As a Gorean Leather slave girl, I live a life rooted in service, devotion, and the constant pursuit of honoring my Masters. But I am also human, beautifully flawed and perfectly imperfect, and I carry my own unique set of battles.
On most days, my life is filled with joy, contentment, and even moments of overwhelming happiness. I am perfectly capable of taking care of myself, managing my routines, and embracing the simple pleasures of the day. These days are bright and abundant, and they far outnumber the dreary ones. The laughter, the satisfaction of completing my tasks, and the warm pride I feel in my service all keep my spirit light.
But then there are the other days. The days where my CPTSD, DID, and anxiety decide to flare. Sometimes they sneak up on me, sometimes they crash in like a storm. And while I am strong, I also know that my depression, like an uninvited guest, will come and go whenever it pleases. My eating disorder likes to tag along for the ride, turning my mind into a merry go round of chaos.
These are not storms I face alone. My Masters walk beside me, even when my steps slow to a crawl. What I find truly beautiful is that in these moments, I am met not with disappointment, but with grace. I am granted safety when my mind feels unsafe. Mercy when I falter. And, above all, love, understanding, and acceptance.
When my depression grips me so tightly that even rolling out of bed feels impossible, my Masters reach for me. They ask, “What do you need? How can we help you?” On those days, I lean into their guidance, their strength, and their control over my day. It is their structure that keeps me from unraveling completely.
They celebrate the small victories, finishing a meal, taking a shower, brushing my hair, things that might seem simple to others, but on a bad day, feel like mountains. Their praise in those moments lifts me up and makes me feel accomplished, not broken. They never treat me as a failure or a burden.
And slowly, with their patience and my own resilience, I begin to climb out of the black hole. Sometimes I find myself in the sunlight again by the next morning. Sometimes it takes weeks or months. But I always come back. And I always come back stronger.
This life, this dynamic, is not just about protocol and obedience, it is about trust, love, and the deep knowing that I am safe even in my storms. And for me, that is the most precious form of service I can give in return, to keep rising, again and again.