Not for You, Not for Anyone
This Status on someones profile is what prompted this writingIf she puts restrictions on sex with you, she does not see you as the best option. Women will break all their rules for the one they desire.
There’s a phrase I came across recently that absolutely turned my stomach.
“If she puts restrictions on sex with you, she does not see you as the best option. Women will break all their rules for the one they desire.”
Let me make this crystal clear, this is not just harmful rhetoric. It is dangerous, manipulative, and rooted in predatory thinking.
I have limits and boundaries for a reason. Not to play games. Not to hold power over someone. Not to weed out the “weak.” My boundaries exist because of things that are non negotiable. They may be connected to trauma, to health, to emotional safety, to deeply held beliefs. Some of them, if crossed, will make me physically sick. Some of them will send me spiraling mentally or emotionally. Others are just things I personally find disgusting or incompatible with my sense of self.
And I will not break those limits for anyone. Not for someone I love, admire, desire, or even depend on. Not for someone with a high status in the kink or lifestyle community. Not for a partner. Not for a friend. Not for you.
The implication that real desire means being willing to sacrifice your own safety, your own limits, is abuse in a mask. It encourages people to ignore their instincts, to suppress their trauma responses, and to betray themselves, just to validate someone else's sense of entitlement.
If you ever pressure someone to break their boundaries in order to prove their love or desire for you, you are an abuser. You are a predator. You are not safe. Not in kink. Not in relationships. Not in any community.
"Pressuring someone to remove a hard limit or violate a personal boundary is not negotiation, it is coercion, and in many cases, it crosses the line into sexual assault."
The fact that this statement came from someone who presents themselves as a kink educator, who holds influence and has a large following, is horrifying. We hold people in educational positions to a higher standard because they are meant to protect, to teach ethical dynamics, and to model safe behavior. But this? This is manipulation disguised as wisdom.
It is yet another reminder that just because someone publishes books, creates content, or garners attention doesn’t mean they practice what they preach. It doesn't mean they are safe. It doesn't mean they understand consent.
So here’s my plea to everyone in any community, kink or otherwise. Take everything you read, everything you hear, with a grain of salt. Vet people, observe how they behave when they're not on camera or stage. Ask who’s in their inner circles, and who isn’t anymore. Pay attention to patterns. Because people will show you who they really are if you watch long enough.
And if someone ever tells you that love means bending your own rules, run.
Consent is not love with an asterisk. Boundaries are not obstacles.
And breaking yourself for someone else is not desire, it is self abandonment.
Don’t let anyone romanticize your undoing.