When I first started my journey back in 2003 I was told as a submissive that I was to be obedient no matter what. That a command given was the voice of God and even if I did not like something I had to do it, no matter what it was. This type of behavior went on for much of my time before I was mentored.
When I say I was a little shit in the past. I am not wrong. I have done things I should not have done, one being not getting my way as a submissive so ending the dynamic and calling them that shitty narrative "Fake Dom" bullshit. Yes I was also at one time part of that problem.
The other times I ended dynamics because I just could not fathom doing what they told me to do. I still had not been educated enough about hard limits, soft limits, safewords etc. I always felt like I was the problem and I just could not find a good dominant that would be the right one for me. That wasn't the actual issue.
I was in the thinking pattern that the dominants knew everything. They were in charge and so my education as a submissive should be taught to me by them. That is first off not true. I had a responsibility to educate myself. I did not learn any of this until my mentor Sir Seven.
Still after he taught me that I can say, "No!" and I am allowed limits, and safewords to make sure that I am playing safely both physically and emotionally. I was still finding it hard to even have agency for myself. I did not call my safewords in moments I still should have.
Yet, why did I do this? Even if I knew it was alright to do so? Honestly I sit here and still shake my head to the person I used to be. So many mistakes and times I was so naive and pretty much a doormat. Once that knowledge was processed and I found myself in a dynamic with my master Damon. I still did not call the words right away.
Pride
Guilt
Fear
I was to proud. I did not want to be seen as a fluffy submissive. I wanted to prove I can be super hardcore and do all the things no matter how much it hurt or if I felt sick.
That made me unsafe to play with!!!
I felt so much guilt. Did I not want this? Did I not ask for this? If Damon was willing to take time out to do these things with me and we were both enjoying ourselves, then hell I did not want to be the one to end things and ruin the fun. I did not want him to think or feel as though I wasted his time.
That made me unsafe to play with!!!
I was fearful that if I called my safeword he would walk out the door and never want to play with me again or even be my dominant. I was fearful as well that he would be so angrry with me for doing such.
This made me unsafe to play with!!!
It took me some time with Damon to safeword. I understand today that it was not fair to him to not safeword. He wanted us to have a good time. He wanted us to be safe. He wanted me to explore and truly find what made me happy as a submissive while learning what made him happy as my dominant and sadist. How was I doing that if I was secretly betraying us both?
I know much of why I did these things stems from trauma. How I was always the problem when I did not like something. I recall one time telling a dominant that owned me that I did not like doing a certain thing. He actually left me saying well if I wasn't going to do what he wanted then he was bored with me and would go find someone to do it with.
That was painful and I was worried Damon would be the same way. That is still not an excuse. Abandonment issues, trust issues, past trauma of any sort if not an excuse to hide things from your partner.
So I had to learn. The first step was talking with Damon. I confirmed how I was struggling with using my safewords and the reasons why. He was a bit upset because he felt he violated me and we had to work through all of that. Then we implemented me having to safeword. He would command me verbally...Safeword. So I would. Then he would reassure me that he isn't mad at me. He never pushed me to the point where I had no option but to safeword either.
Then during one scene I safeworded freely. We stopped, put the stuff away and he gave me some aftercare and told me he was proud of me for doing such. Honestly that was the first time I found my voice as a submissive. It was the first time I truly felt safe, loved and cherished.
I am now able to safeword IF I need to. Both of my masters do not get angry with me for it. They are not upset, disappointed, or hurt. I advocate for people to do so now and to never feel guilty for doing it.
Using a safeword does not make you weak. It just means you are human and you have limitations. That does not make you less of a person. It just sets a boundary for play. It makes you safe and fun to play with.
It is a journey and even though there are some people out there who just do not desire to use safewords for their play because of their reasons and that is okay. Safewords are used in my dynamic. It is the one way I can keep myself safe, and also keep my masters safe.
Even my masters have safewords, which they actually use. So I am proud of them.
Still this is my journey as I have said and in my journey I have found agency for myself. I have found beauty in being safe. I have found a deeper meaning in my submission and I have found peace and home where I am with my master.
