Infernal Affairs

I have two states in which I feel at home and peaceful.

The first, is reading a book in my armchair at home. A cup of tea beside me with maybe a snack and the company of my close family. Peaceful is the watchword. Maybe family are there. I really don't mind if they're not there at all. ;)

Second, a rock/metal pub. A very loud live band are playing. We're probably underground in a cellar or some shit. And I'm rocking out and feeding that wilder, more primal, animalistic and anarchist side of myself. I love the music and similarly metal friends - or at least those into alternative culture. Goth and punk have been big in my life, as well as notable others.

The bit in-between, though? That just bugs the shit out of me. Other than those extremes, life sucks. Would not recommend.

Reading somebody's post ElseWEB, a memory that I'd almost lost was brought back to mind...

I've always been partial to a bit of casual self sabotage, especially within the arena of sex and dating.

At first, I think it was mainly due to not feeling worthy of such a connection with another human being. My self loathing was a potent force from my late teens onward.

So much so, I would even reject advances from women if I felt they were attracted to me "for the wrong reasons". A woman in a nightclub letting on that she found me physically attractive would have me working overtime to gently let her down. I had no confidence in my physical appearance back then. I could vaguely understand someone finding me attractive after a long chat. A conversation that could illustrate to her my intelligence, wit and personal values might conceivably be genuine. But someone seeing me for the first time? No way.

To this day, a compliment about my looks or any particular physical trait is more likely to elicit suspicion from me than anything else. What's the agenda behind the flattery? What're they after?

Years ago, I still remember, a friend of my friends, home from uni, meeting us in the local nightclub. Her friends circle and mine were vaguely connected. I'd seen her chatting with one of my friends or another over a long time, but I'd never really spoken to her one-on-one.

Anyhow, this particular night, somehow, after having chatted with a couple of my friends, she and I shared some words. I don't remember the conversation at all. Those were my days of heaviest drinking, so that is no reflection on her conversational ability. Somehow, though - Gods know how - we ended with a kiss.

I feel i must apologise to her memory, as I can't remember a thing about that night, other than the kiss. She was beautiful. A little under average height and petite. A redhead. Cute freckles and a sexy body - what's not to like? What prompted the kiss, I have no idea. But I remember it still - perhaps a quarter of a century later.

Prompted by that kiss, I met her at her work and walked her to the bus stop for the next few nights. Then, as soon as it started, it was over. Without even a proper date, she went back to uni and I don't recall ever seeing her again.

What might have been? I often wonder. I lay the blame for the failure of that relationship squarely at the feet of my tendency for self sabotage. At the time, i simply couldn't bring myself to accept that she might have found me attractive. My inner critic told me she was just messing with me, that I shouldn't trust the situation. That something was off seemed the only appropriate conclusion.

So, that brief something that never really got to be anything waned and died.

One thing I do still carry from that, though, is a memory I still cherish to this day. She was the first woman to tell me that I was a good kisser.

At the time, I thought that was little more than a thoughtful compliment. As I've got older, gained experience and shed some neuroses, it's come to mean more to me.

For me, being told I'm a good kisser is perhaps the biggest compliment I've ever had - at least, romantically.

Sure, being good at sex, making someone orgasm is a pleasing and rewarding achievement. But people cum whether they like it or not. You do things to their body and their body reacts - the conscious side of their personality has little say in the matter. Their body orgasms and the rest of them is kinda brought along for the ride.

But, with as kiss? Well, that is more interactive and reciprocal. At its best, both kissers are fully invested in the act. Each contributing to the pleasure of the moment. There's no kisser and Kissee. There is just "the kiss".

That's maybe the thing I miss most from my single days. That first kiss with a new person. Looking back, I can't recall a single relationship of any potency or consequence that didn't begin with the perfect moment encapsulated in a kiss.

I consider myself lucky to retain several memories of such perfect moments.  With a variety of different people, many of whom I haven't spoken to in decades.  Many of them include time-bending, breathtaking and heartstopping kisses.

I've come to the realisation that I need a night out.  More specifically a boy's night.  Haven't been in male only company in such a long time.

With the best will in the world, and accepting that I love all my female friends and family, I'm a different person when I'm hanging in bale only company.

And I miss that guy.  It's a side of me that needs to be expressed occasionally.

My curse has always been to be able to see how things will go wrong. But, like Cassandra, people never believe me.

Overdoing the trope, my family has a history of blindness, too.

ElseWeb, there was a conversation around dominants and their voices - specifically what words and phrases gave each sub particular tingles.

I made the point that, in my experience, the words themselves weren't particularly important.  Rather the intent and tone behind the words were, for me, where the actual Dom bit resided.

In fact, I said, there is a temptation for a Dom to use particular vocabulary - big words, if you like - and perhaps an archaic turn of phrase to suggest an intellectual or academic superiority, to season the Dom's authority with the spice of intellectualism.

Yet, often keeping communication simple and direct has greater effect.  At least, that is my experience.

My friend then told me that was a very apt description of the vibe she got from me.  That set us talking.

Then I elaborated - again, all this is purely my opinion and I'm very far from an authority on such things - if you'll pardon the pun.

There's a kinda tell that inexperienced Dom's have - and that is when they feel they have to be strong , dominant and authoritative all the fucking time. 

They're terrified of coming across as fake/weak so they can't back down on anything in any circumstance.  Makes them a real chore to deal with.

We learn to be dominant so that we don't have to be dominant.  Just like we learn to fight so we don't have to fight.  That's cos the less you look like a victim, the less likely you are to be attacked.

With domination, it's slightly different.  We learn to be a Dom, so that everything we do has domination in it.  We don't have to wave our Dom flag and bark orders all the time - cos "the Dom bit" is there inside and is plain as day - for anyone with the eyes to see.

As ever, this is just my experience that has taught me this, YMMV.

I posted this as a comment to someone's opine around loneliness elseweb.  I thought it was worth reposting here.

Loneliness can be a real albatross around your neck. And fixing it isn't as simple as interacting and hanging out with people. All that does is reiterate the fact that you're not quite like everyone else - or rather, you don't seem to quite fit with other people.  Other people are the ones who make you feel ostracised in the first place. Like a single jigsaw piece in the wrong box.

Interacting with other people just highlights how different, how alien you are. You want and value different things - when you actually want anything at all.

Solitude is preferable to the uncomfortable friction that other people provide.  Somehow, that doesn't seem to be the case for others.  So why is it so obviously the case whenever we're foolish enough to strive for company?

What is needed is to find the right people to include in your life. People who are like you on the inside - or, at least, the yin to your Yang.

Of course, finding those people is like looking for a needle in a haystack. Complicated by the fact you have an allergy to that same hay in the first place.

Then again, some people can master loneliness - they can get through being alone without being lonely.  There is strength in that

Soon, I'll be attending Thunorsmoot.  A heathen festival.  Freyjasmoot last year was very enjoyable, but day tickets were all I could manage that time.

This year will involve camping with fellow heathens over a long weekend. 

It will be good to see old friends again.  I can't wait.

Learn to access your inner bastard.

Once you've done that, everything else falls into place much smoother.

Twas brillig, and the slithy toves

      Did gyre and gimble in the wabe:

All mimsy were the borogoves,

      And the mome raths outgrabe.

“Beware the Jabberwock, my son!

      The jaws that bite, the claws that catch!

Beware the Jubjub bird, and shun

      The frumious Bandersnatch!”

He took his vorpal sword in hand;

      Long time the manxome foe he sought—

So rested he by the Tumtum tree

      And stood awhile in thought.

And, as in uffish thought he stood,

      The Jabberwock, with eyes of flame,

Came whiffling through the tulgey wood,

      And burbled as it came!

One, two! One, two! And through and through

      The vorpal blade went snicker-snack!

He left it dead, and with its head

      He went galumphing back.

“And hast thou slain the Jabberwock?

      Come to my arms, my beamish boy!

O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!”

      He chortled in his joy.

’Twas brillig, and the slithy toves

      Did gyre and gimble in the wabe:

All mimsy were the borogoves,

      And the mome raths outgrabe.

Making two possibilities a reality

Predicting the future of things we all know

Fighting off the diseased programming

Of centuries, centuries, centuries, centuries

Science fails to recognize the single most

Potent element of human existence

Letting the reigns go to the unfolding

Is faith, faith, faith, faith

Science has failed our world

Science has failed our Mother Earth

Science fails to recognize the single most

Potent element of human existence

Letting the reigns go to the unfolding

Is faith, faith, faith, faith

Science has failed our world

Science has failed our Mother Earth

Spirit moves through all things

Spirit moves through all things

Spirit moves through all things

Spirit moves through all things

Spirit moves through all things

Spirit moves through all things

Letting the reigns go to the unfolding

Is faith, faith, faith, faith

Letting the reigns go to the unfolding

Is faith, faith, faith, faith

Science has failed our world

Science has failed our Mother Earth

Spirit moves through all things

Spirit moves through all things

Spirit moves through all things

Spirit moves through all things

Spirit moves through all things

Spirit moves through all things

Spirit moves through all things

Spirit moves through all things

Spirit moves through all things

Spirit moves through all things

Spirit moves through all things

Spirit moves through all things

Science has failed our Mother Earth