The other day, I came across a piece of writing from about two years ago. My hope is that the people involved have since grown, learned, and changed. But there was one quote that stopped me in my tracks, a statement made at a roundtable discussion.
"We know you’re not an abusive Dominant, because your submissive looks happy!"
I can’t even begin to explain how deeply wrong and disgusting that statement is. Abuse is not a joke. It is not something to brush off or use as a casual punchline in conversation. And it certainly isn’t something you can judge based solely on someone’s smile.
The majority of people who are abused become masters of disguise, covering up bruises with clothing, covering up emotional wounds with a perfect smile. They act as if their relationship is harmonious and safe, because that performance can be the difference between another night of danger or a fragile sense of peace. They hide it out of fear, fear that speaking out will lead to more harm. They hide it out of shame, shame that they “let” it happen, even though abuse is never the victim’s fault.
Now, layer that reality over a TPE (Total Power Exchange) dynamic. In my experience, many submissives allow their Dominants to control their finances. On the surface, that can be a consensual, negotiated power exchange. But if abuse creeps in, it becomes a trap. Without access to their own money, with no support network, and sometimes isolated from friends or family, a submissive can find themselves with no way out.
And yes, I understand, entering into a dynamic is a choice.
But abuse is not a “part of the deal.” Abuse is abuse. It is unacceptable in the Leather community, in BDSM, in kink, and in any relationship anywhere. What shocks me is how many people in our community still believe that if they can’t physically see abuse, if there are no bruises or screaming matches, then it isn’t happening. That belief is dangerous. Those are not the people who should be leading, teaching, or holding power as Dominants.
If you can’t recognize the many forms abuse can take, you have no business holding authority over another human being. At the very least, you should be committed to learning, through education, through trauma informed training, through self reflection, what abuse truly is, how it manifests, and how to spot it. Because not all abuse comes in black and blue. Some of it looks like a smile. Some of it sounds like a calm voice. Some of it wears the mask of “everything’s fine.”
And if you can’t see past the mask, you’re not seeing the truth.