TalentedOptimist(dom male){open}

The Belly

The dom with the blog about stuff concerning intellectual capacity, emotional intelligence and general compassion for other human beings.

"A Real Man"... DDLG and Brats

3 years ago. December 18, 2020 at 6:35 PM

Recently received a few angry messages about my tastes for ddlg. One of which started with "A real man does this..."

Normally, I leave the details vague to leave room for conversation and for me to learn from my mistakes. But, I'm pretty dead sure about this one.

I struggle to find a difference between DDLG and pedophilia. Distinctions and arguments can be made, but it's just not for me.

I have two main platforms in my life that force me to see things from different perspectives and levels. My community of friends and my counselor.

What makes people happy is their business. When people try to insult, bully, and nag their way into my life, I do not care for what role they want with me.

That energy is disgusting.

If I split dating and dynamics into 3 reciprocating phases. Today's dating environment focuses on an imaginary bridge between the beginning and the third phase.

Phase 1: Startup. The meeting. The butterflies. The intrigue. Exploring. The hunt. Attracting someone's interest.

Phase 2: The building and maintenance. Setting boundaries, goals, budget, and lifestyle.

Phase 3: Maintenace and Conflict resolution.

I question if this bridge is where people choose to mull over inconsistencies, cheat, lie, pretend to be children, or escape to whenever one or both ends of the spectrum are too much.

To put it in the words of Chen Li, "I would rather dance drunk in Limbo than work in Heaven or burn in hell."

Not my cup of tea.

______

I was speaking with a couple earlier last week and they introduced me to two women (both late 20's with careers) who are re-entering BDSM with a specific focus on DDLG. We spoke over coffee and it went worse than I thought.

"I'm a brat." Was the main defense for disrespectful, mischievous, or ignorant behavior.

Side note: I have helped raise real children. I don't want to date one.

Halfway through the conversation, I realized that I usually conflict with people who enter BDSM with the intent to stop thinking, find an escape from their problems, or to in some way disable a part of themselves. They essentially want to get drunk on BDSM. Also, in this day of digital cocaine, I have seen many subs find ways to microdose on subspace. Leaving huge gaps of time where the dom is not involved. This unnatural extension usually revolved around the sub relinquishing control but not influence.

I will be with someone who is fully aware of what they want, need, and have to offer. From the foundation of roles and dynamics that we build. Not just hope to attain. And they will choose to give that to me on a regular basis. That's real, authentic, and easier to maintain for the long run.

When I was in the Army, video games were a vehicle of fantasies for young men. A vehicle of ideal situations where you can never die, start over from critical mistakes, and feel physical feedback whenever you do something good.

Romantic fantasies seem to be video games for young women. With the roles of the controller, console, and type of game played interchanging. Not my kind of shindig.

___

My mother helped me see another side to this. I have spent years of life on anti-human trafficking task forces. I have seen the glint and gleam that comes into a perverse predator's mind when they see someone new and inexperienced. One thing I hate about Hollywood is that they show most kidnappings happening violently. Coercion is one of the main ways people are victimized. This coercion usually involves meeting people who disable a part of themselves in order to have fun. There is a distinct difference between someone turning off their ability to think, versus a sub choosing to surrender conscious control to the dom.

That entire thought train will not be on these tracks. Just gonna steer clear.

___

So there it is, I don't like ddlg, brats, littles, or any romantic interaction between an adult and child-like mind. I think it's detrimental, uncanny, and inappropriate. But if you, within the confines of the law and with consent, have found someone willing to be vulnerable in this way with you. Good job.

If you're trying to force your opinions into a scheme or aimed hostility at people who don't whole heartedly agree with you. Fuck you.

Jack in the box -
I have not voiced an opinion either way on this particular subject, but I respect your right to voice yours.
Thank you for sharing 👍

3 years ago

Mama Bear JJ(dom female){koa} - As someone who both experienced sexual abuse as a child and is a little/middle, I feel the need to state the obvious when it comes to a common misperception and stereotype when it comes to DDLG. While some may use it that way, and porn does an awesome job of wrongly portraying it that way, there is nothing sexual about it, no child play or incest play. Anything sexual when it comes to the relationship/dynamic of two individuals engaged in those roles is done as the traditional D/s, as adults, even if the role names are still used.

Littles and middles, and the Mommy's/Daddy's who care for them, at least the ones that have a true understanding of what all of those roles are, are merely engaging in or supporting age regression (temporary, not 24/7) which allows those in the little or middle role to heal and grow from past traumas/neglect and/or to help manage mental health disorders or stress, all non-sexual needs. For me it is a combination of both. Age regression is a valid therapeutic technique used by psychologists for such things, it just happens to have found a home in the BDSM community where many submissives have the same needs stated above.

I'm not saying any of this to force my opinion on you or to change your mind. You offered your perspective on what DDLG is, I'm merely offering what my perspective, and those who are engaged in it for the right reasons, is since we have as much right to defend it as you do yours. We also have just as much right to be free from misperceptions and stereotypes as any kink or role in the lifestyle.

3 years ago

TalentedOptimist(dom male){open} - Reading your viewpoint, I acknowledged those who have found a consensual and legal way to practice this kink.
Your first distinction between our posts was for"those who have a true understanding of what all those roles are."
I wanted to be clear about what and whom I'm addressing.

I do not have misperceptions of DDLG, I have a healthy dislike for it. The people, and how they treat me and my opinion, are separate.

My post is personal in nature, more-so born from experience than definitive logic. Now that time and logic have had their turn, I find your definition of this kind of kink more volatile a situation than I would want to be in. Respect to you and the legal/consensual interactions that are working out in a good way.

Moving on to the rest, I am not a psychologist. I'm not attracted to being with, servicing, giving therapy to, or healing a juvenile mind in a kink setting.
Leaving the ddlg out, the aspects that you described....my relationships are not designed to take that much of that many differing types of pressure.

Kink, healing, growing, mental health disorders, and stress that you want addressed in a non-sexual way.......are all separate by their very definition. Kink (being an unconventional sexual interest) combined with someone's deep psychological need to connect in a non-sexual way...while in regressed mindset.
I think it is dangerous to see any kind of kink as a catch all therapeutic technique. Especially if the reasons one needs therapy are causing them to desire to be in a more vulnerable and regressed state of mind.

This is as deep as I'm comfortable to go on this. Thank you for commenting.

3 years ago

Mama Bear JJ(dom female){koa} - No problem. All I can suggest is keeping an open mind. There are a large number of individuals in the lifestyle who view their dynamics as more than just kinks and sex, they are relationships where partners support each other and help each other grow as individuals. And there are a large number of individuals in the lifestyle who have, or want to meet, needs that do not involve kinks and sex, or that involve them indirectly. While all or some of those things may not be your style or interest when it comes to the lifestyle, that doesn't make them bad or wrong unless someone is using them inappropriately or abusively.

3 years ago

Mama Bear JJ(dom female){koa} - Just for the record, and to add to the ongoing discussion/address some assumptions being made ...

I am a middle (an older little) AND a submissive.

I run my own business, have a law and psychology degree. Yes I use age regression in a non-sexual manner to meet my own needs, including helping manage my mental health, but I do so in addition to having a psychologist, taking medication, and other therapeutic techniques. BDSM is not my sole outlet for managing my mental health or my past traumas. My DD is not responsible for managing those things for me, he supports me in doing so for myself as any good Dom should do with their sub.

The DD in DDlg stands for Daddy Dom, as in someone can be both a Daddy for non-sexual things and a Dom for both non-sexual and sexual things, just as I and others can be a little/middle for non-sexual things and still very much be a submissive for both non-sexual and sexual things.

The above two points are responsible use of DDlg, and while there are bad seeds just like there are bad subs, slaves, Dom's and Masters in the lifestyle, that doesn't mean that the majority are not engaging in it responsibly.

Not all littles and middles are brats. I'm not one in any sense of the word. If a D or DD can't consistently give me the attention I need or meet my needs and wants, I don't act out, I walk away find one who is capable of doing those things as a good D or DD should be.

Everyone is different. Everyone has different backgrounds, kinks, and interests. Everyone has different reasons for those needing those things. Everyone has different ways of engaging in those things. No one falling under any role or enjoying any kink or interest should be pigeonholed or judged based on general assumptions, misperceptions, and stereotypes. And agreed, everyone here should be very careful about shaming or judging anyone for any of these things.

3 years ago

MidKnightSun(dom male) - curious...suppose for arguments sake that age regression had legitimate therapeutic applications. So for example, you regress to the point in which someone experienced a childhood trauma. Do you suppose that to perpetually reside in the state or condition (in this case the age, period or mindset(that being "little")) in which the trauma ensued would serve to mitigate the possibility for said individual growth? Do you think under the condition of "therapeutic benefit" this scenario of being a little for many years serves to add to the individuals ability to grow and evolve in a way which is generally beneficial for the people closest to them or discourage the individuals capacity for growth?

3 years ago

Mama Bear JJ(dom female){koa} - For starters age regression isn't a 24/7 thing, I'm sure that applies to everyone lol. How often someone utilizes it, or in the case how often a little or middle uses it is dependent on them. Just likes submissives have their headspace and can fall into it/utilize it when needed or appropriate, littles and middles have theirs. My middle space can go without being accessed for days or weeks if that is what I wanted or needed, and where it is more of a daily thing, it rarely takes up more than 1/4 of my day, probably less honestly.

In my own personal experience, and for many I know that choose to be littles and middles responsibly, it has been very beneficial to them when it comes to overcoming their pasts, dealing with present stressors, and growing as an individual.

As for the past, when individuals experience neglect or abuse, sexual or otherwise, their lives and personalities can change course in both negative and positive ways. Age regression can act as a do over for the negative parts, an opportunity to receive and heal from the nurturing and guidance that wasn't received through someone capable of offering it to them, to finally process and move past neglect, abuse, and trauma, to be able build/learn trust, confidence, healthier relationships, etc. .. things that were damaged.

In the present, a good example from my personal experience would be how age regression helps me handle my social anxiety. If I feel an anxiety or panic attack beginning, I can enter my middle space and shut it down far easier than I can as an adult. My anxiety wasn't as bad then, and I can process what is causing the anxiety from a simpler perspective ... people and places aren't so bad. Another example ... my medication hinders my ability to feel and process things, as an adult I can't cry often, but my middle space can feel, process, and cry easily because those things were simpler then. Handling overwhelming or stressful situations in general works the same way. Stress and mental health disorders can be debilitating for some and reduce their ability to function normally, age regression offers an alternative way to think, process, and react to things that can change that.

Ask and you shall receive lol, hopefully I answered your question ...

3 years ago

MountaintopMaster - While I agree with most everything you've said about wanting to be in a relationship with a responsible adult and not an actual child or an adult who habitually acts like a little child, I think there is a disconnect between the overall logic, the not being able to see a difference between a DDLG dynamic and pedophilia.

FIrst and foremost, I would wager that there are plenty of adults who might have high-powered jobs and who work damn hard at their careers, etc, ...but also enjoy playing out a "brat" fantasy simply because that's how their pleasure center is wired. We always hear the stereotypes about the high-powered executive who turns out to love visiting a Dominatrix and crawling around on all fours pretending to be a pet; why is DDLG any different?

I suppose the difference is that, as you rightfully point out, a lot of "littles" might just be using the persona to avoid getting a good healthy adult grip on their lives. They barely make it from one scene to the next, craving that subspace head rush. So, I agree: I don't want to have to deal with a petulant child 24/7. But, that's just me.

I can ABSOLUTELY see the attraction in it,, though, as a playful kink that you act out during a scene, even on a regular basis. To say that consenting adults acting out a "brat tamer" fantasy leaves you struggling to not see pedophilia is, at best, just your extreme aversion to that particular type of play. Fair enough!

I would also wager, however, than there are plenty of monogamous couples who feel the exact same extreme dislike towards polyamory or ethical non-monogamy, and like your own attitude towards DDLG, they just can't fathom a reason for such a lifestyle as poly beside, well, being greedy and selfish. (Especially if "you can't have other Doms, but I can have other subs" ever comes into the picture, which I do not mean to imply is the case with you; I'm just saying it happens)

So, here's the bottom line: there are plenty of toxic traits that can be found in EVERY kink, in EVERY human personality type, actually.

In fact, the things you seem to be describing as the most holy, have their dark, destructive sides. Many serious, driven, high-powered types get hellbent on dominating the business world, and they leave a wake of destroyed, submissive employees who barely make ends meet because their value is only tied to their abundance as a workforce, not their actual productivity or loyalty. Or, they may treat their employees brutally but pay them decently, and then at home they ignore their family and/or their own personal health. *coughSteveJobscough*

(Again, I'm not saying that's how YOU run a business, I'm just saying it exist in corporate America, and to me it very closely resembles an abusive D/s dynamic, in fact.)

Similarly, many people out there (once again, not pointing fingers!) abuse the poly/ENM title as a way to cheat, avoid their own failures and shortcomings, and generally act like a child, not a responsible adult, when it comes to relationships and communication skills, conflict resolution, etc. Based on reading your other blog posts, I suspect that you sure as hell don't want to be in a poly relationship with those types of people, either!

Thus, I arrive at the same conclusion as you- within the confines of legal and ethical consent, go nuts! Do whatever you want. Just try and be a decently put-together adult, first. If you're a total mess, it doesn't matter what your kink or your dynamic is, you're still a mess, and nobody will want to be with you, or you'll be a "project" for those who do.

TLDR, be an adult, be a decent human being first and foremost, and then add kinks/dynamics, and be careful not to shame any others about their own kinks...

3 years ago

TalentedOptimist(dom male){open} - The meat of your reply takes hypothetical aspects of corporate tyranny to explain that everyone can be an asshole sometimes. But I'm talking specifically about DDLG, the disrespect I received over not accepting and not practicing, plus my viewpoint on seeing too many similarities between DDLG and pedophilia. NOT the average amount of good and evil in everyone's personality.

NO............. Everyone's an asshole. Might as well be cool to fuck people who like to be kids..............NO.

To you sir. I take issue with my personal opinion being placed into a hypothetical spectrum of situations neither of us is in (seen through the lens of Steve Jobs personal tragedies), only to tie off with the fact we are all human. That's bullshit. I do not want this conversation to be abstracted and watered down to the point it can be digested by every palate.

Back to the bricks of DDLG /brats/littles. What people live out in their lives happily and consensually is their business. Bringing into my space and view will get this reaction.
Never used it. Never liked it. Never got a rise from it. and wrong nor will I argue it's tied to am noting the disconnect between that range of kink and my real-life experiences and perspectives.
Without the need for public opinion or further research. I don't agree with DDLG or the idea of people dressing/acting like and then engaging in sexual activities as children or in the mindset of a child. I view DDLG as inappropriate and uncanny. I can give ground for conversations on interactions where fully informed consent and legalities were abided by. But never a nod where I condone, accept, and/or practice.

Kink and dynamics that involve DDLG, brats, and littles are detrimental, uncanny, and inappropriate. I personally feel that way because I can not make clear connections between DDLG and pedophilia.
__
Jumping over to your comment about poly/enm being used as a way to cheat etc etc. I'm going to be clear in saying I'm open to comparing poly and all of its joys and woes to the bridge of human consciousness looking for holes of sunlight in the anthill maze that we know as the struggle. But I'm not comparing or connecting poly to DDLG in the hopes of leaving an even ground of acceptance for the latter.

People out here fuckin kids or asking people to act like kids ...then fucking them. That's wrong to me. That's not shaming. It's the truth.

___

I agree with everyone struggling to be as decent as they can. This just isn't decent to me.

3 years ago

MountaintopMaster - Once again, I find myself understanding and agreeing with most of what you're saying. And to be honest I too hate fluffy hypotheticals that don't really apply to our own real lives. But still, not quite there with you on the conclusion you draw.

Remember this: to the vast majority of people, even "poly done right" between consenting adults is just a pipe dream of a hypothetical, too. They'll say you're kidding yourself, that it will never work in the long run, and that it's an unhealthy, self-sabotaging flaw that real adults should grow out of. You and I know that's not true, but it's a widely held opinion, even by many relationship experts.

We can mention how this is all still apples and oranges because one scenario is legal consenting adults trying to make a progressive lifestyle choice work for them whereas the other scenario remotely resembles a horrible criminal act with children. I get that.

But, I'm just trying to say that your idea that DDLG is "detrimental, uncanny, and inappropriate" may be just as much a failure of open-mindedness as it is a personal preference.

In other words, so you encountered a handful of "littles" whose attitudes nauseated you because of your strong preference for adult behavior especially when it comes to kink, but, that still doesn't allow you to juxtapose calling it "inappropriate/indecent" one moment, and then saying it's not shaming, even though you've already acknowledged that it CAN be a dynamic between two consenting adults just like every other slightly disturbing, "oh, you must have issues if you like THIS" dynamic/kink that we might engage in.

You can say, "to each their own", but it stops carrying weight when you also state that you think someone's kink is truly unhealthy or inappropriate. I could see this whole conversation going differently if it had been from the angle, "it's fine if this is your kink, but remember that we're all consenting adults, so here are some red flags/reasons I want you to think about which might indicate that you really do need to act more like an adult."

3 years ago

OraclePollon(sub female){NotYours} - You seem to have aversions to many types of play these days. Maybe this is part of your journey to find yourself. But it does tend to come across as self righteous and dynamic alienating at times.

3 years ago

TalentedOptimist(dom male){open} - Probably need a stronger word for aversion. It is a part of a journey. A journey that has not and will never involve brats, littles and ddlg.

This is my life and household that I'm talking about. The confidence to stand by my words can be viewed as self righteous. That's fine.

3 years ago

HGB(sub female){Scottish M} - You have the right not to be interested in a particular kink. I hope you would find the true definition of it before making assumptions. As I also would hope game players would stay out of bdsm. Just because that edible, orange colored, seeds inside item might be a orange once you get close and actually look it's a pumpkin.

3 years ago

TalentedOptimist(dom male){open} - 1. Thank you.
2. I found the definition that works best for me. And I stopped there. This is how I see DDLG as a whole. Inappropriate and uncanny.
With consideration for, but still applying to, those who engage legally and consensually.
3. Oranges and pumpkins.
I'm not going to compare the spectrums of emotions, trials and definitions involved with a specific branch of BDSM, that I don't personally agree with, to produce.
Appearances can be deceiving. There seems to be a concern that I view DDLG negatively because I do not know enough about, or have not experienced benefits larger than my critical observations of it.
Uh....no. I'm just not attracted to children. Little girls or little boys.

That is the lynch point for my viewing of this. There is no political, philosophical, or hypothetical argument that is going to convert my viewpoint on the the issues connected to kinks/fetishes/cults of adults wanting to have sex with children and/or people with childlike minds.

3 years ago

HGB(sub female){Scottish M} - And this shows the difference between stupid and ignorant

3 years ago

TalentedOptimist(dom male){open} - Could you tell me specifically how the above equated to the difference between stupid and ignorant.

3 years ago

Mama Bear JJ(dom female){koa} - Ignorance... lacking knowledge, information, or awareness about a particular thing.

Stupidity is a lack of intelligence, ignorance is consciously choosing or forming an opinion with complete disregard for what the the actual truth may be, which was already addressed in my comments. You’ve already been told that DDlg is not sexual in any way for those engaging in it as intended, that sexual aspects of our dynamics are D/S in nature only, but yet you continue to spout hate about us fucking children and being pedophiles.

Just because you have a shoe fetish, that doesn’t mean you fuck shoes. Likewise, just because we engage in age regression, that doesn’t mean we act like children when fucking or that we fuck children.

Those are just your false assumptions based on limited knowledge, information, and awareness.

Making assumptions about people based on who they are, and stereotyping them is what is wrong in this thread ... not those you are making them about.

3 years ago

TalentedOptimist(dom male){open} - This is my personal blog. That I posted after I was personally disrespected by someone from ddlg. During their first message to me.
And now after conversation at length, I can see that the issue is innate, not surmised.
I will not be calling you any names. I'm an adult. I can agree to disagree and move on with my life.

Before I go.....

Following your analogy. Since I'm being called stupid and ignorant. I will just because you have a shoe fetish doesn't mean you fuck shoes.
Since we are talking about ddlg and I'm clearly against it. Are children are the shoes in this analogy? This is the defense?

Just because you have a children fetish, doesn't mean you fuck children.

I'm out. You're right. I'm wrong. Oh my god what was I thinking? Bless your heart.

3 years ago

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TalentedOptimist​(dom male){open}

The Belly

"A Real Man"... DDLG and Brats

TalentedOptimist(dom male){open}