2020 - New Year, New You...so that's what the email said from my boss yesterday. I don't like that statement, I don't want to be a new me, just a better me. It was brought to my attention that none of my BDSM relationships (or any relationship) had ever worked out, I decided it was time to do some reflection. It has been about 90 days since my last blog or really any activity on the Cage. I took time and really thought about what is going on with me.
REFLECTION. Boy, it's that the pits. People have called me superwoman for years. I overextend myself but always achieve success. For someone like me, I am compound stress connoisseur. If you are unfamiliar with compound stress, imagine it like this: any piece of stress, whether physical, psychological or emotional, you ignore. I purposefully keep myself in a high stress job and add to my responsibilities outside of work so that I am emotionally unavailable to anyone, including myself. This can be felt in physical ways, my left shoulder and neck always have tight muscles that are never released. I fight constant anxiety attacks. This is because the emotions I refuse to let myself feel, will make me feel them anyways. I suppose nature will always have its way!
DISCONTENTMENT. My marriage has been a source of discontentment for years. I have been married 15 years, 5 of it I was truly unhappy, 10 of it I was miserable, 14 of it I felt I made a mistake. I did what I have been wanting to do for years, I moved out and I'm filing for divorce. Since that has happened, two things have occurred. One, I finally feel free and relieved. I can live my life as I choose and I can make my own decisions. The second thing is, I am an emotional wreck! It never dawned on me he didn't want to be married to me (I always thought it was one sided). All the hurtful things he has done to me and all the hurtful things I have done to him weigh heavily on my mind. This has caused me to become, for lack of a better word, a recluse.
THE RECLUSE. I have found that I am pushing people away. I've always held people at a distance, fearful of abandonment and acceptance. But now, it is unlikely I would share even the mundane parts of my day with anyone. I feel like I am an emotional whirlpool that is harmful to everyone. I find myself burying myself deeper in to my work and my children, thus begins the cycle of compound stress (again). I have people who are constantly asking how I am doing, not because they are concerned about how I am doing, but concerned on progress of the divorce and child support. I avoid the notifications on my phone, I avoid being in settings where I may have to have small talk with people. I am not myself...this is not me.
If we had spoken several months ago, you would have found me super outgoing, friendly and witty (probably came across as bratty). I'm intelligent. I like to challenge my mind. I like to be protected. I love being a baby girl. I love giving my troubles up to my Daddy. I love pleasing my Daddy. I miss subspace. I miss cathartic release. I miss playtime. I miss my titles. I want cuddles and cummies. I want spankings. I want a safe place for all of it. BUT...my fear is that I don't think I am a safe space for a Daddy. I feel like I am too wound up, a powder keg, a juggernaut.
Is it just me? Or do you feel it too?
DISCLAIMER: This is not an invitation to have anyone try to "take me on" or think I'm some sort of pet project.
