, just about everything is RAW.  Like when you touch something hot, and the burn has JUST started to really ache.  Like chilli or salt in a wound.  A papercut to the soul that just refuses to stop screaming at the top of its lungs.  Like the feeling you get when you run your knuckle over a cheese grater and it skins it to the nerves, only all over, all at once.  Everything is sharper, louder, deafening.

Today Really Smarts

But, just as I feel the darkness and pain crowding around me, inside me, I can also feel the light.  I can feel the happiness within me far stronger today than normal.  I see beauty, I see the sky above, I see the animals playing, I see the light of life filling every aspect of the world around me.

I see hope

I must put into words the things that normally I would hide deep beneath a cold, unbreakable, uncompromising, and thick layer of mental ice.  I cannot hide them any more than the sun can turn off it's light for a moment.  To do so, would mean an end.  And so, I apologise unreservedly, but today, I need to put voice to this feeling.

Now and forever

Thank you for existing.

Thank you for your friendship.

Thank you for being my light in the darkness.

Thank you for the love we have shared.

Thank you for the love we will share.

Thank you for the silliness.

Thank you for the deep thoughts.

Thank you for the conversations.

Thank you for the smiles.

Thank you for those quiet moments where all else melts away.

Thank you for the hugs, the kisses, the laughs and the cries.

Thank you for the heat of your soul.

Thank you for your pain.

Thank you for your healing.

Thank you for the comforting.

Thank you for understanding.

Thank you for your patience.

Thank you for your passion.

Thank you for your hope.

Thank you for trusting me to see who you are behind your masks.

Thank you for accepting me for who I am, despite my many failings.

Thank you for being there.

Thank you for trusting me with your truths.

Thank you for seeing me.

Thank you for sharing in who you are.

Thank you for always reaching out even when all you want to do is hide.

Thank you for everything you do big or small.

Thank you for the dreams you have shared with me, and for the dreams you give me.

Thank you for showing me there is more than the pit I fall into.

Thank you for the future yet to be determined.

But most importantly: Thank you for being you.

I only hope I can bring you just a fraction of the peace you have brought me.  I will always keep your truths safe in my heart, and I will always be here for you.

Now and forever.

Ok, enough with the feelings, time to make a coffee and get some adulting done.

Peace and love to all, but especially to those I love.  You are my light in the darkness... you are the ones who save me from myself when I cannot.

SONGS FOR THE DAY:  "The Serpents Trail" and "Into The Dark" by Amon Amarth, "Born In Flames" and "Fate Bringer" by In This Moment,  PANDEMONIUM by Infected Rain, and finally "Saorise" by Rotting Christ