In our community, there’s a phrase I’ve heard recently, “Just because someone says yes doesn’t always mean they truly meant yes.” And I agree, this is absolutely true. There are countless reasons why someone might agree to something they aren't fully comfortable with. These responses are often deeply rooted in trauma, fear of conflict, people pleasing tendencies, guilt, or a sense of obligation.
I've seen it, and I've lived it, those moments where you say "yes" to keep the peace, to avoid disappointing someone, or because you didn’t feel you could say "no." And what happens afterward? Often, it leads to emotional backlash, resentment, self betrayal, shame, withdrawal, or even ghosting. The requestor, who may have had no idea the consent was anything but genuine, can become the scapegoat for feelings the individual hasn’t yet learned to navigate or own.
And this is where things become complicated, and sometimes unfair.
While trauma is never a person’s fault, healing from it is our responsibility. Learning to say "no" when we mean no, to communicate our boundaries clearly, and to take ownership of our own emotional well being, these are critical life skills, especially in consent based, alternative communities like ours.
I’ve seen people weaponize a lack of communication and maturity, calling others consent violators not because actual non consensual harm occurred, but because they themselves never set a limit, asked a question, or expressed uncertainty. This is dangerous, not only because it harms others’ reputations unjustly, but because it slows our own growth. It reinforces a victim mindset where self agency is abandoned in favor of blame.
Is it the responsibility of more experienced partners to foster open dialogue, establish clear expectations, and check in? Yes, absolutely. But are they also human, capable of making mistakes, missing cues, or assuming mutual understanding based on a clear "yes"? Also yes!
We cannot expect others to carry the full burden of consent when we ourselves are not willing, or able, to engage honestly, ask questions, or say “no.” And when someone fails to do that, the answer isn't public condemnation or finger pointing. It is reflection. It is growth. It is therapy. It is education. It is accountability, not just for others, but for ourselves.
If you find yourself consistently saying “yes” when you mean “no,” I encourage you to explore the reasons why. There is no shame in having trauma responses, many of us do. But there is empowerment in choosing to face them, to heal, and to cultivate the boundaries that protect our peace and affirm our autonomy.
Because ultimately, no one else can be the gatekeeper of your consent but you!!!