All that Jaz

I have the privilidge of knowing and being aquainted with several people who are well versed in BDSM, much more than I am.  I want to be a person who can speak from a position of experiance and knowledge....but I feel so limited.  It seems most of my life my bdsm has been fantasy, and although I am well read, I am not experienced.  There is a project that I am in love with, that involves spreading knowledge of BDSM, etc....I am trying to be worthy of said project.

Hello all....

I haven't written for a long time...I actually didn't realize I still had a subscription...lol.   Ma'am has been home for a few days, we thought she would be able to stay for a bit, but she is leaving Monday afternoon....it sucks, but we are used to it.  She got to play a little bit with one of her Bulls, and maybe she will get some more time before she leaves.  I hate the scene without her participating with me....it never feels the same.

I am in tears, I knew this was coming but it felt like maybe it wouldn't.  Ma'am left for work again today.  She's been home since the end of Feb....that's longer than she has been home since 2013.  I let myself get comfortable in her presence where I was more used to her absence.  I am not greedy...we did a lot while she was here and both of us grew and learned lifestyle wise.  I am dreading the act of going to bed tonight.  Where I had her protection and comfort will be emptiness tonight.  On the plus side, she's only 4.5 hours away this time...it won't be hard to see her. 

I was an impact noob, other than wooden paddles, spoons, and hands.  So, I got what the service top called the Whitman Sampler.  We tried several floggers, canes, hand make striking tools with no name and a dragon's tail or two.  I learned a lot about what I like (thuddy), and where I like it (and don't).  I also learned my back can take a whole lot more than my butt...lol.  It was a very casual setting, as the focus was on learning, not about a "scene".  My Ma'am was there with me watching, and learning as well (gulp).  I was really nervouse all day before hand, but I am really glad I did and can't wait to to continue to learn about myself.

Today is my "special day"...what we call the day I was adopted.  I have always held this day as more important than my birthday, but that is neither here nor there.   I thought I knew what I liked as far as kink goes...and for the most part I do...I LOOOOOOOVE the power exchange, the giving up of myself....that is my my main firecracker.  There are other things that I am finding though. The only reason I am finding out that there are other things that I want to try are because of getting out in the world and interacting with other people in the lifestyle.  Recently, I realized that marking is a major turn on for me....not the play so much, but the end result....I am not sure if it's more humiliation (love it) or being "owned" (also love it)...

I am old...and that makes it scarier and easier at the same time....I wish I hadn't wasted most my life, and I don't give a damn anymore what people think of me....

I apologize for my rambling and excessive use of ellipsis

I have a thing for impact play.  I have never been someone who gets off on pain...but the thought of being marked totally turns me on.   I have wanted to try impact play for a long time.  I am almost certain that it isn't the pain but the mark that turns me on...of course I will know better once I jump in.   I attended a cellpopping class recently, it really appealed to me....you can leave a non permanant tattoo like mark....then again I loooove tattoos .  Me and Ma'am watched an electric scene recently, and it had no appeal to me....pain without a mark...I want to be able to take pics, etc...and show what I endured. does anyone else feel like this?

I feel so lucky to have such a great BDSM community around me.  There is nothing better than feeling the comraderie of everyone in a room, even if you are practically strangers.  Even better is the knowledgeable people that I have met along the way and help to keep expanding my horizons.  I don't know how I got by for so long without my kink community.

So, as I have elluded in other posts, I have been evolving...or maybe just discovering more hidden desires...not sure.   So I have been negotiating my contract with Ma'am (once Mommy, for those following along).  I let it be known that I wanted a deeper submission to her, not just a sexual thing, a true power exchange.  We are still negotiationg, but I will be much more of a service sub now...It's going to take some getting used to, and training.  Ma'am has been teaching me how to cook her favorite meals as a start.  (I hardly cook, unless it involves a grill).  I have also been going room to room cleaning and getting it to Ma'am's standards.  It's not going to be easy, and I don't want it to be. Anyways, if anyone has some hints, or tips for being a better service sub, I would love to hear from you

I have been into BDSM for a long time.  I have been mostly focused on one thing...being submissive.  This has usually meant that I was a bottom in bed, and not much more.  I want to explore, and try new things.  I yearn to try out new things that stretch my boundries.  I am an impact noob, but I want more than anything to try it all out...who knows, maybe I will find what it is that I want, other than straight submission. Don't get me wrong, I am all about submission, my attempts at being a Dom were very unfufilling....I am definitly a bottom, and am happy being so.  So hear is to new experiences and expanding my borders!

so the last five days have been really draining on me.  Late Friday night, after I had gone to bed, my son got depressed about missing his ex boyfriend, and decided to badly cut his arm to show it to his ex. His ex, in turn called the police.  I was awoken by a state trooper shining his flashlight in my eyes.  Long story short...They took him to the local hospital in an ambulance.  The problem being there are no juvenile behavioral health facilities in our county.  He had to wait for a bed to open up in a facility in another county.  That wouldn't have been so bad, however, the room that he was held in from early sat morning, till 7 last night, is only a few steps away from solitary confinement.  So a depressed teenager checks in and they hold him a room, with a bed and two plastic yard furniture chairs.  No one (counselor wise) talked to him after he was admitted.  It was torture going to visit him, as you can hear and see the pain and sadness he was experiencing. It absolutely broke my heart, that I am supposed to be protecting him and taking care of him, and I was helpless.  I spent a lot of time in tears the last few days.  He was finally transferred to a facility last night.  I talked to him today, and he sounds so much better.  I only hope he gets the help he needs, I hate seeing my baby boy in pain. Thanks to Bellona for checking in on me and letting me bitch about all this.