There’s something I’ve been sitting with for a while now, and today I’m choosing to speak up about it, not because it is easy, but because it matters.
We talk a lot these days about healing, trauma, therapy, and accountability. And honestly? That’s a good thing. It is healthy that we’re having these conversations in public spaces and personal circles alike. But what’s really bothering me, what’s weighing on my chest, is the sheer imbalance I keep seeing in how those conversations are applied across the gender spectrum.
We hold men accountable all the time. Men are told to deconstruct toxic masculinity, go to therapy, learn emotional literacy, stop being emotionally unavailable, and be better communicators. And they should. That work is necessary and vital, not just for women, but for men themselves. But here’s the thing.
Why are we not holding women to the same standard?
Someone said something recently that stuck with me, "Women weren't raised or taught to demand pleasure. So most won't talk about how, let alone ask for it." That’s real. Generations of women were conditioned to be passive, to prioritize others' needs, and to suppress their own desires. That conditioning runs deep. I don’t deny that.
But here’s what I will say. Recognizing that conditioning is not an excuse to sit in it forever.
What gets under my skin is the hypocrisy. Women are often quick to critique men for poor communication, emotional suppression, or lack of empathy, and yes, those criticisms can be valid. But when the mirror is held up and the flaws in our side are exposed, suddenly it is “Don’t blame the victim,” or “You don’t understand my trauma,” or “You’re just silencing women.”
No. I’m holding everyone accountable, myself included.
I’m tired of the blanket blaming of “men this, men that,” when the deeper truth is that a lot of women were also never taught how to advocate for their needs, how to communicate clearly, how to ask for what they want instead of expecting someone to read their minds. And instead of learning, we’re often encouraged to sit in resentment and victimhood, while tossing accusations like confetti.
That’s not empowerment. That’s stagnation.
If we want men to heal from toxic masculinity, then women need to heal from toxic femininity, too. The kind that teaches manipulation over communication, martyrdom over self awareness, and entitlement over partnership.
Healing is not gendered. It is human.
You don’t get a free pass from doing the work just because your wounds came in a prettier package. You don’t get to demand emotional fluency from others while avoiding your own inner work. You don’t get to complain endlessly about the “lack of good men” while refusing to look in the mirror and ask yourself, "Am I showing up as the kind of partner I expect someone else to be?"
It is easy to weaponize trauma. But real healing? Real growth? That takes guts.
I’m not interested in the blame game anymore. I’m interested in solutions, in accountability, and in truth. You can’t change what you don’t own, and you can’t evolve by staying stuck in the same loops of justification. So to anyone, man, woman, or nonbinary, who keeps falling back on “this is just how I was raised,” I ask: Okay… but what are you doing about it now?
If you want different results in your life, your relationships, your joy, you’ve got to do the work. You’ve got to step out of the narrative and write a new one. No more scapegoats. No more excuses. Just real people, doing real healing, with real accountability. Let’s all rise to that.