The Quivering Strawberry

Three things brought me to the Cage.

As someone in feminist spaces, there are a lot of conversations about whether kink is actually safe for women. Personally, I am not too fond of the type of feminism that believes that women are incapable of making good decisions for themselves. I decided to start reading different opinions on kink but I never fully grasped the nuances of it until I started exploring kink.

The second experience was watching a TikTok video advising women to become Findoms as a way to make quick easy money. I needed quick money, so I started researching what being a findom is about because the video didn't go into details. Also, I have always thought that dominatrixes are the most amazing powerful women but mainstream media doesn't do justice when discussing the nuances of being a dom. We only see male doms torturing women in porn. We only see female dommes doing what might be perceived as "scamming" because people cannot fathom why anyone would pay someone to make them write an essay, to insult them, or to financially blackmail them, especially in a patriarchal world where men are shamed for "submitting" to a woman or women are shamed for providing services to men. The more I researched what being a Findom is about, the more I realized how risky it is, not only for the dominatrix but for the potential sub. I knew that I have no ability to be dominant and I am irresponsible, I decided that I never wanted to put anyone through that.

My first experience with kink was even before I started researching the practice, I was in a vanilla online sexual relationship with a man who expressed an interest in kink but came from a conservative country. I tried to explore kink with him but it left me feeling very unsettled. We were not doing it right and were not taking into account the complexities of a kink relationship and how it needed a lot of care. I downloaded kink-based mods on my Sims game and that piqued my interest in kink even more and my desire to try new things.

It's been over two months since I found the Cage and I cannot believe how much time has flown by. This platform is my very first experience with a proper kink community and I love the articles, forum posts, and discussions that occur here. Though, my journey in the two months has been bumpy.

When I started my account I was completely clueless and I was honest about being clueless. I see discussions about new subs being bombarded with messages from Doms and that was my experience. I met very genuine Doms who gave me advice, but a majority of the Doms that I spoke to took advantage of my clueless position. The experience was so overwhelming that I went off the platform for a while, which was a bad idea for so many reasons. For the first month, my telegram was an even bigger dumpster fire that I don't want to speak about.

I eventually found less overwhelming spaces to read about proper BDSM dynamics but it was still so confusing until I returned to the Cage and started reading the discussions in the forums.

I made so many mistakes in my first week on this platform. I didn't know that you're not supposed to enter a dynamic immediately, that you're supposed to get to know your potential Dom. I didn't know that BDSM dynamics were just as binding as vanilla relationships. I didn't know about vetting or contracts. I didn't know the basis of BDSM such as the 4Cs. I relied on my intuition and what I was being told by the men I was chatting to.

This is exactly why I love reading about BDSM as a concept because the resources out there to ensure safety within a dynamic are empowering. Practising BDSM though is still very risky.

It was something instinctive for me to focus on building friendships, especially with more experienced subs. That is why I returned to the Cage. This week there was a blog post that advised just that, which made me feel so validated. I'm not sure if it was the same blog post but there was a post about a female sub on another platform who was engaged in a degradation kink relationship that was bordering emotional abuse. I relate so much. I have been admiring how mature I feel lately and my ability to discern. However, if I had explored kink in a space in time when I was more vulnerable such as my early 20s, I would have gotten myself into so much trouble. My relationships in my 20s were already quite toxic. From from teenage years, at 17, I was groomed multiple times and was involved in relationships bordering abuse and emotionally abusive relationships. I am so happy that I never even thought of exploring kink during those years.

Every interaction and discussion on this platform could mean the difference between someone feeling shame and not knowing when or where to seek support or someone feeling empowered enough to seek support when feeling confused or unsafe.

On my return to the Cage, my inbox was not better but I was, at least, more equipped to handle it. In my first week back, I had Doms speaking to me under false pretenses of friendship but then attempting to manipulate me into a dynamic that I stated that I didn't want. I had to state that I don't want a dom because I already have a dom for people to leave me alone. I also had someone trying to spark unnecessary drama.

I felt stupid because what was I expecting from a site that is centered around sex, then I remembered that consent was one of the basis of a BDSM connection and I also noticed an emphasis on non-sexual connections and boundaries in the conversations within the forum posts. That empowered me to make more informed decisions on how I conduct myself on this site. I also had to be more aware of how I speak to people that I do not lead anyone on. It's something that I am very open about now, that I am strict with my interactions because I do not want to lead anyone on.

There are still corners of this platform that I find to be not conducive and border shaming others. When we are not having nuanced conversations about human behavior, we risk failing those who are vulnerable.

My experiences are fine for me because I am mature enough to handle them, to see and to learn from my mistakes. However, I think about younger people who enter BDSM spaces and might take a longer time to learn how to be healthy. I think about vulnerable people who may struggle with mental illness, who may have unprocessed trauma, or who may come from a cultural background that makes them vulnerable to abuse. There are so many horror stories out there of people being hurt badly because they engaged with someone who was not practicing properly and they were not able to discern the difference between what is healthy and what is harmful.

People say that the sub holds all the power but does the sub know that they have the power, how to yield that power, or how to safely give that power away? When we take into account that we are all conditioned into patriarchal thinking that takes a long time to unlearn, does a sub really have power? (both men and women can be harmed by patriarchal thinking) 

I don't think anyone, dom or sub, should be shamed for not practicing properly, unless their actions are life-threatening in one way or another, including mental health-wise, or if a person is incapable of being self-reflective, even after advice. I do think that empathy is important because a person may be on a rocky journey. A big factor in steering me in the right direction were Doms who saw that I was a mess, gave me advice, and then left me alone, or the dom who is taking the time to know me. I still had the responsibility of taking the advice that I received and doing better. I pray that I will deal with my future interactions with the same level of empathy that I received (Doms deserve empathy too).

Things are still very confusing for me but at least, I am better at navigating through my confusion.

I think doms, whether male or female, have such a big responsibility to ensure that subs are safe and are learning proper safe practices. This is especially true for the male doms who offer to be a "supportive person that you can come to for advice" to new subs or those who offer to "train" subs. On the other hand, subs also have the responsibility to arm themselves with knowledge. But doms, especially those with experience, should not be taking advantage of a sub's inexperience or naivety. I think online spaces are safe-ish to explore kink but I think about how improper practice in real-life play can mean life or death. If you are not listening to someone telling you no in online spaces, are you going to listen to your sub during real-life play? Also, if subs are not learning the proper practices from doms, what does that mean for their next connections when things don't work out with the first dom?

It's so important that everyone, whether dom or domme or male/female sub have a safe space to have these conversations and seek community support when feeling confused or unsafe but with awareness that your words and actions have an impact. Empathy is important in a space that places people in vulnerable positions such as a kink community because safety is dependent on empathy.

You know when someone complains about people around them but in the short space of time that you spend with said person, you feel what everyone else is talking about? If the person is not listening to the people around them, is it worth pointing out that the criticisms are true?

There are many common beliefs that I never thought I would subscribe to, one being that "If more than one person is telling you the same thing, maybe there is some truth to the feedback". There is so much shame associated with the idea of being flawed, but not all flaws are necessarily bad. I also strongly believe that people deserve empathy but there's a difference between empathy and the savior complex. How does one find a balance and the ability to discern? I have been collecting thoughts on these questions.

A person without self-awareness is exhausting when they constantly place themselves in a position of victimhood. I have never believed in the concept of the perpetual victim before, I have always felt like this concept was dismissive of people's struggles. I still believe that the concept of the perpetual victim is sometimes weaponized against vulnerable people but sometimes pointing it out is warranted.

When you are actively harming people around you or harming yourself with self-destructive tendencies, your behavior should become a cause for concern.

Are you misplacing your anger on people who didn't consent to receive your anger and who have less power than you? Are you taking advantage of your authority over those who are vulnerable?

Are you possibly single because you do not listen to your potential partner and would rather try to manipulate a relationship to your benefit? Are you incapable of taking no for an answer?

Are you constantly stirring unnecessary drama?

Are you really difficult to love or are you a bottomless pit that cannot be satiated with all the attention and love in the world? Are you overwhelming?

Are you an avoidant person who doesn't allow others to get to know you and hence cannot form proper connections?

Are you superficial and measure the respect that people deserve based on your ability to be sexually attracted to them or how they fit societal standards of a "respectable person"?

Are people telling you that there is an elephant in the room that is your harmful behavior and you are adamantly denying that there is an elephant in the room? How do you improve if you are choosing to wear blindfolds of pride? If you choose to close your ears with the fingers of shame? If you block out the advice with words of ignorance?

Obviously, the idea that one is a perpetual victim does not apply to someone who has a marginalized identity and is constantly being discriminated against. Discrimination is a real thing and the struggles of a person being discriminated against are very much valid.

There are many reasons why you may not be getting along with others. You might not be everyone's cup of tea but rather coffee. It is still your responsibility to find out why you are repeating harmful cycles.

There are times when you might find yourself in a space or situation that you do not fit in or may be harmful to you. The pressure from that harmful space may bring out the worst in you. You may feel like a cat in a corner that pounces when feeling threatened. Even though your reactions may be valid, it is still your responsibility to get yourself out of that situation or speak up to seek support. The pressures of society are not worth your sanity.

The best advice that my former therapist has ever given me was to "go where you are celebrated'. This should be common sense but when you are taught that you are worth less, you believe that less is what you deserve. You end up knocking on doors that are shut especially for you and no one gives you the code or you try to learn elaborate rituals to enter certain doors. You won't need to struggle for the right doors to open for you. You shouldn't have to beg people to love and want you.

Self-awareness is still important to help you find the right people to surround yourself with, even when you accept that you aren't everyone's cup of tea. You need to know your needs, to be able to communicate your needs, to help others can accommodate and support you. You need to know what makes you feel loved, to allow people can give you that love. You need to know your vices, so you can reach out for support and help when needed.

I used to constantly feel like a cat in a corner because I stayed in situations that were not healthy for me. I thought I was hopeless and evil until I found people who didn't bring out the worst in me, who listened to me and validated me but could still widen my worldview and tell me when I made a mistake. I felt safe. On the other hand, I still had to do a lot of work to make sure that I was a safe person to be around and was not draining the people around me by being an insatiable bottomless pit begging for love from those who cannot give it to me.

I never thought I would be a person who says "No one will save you but yourself", but I don't mean it in the individualistic tone that is often used. I believe that even when there are saviors, which you will meet many, you still need to know yourself enough to know the issues that you need the most help to fix and what methods work well for you.

If you are in the position of being the support system, you cannot help someone who is unwilling to do the work or is incapable of seeing what they need to change. 

No human can be entirely harmless but a true test of a person's character is not only how they treat the people they like but rather how they treat everyone especially those who are vulnerable, their ability to own up to mistakes then find solutions, and the ability to be self-introspective.

I am turning 30 today and I don't feel like I am where society expects me to be or where I wanted to be and yet for the first time in my life, I am happy to be alive.

A few weeks ago I had a chest infection that left me unable to breathe for a few hours. I had experienced this before. I remember the first time it happened, 5 years ago, I was not listening to my body and hurting myself to make everyone else happy. When my chest started closing up, I was still refusing to listen to my body. My mind convinced me that I was being over-dramatic, weak, or imagining things. I had told myself that maybe I had forgotten how to breathe, that if I didn't hyper-fixate on my body gasping for air then maybe I could be able to breathe again. I was waiting for everyone else to tell me whether I should take it seriously enough to go to the hospital or not. Crazy, I know. On the next day, surprised that I had made it through the night without going to the hospital, I finally decided to go to the doctor.

When it happened again recently, I at least knew what to do and to take it seriously. But there was something cathartic about feeling my body fighting to stay alive through the breaths that it was forcing in. How instinctive it was for me to be conscious of my breathing, instead of whatever I was telling myself a few years ago. That signifies so much growth for me.

My 20s have been such a disappointment,but in these past 6 months, I have been feeling positive about the next stage of my life. 30 feels like something clicked in me. On the other hand, though I have tried my best to unlearn ageism, I also find myself grieving my youth despite it not being over.

These past few years have been a period of me being conscious of my body and her needs. My 20s were a disaster because I was not listening to my intuition unless I hit rock bottom, which constantly got me into trouble. As I enter 30 and not feeling quite like a winner in life, it feels very instinctive that I keep my head above the water to not drown from the weight of society's expectations. 

These past few years have been a period of reflection, where I started rethinking my identity, future, and relationships. I am a very spiritual person, though I tell myself that I am not a religious fanatic. Spirituality forms a big part of my life but it has also taken over my life in an unhealthy way that distorted how I view myself and those around me. My recent awakening is so closely linked to my sexuality, that feels so counter-intuitive when I've spent my life in spaces that have a heavy emphasis on purity culture and I am committed to these spaces. It's a conflict that I have been experiencing my entire life.

I have never really had good sexual experiences because consent has always been murky and I was guilt-ridden in the end. Not even celibacy-based spiritual spaces could save me from coercion and my dangerous impulse to please or the desperation to feel wanted. I realized that I might be demi-sexual. Despite having a high hormone-driven sex drive, I still value connections above the physical act of sex. I've been celibate for 5 years and I don't think that I like the actual act of sex when I do not feel safe or loved, when it feels like a chore or a demand. It was so important for me to get to know my body better. It was so important for me to be able to say "I am most sensitive in this part of my body" or "I don't think I can only have sex for procreation, I still see sex as an important form of bonding between a loving couple."

Being on a journey to figure out what I like during intimacy has been interesting. Exploring my body without physical sex has been the best experience that I have had in my life. In the past 3 years, I have learned that I am on the spectrum and I have a hormonal disorder that makes me either infertile or makes childbirth difficult. These are just two, of the main events, that forced me to start making decisions based on what is best for me. I have known that I don't fit in the world, I just wish that I didn't waste so much of my time trying to fit in. 

Purity culture becomes so entrenched in someone's psyche that one believes that the mere action of speaking about sex is wrong but how do you have a relationship with someone without having a conversation about sex? I found that there is liberation in me realizing the importance of the ability to communicate what I like and do not like, standing firm when I feel uncomfortable, and leaving when my intuition tells me to.

When I first stumbled upon this site two months ago, I was not sure what to expect from the BDSM community and I was such a mess. I didn't take BDSM seriously as a community but my intuition told me that I might actually feel at home here. I was praying that I might get relief from the mental torment that I was putting myself through. I've always wanted to try BDSM and have spoken about it with a long-distance situationship that I had last year but I didn't have the correct information about the community. I am so glad that I can try this in a space where I am empowered with proper information. 

Learning about BDSM as a practice has given me so much life and made me believe in relationships again. I love how communication and consent are emphasized in a way that is not done in vanilla relationship advice. Though I give my power away as a sub, I still feel empowered and safer because there is such a wealth of advice and research online.

In a patriarchal world, vanilla relationships feel like one person is giving all their power with little return and another person is just taking. Whether it is the woman who submits to their partner no matter what and doesn't have her emotional and sexual needs heard and met, or the man who treats the woman who doesn't like him like a Princess, sacrificing himself for her approval and the approval of those around him. There are also so many rules in vanilla relationships that seem to contradict the basis of building a relationship like trust, partnership, and communication. It's so confusing.

Of course, online interactions with people are not the same as getting to know someone in person. My experiences of BDSM have mostly been through the imagination and online conversations as I was deciding whether I would like to make this part of my real-life experience one day.

Through my exploration, I am learning that the BDSM community in its entirety is not perfect. It makes sense. That where people from different walks of life come together, there will be a misrepresentation or misunderstanding of an idea or practice. However, I know from exploring different spaces, from religion to political ideologies like feminism, that just because something is practiced imperfectly doesn't always mean it's bad.

I am glad that my intuition led me here to help me deconstruct some ideas that I was struggling to unlearn.

I am 30 and I am learning to be flirty (lol). I have a string of pearls of wisdom that I hope to add to throughout my journey in life.