One size doesn’t fit all

I was surprised. I hadn’t seen him in six months. He had checked in occasionally to see how I was, but I hadn’t been in his presence in six months. Out of the blue, he asked to meet him for dinner. He knew I had a remote controlled anal plug and he asked me to wear it with the plug off until I got to the restaurant and to make sure I had the remote with me. A dress and no panties, his instructions were clear. It would take me forty minutes to get to the restaurant. By the time I got there I was already wet.
I wore a short red dress, with red heels and no panties. The silk clung to my body revealing my curves and the hard work I had put in to become healthy. I felt sexy and desirable. An anal plug was seated in my tight hole and I prayed my juices didn’t flow down my thighs embarrassing me. I lifted my head high and walked up to him. He was waiting by the restaurant entrance. He took in my outfit and a sly grin encompassed his face, his eyes burning holes into me. He held out his hand and I knew what he was asking for. I handed him the remote. “Good Girl” he said with his deep voice that always made me melt for him. He placed a hand on my lower back leading me into the restaurant.
It had been so long since I had seen him and I felt my knees go weak when his mouth came close to my ear and he said to me, “You look stunning this evening.” I smiled and my cheeks reddened as I thanked him for his compliment. The staff led us to a booth and I waited for him to direct me to where he wished me to sit. As the waiter came for our drink orders I suddenly felt a jolt as I felt the plug’s vibration. I jumped slightly at the surprise, but quickly regained my composure. His smirk told me I was in for a fun evening. He decided on our meals and I ordered what he requested. Something I had missed, handing over control of meal and drink choices to him. I smiled as my heart warmed at the memory. It’s been 6 months, since we’d been together, but I still remembered like it was yesterday. We talked about things that were going on in our lives. He mentioned how healthy I looked. I told him I had reached my goal weight but I felt I wanted to be at a lower weight as a cushion so I wouldn’t fret if I had an off week. I was different from when he saw me last. More focused, not stressed, not a life in chaos. Much more peaceful, calmer and more attuned to my self being and worth. I had put in the hard work and it was paying off. I walked through life with more confidence. My peace and joy was no longer tied to how others viewed me. 
When we had been together my life was chaotic. It had been unfair to him to be dealing with a woman whose life was in shambles and her wounds were deep and unhealed. What he saw before him was not the same woman of six months ago. Sitting here now was a woman who knew who she was and what she wanted. 
We laughed together. He gave me a reprieve at dinner by turning the device off while I ate. There was a look in his eyes, like he was waiting for something. Something he would not see, something I had overcome in the six months that we had been apart. The insecure women that would become embarrassed at a drop of a hat. She was gone. He told me to come sit by him. I immediately got up and moved to his side of the table. He stood up and allowed me to slide in. My skirt rode up slightly as I sat and unlike in the past, I did not try to pull it down to cover myself. He laid a hand on my thigh and began to caress me, reaching higher with each stroke. I opened my legs slightly to allow him access. His eyebrows lifted slightly in surprise. He leaned toward me and murmured, “Are you wet for me, my little toy?” I stared at him and said “Yes, Sir. Always”. My eyes did not leave his. “Good”, is all he said as his fingers brushed against my wetness. He hummed in appreciation. He withdrew his fingers and brought them to my lips. I opened my mouth and gently sucked on his fingers. Never once lowering my gaze from his. He smiled and when the waiter returned we declined dessert. He paid the bill and we left the restaurant. I had no expectations, I knew what I wanted but I would not make assumptions and if this ended here I would be satisfied just to have spent a wonderful evening sharing a meal with him. What he didn’t know is that I had put on my nipple jewelry tonight. The long delicate silver chains that draped down from my neck were attached to pearl droplets secured to my nipples, with tassels and a matching chain waistlet. They were all interconnected as one piece. He had been staring at the chains most of the evening seeing how they had disappeared into the V of my neckline. 
He walked me to my car and opened my door. As I turned around to face him, he grabbed my hair and pulled me toward him. His lips met mine and I opened myself to him. Moaning into his mouth as I surrendered myself to him. His kiss deepened, and I felt myself become more aroused from his passion. His mouth found my neck as he pushed open the front of my dress. To reveal that I had no bra but he could clearly see the intricate jewelry. “Aren’t you full of surprises tonight”. I smiled but said nothing. “What do you want?” He asked. “I want you, Sir. Wherever and whenever you want me, however you want me. You control me. You and only you.” He growled and pulled my breast out and brought his mouth down to suckle it. I moaned but did not look away.
He bit down and I whimpered but did not pull away. His hand snaked up my dress and his fingers found my sex wet for him. He groaned and he lifted his head and saw my gaze was
focused solely on him. Nothing else around me mattered, nothing else existed. He told me to unbuckle his pants and I did so without lowering my gaze from his. “On your knees,” he commanded. Without a second thought I dropped to my knees, only looking at him. I focused solely on the front of his pants, nowhere else. He unzipped himself and took out his hard cock. My breath caught in my throat and my pulse increased. But I was perfectly still awaiting his instructions. “Open”. One word that was all and I gladly opened my mouth to receive him. He rubbed his cock along my lips and then gently entered my mouth. I felt such joy at the feeling of him in my mouth. I swiped my tongue around the head of his penis. Delighting at the feeling of his cock jumping in my mouth. He entered farther pushing to the back of my throat and held me there in place. I breathed through my nose and relaxed my throat. Suddenly he pulled out, pulled me up by my hair and pulled me toward him as he kissed me deeply. About that time two people walked by. I had not noticed them, had not heard them as I was so focused on him. He stopped  briefly expecting me to pull away. I didn’t I just melted into him. I moaned into his mouth begging him to continue. As the couple drove away I dropped my hand, hovering but not touching him. I briefly broke our kiss, looking at him I asked permission to touch him. He smiled and said “You may”. I gently wrapped my hand around his rigid girth swirling my thumb over his precum. My pussy clenched wanting so badly to feel him inside me. He suddenly turned me toward my vehicle bending me over the drivers seat, pulling my dress up over my hips. “No panties, good girl”. Then I felt the smack and bucked forward, the next swat on the other cheek made my pussy gush. “Such a pain slut aren’t you? Spread your legs.” I did as he commanded and felt his cock at my entrance. He slammed into my pussy hard. It had been so long and I had to hold in my scream. “Who’s pussy is this?” He questioned. “Yours Sir.” “Are you my whore?”. “I am your whore Sir.” He pumped harder and faster. I felt full. The plug in my ass vibrating and him pounding my pussy I was moaning and begging for release. I could feel his cock begin to swell and he grunted for me to cum. I felt my pussy clench around him as he emptied himself inside of me. My orgasm pulsing around him, I heard his moan of satisfaction. He lay over me for a bit before he pulled away and I could feel our combined essence dripping down my thighs. I did not move or clean myself. I simply waited for his instructions. He turned me and commanded me to clean him with my tongue. I immediately dropped to my knees and licked his penis and balls clean with my tongue. Not once looking around. Solely focused on him. When I was finished. I continued to kneel until he lifted my chin and signaled for me to stand. He looked at me and I just looked back at him waiting for his next words. Not allowing myself to hope. He just stared for a bit more, before his next words caught me off guard. “You will follow me to the house. I will open my door and you will go in. Remove the anal plug and shower. You will then dry off and kneel on the rug next to my bed in a submissive pose. Do you understand?”
“Yes Sir.” No other words were necessary. I knew the commute to his house was about 25 minutes. I was not going to overthink this. I would not get my hopes up. I would simply cherish any time I had with him. I followed him. Having forgotten what a speed demon he was, I found it difficult to keep up. When we finally pulled in his driveway I felt butterflies in my tummy. I was anxious and maybe a little scared. I did not know what to expect and I would walk into this with no expectations and with the knowledge that I was not in control. I was there at his command. My deepest desire was to submit to his will and his control. With that knowledge I opened my car door and felt a sense of calm and peace come over me as I willingly walked toward him and gave myself over to him completely.

How do you separate what is in your heart, with what is your current reality? Especially, when being so new to the lifestyle non-monogamy, poly and sharing were never in your vocabulary. 
How do you wrap your head around that your relationship with someone is not impacted by their  choice to be with someone else? How is that subject even discussed?
Can anyone give me some insight on this topic?

I am broken. I am tired of acting like everything is okay. When every single day I lose another piece of myself. My mind becoming more numb. I wake up every morning forcing myself to face another day alone. Telling myself things will get better. I am tired, lost, but hide everything I feel. Staying strong for everyone else, but no one is strong for me. No one is there when the flashbacks and the nightmares have me screaming into the darkness and huddling in a corner begging the memories to leave me alone. People only see the mask. The calm, the smiling, the pretending everything is okay. No one sees the war going on inside me. The panic and anxiety, from a night of being in terror. Holding myself as I rock myself to exhaustion, only to get up a couple hours later to work. I still show up like nothing is wrong. Because no one else will. I gave everything to people who never really cared. And now I trust so few people. It is hard to give, when you are desensitized. I learned over and over again that caring too much fractures you in ways than aren’t repairable. I am broken, but I still move forward. Why? What else am I going to do? If I give up, if I stop, then what was the point of my life? Because deep inside I still hope, I still dream that someday, someone will choose me, love me, cherish the gifts I have to offer. 

I long for his control, his dominance. My body hums remembering his touch and the taste of his cum. 
Sitting at home alone on a Friday night horny as hell. I need to masturbate so badly. But that is one thing I will absolutely not do without his permission. I asked, I didn’t get a response, but I will never “assume” that he is okay with touching his pussy without his permission. I had a fantasy where he took me to a dungeon and paraded me around in nothing but his button down shirt a garter belt with black thigh high fishnet stockings and black heels with a collar on and an anal plug vibrating in my ass. Having been ordered to keep my eyes down and not speak unless he asked me a question. He led me to a bench and had me kneel. He placed a blindfold over my eyes. And I waited, anxious and excited all at the same time. Suddenly, I felt my hair being pulled and I hear his command to open. I open my mouth not knowing what to expect. I can feel him close and he whispers in my ear. “Are you my whore?” I respond, “Yes Sir, I am your whore Sir.”  
“Is my whore, going to be a good girl and follow instructions?” he calmly asks. My mouth is still open and I respond “Yes, Sir.” Once again returning to an open mouth.  
Suddenly, I feel the nudge of a cock against my mouth. I do not respond. I haven’t been given permission to take it within my mouth. I hear him say, “take it in your mouth and suck it.” I take it in my mouth as my hand makes contact with my clit. I remain focused. Knowing that if there is a cock in my mouth, my hand is touching my pussy. He hums and says “good girl”. I am thankful for the blindfold, it helps me focus solely on him and not be distracted by what is around me or who is watching. “Get me nice and wet” he directs me and I can tell when he takes in a quick sharp breath that he is not unaffected by my mouth. He suddenly pulls his cock out of my mouth and I can sense him circling behind me. My fingers are still massaging my clit. I feel him behind me his hands massaging my hips. “Spread your legs wider” he commands and I immediately obey. He fingers me making me whimper. “Who do these holes belong to?” He asks. “all my holes belong to you, Sir” I pant trying to keep myself from losing control. I can come only on his command and I would never embarrass and disappoint him by disobeying him in public. He leans over me, and whispers in my ear “I am going to take all three of them tonight and show everyone what a good little slut you are”.  My pussy clenches around his finger and he chuckles. “You are a little whore aren’t you? Maybe I will let others use toys on you. But my cock is the only cock that will take any of your holes. And why is that?” “Because I am your slut Sir. You own all of me Sir”, I answer clearly and without hesitation. I feel it deep down. That he is who I have chosen to submit to. All of me is his to control. “Good Girl” he growls and he enters my pussy in one stroke, burying himself deep inside me. He begins to relentlessly pound into me, as my moans escape between my lips. I whimper as I feel myself begin to edge toward release. I beg to be allowed to cum. With a smack on my ass he tells me “No”. I pull myself back from the brink. Feeling every stroke of his cock inside me. He then begins to move the anal plug in and out in rhythm with his strokes and again I find myself on the brink whimpering desperately trying to hold off my orgasm. He pulls the plug from my ass and lays it beside me on the bench. I feel the lube against my backside right before he slams into my ass. I scream at the pain mixed with the pleasure of my Master pumping into my tight hole. My senses and nerves are triggered. My legs begin to shake. I feel his cock swelling and I am barely holding on. “Cum for me” he breathes into my ear and I detonate. My pussy and ass simultaneously clenching, my legs shaking uncontrollably and I try to catch my breath as the tremors overtake my body. A euphoric feeling engulfs my body as I sense darkness enveloping me and my body getting heavy. 
I jolt awake disoriented, not knowing where I am. Reaching out for my Master. He was there holding me close, stroking my hair. “That was magnificent”, he complimented me. “What happened?” I asked somewhat embarrassed. He smiled at me, “Your total submission”.

My Dom said he wanted to take me somewhere tonight. He handed me his white button down shirt, black heels, black fishnet thigh highs and a black and red lace garter belt and a red and black silk and lace mask.
He walks me to the car and places the mask over my eyes. We drive for a while and then come to a stop. I wait patiently and nervously when I hear his door open and a few minutes later mine opens. He takes my hand and assists me out of the vehicle. He comes close to my ear and says. “You will do exactly what I say and you will not speak unless it is your safe word. Do you understand?” I whisper yes sir as all my nerve endings seem to come alive. “Good girl”, he growls. I tentatively walk with him leading me. I know we have gotten into an elevator and we are heading downward. As we exit the elevator I can hear erotic deep base music playing. Suddenly, I hear another male voice. “What have we here?” My Dom says, “I brought my sub to play.” The man says to my Dom.
“Divine, enjoy yourselves.”  
My Sir leads me to a quieter area. I am a bit disoriented with the music, and not being able to see. Suddenly we stop and he turns me. “Do you remember your safe word my little Plaything?” I shake my head yes. Mindful that I am not to speak. Suddenly, he grabs me by the back
of my head and kisses me passionately. He says, “You are my fuck toy and I plan to share you tonight. Do you understand me?” I stiffen. Frightened but wanting to submit to my Sir’s request. I shake my head affirmatively. “You will not cum unless I tell you to.”
Again I nod. He begins to unbutton the shirt that I have on. Exposing my breasts and my bare pussy. He takes my shirt off and he grabs my hair and commands me to my knees. I am on my knees, legs spread and my palms on my knees. Chest out and eyes cast down.
I hear a belt buckle loosen and a zipper. Suddenly, I feel something slap my face and realize it is a cock.
“Open” he commands. As I open my mouth I feel his member enter my mouth. He goes deep to the back of my throat and I try not to gag as he pounds in and out. He pulls out and I feel him rubbing his balls against my lips. “Lick”, he says gruffly. I lick his balls, his shaft and the tip. I taste his pre-cum and I moan. “You’re my little cum slut.” He grabs my hair and pulls me to my feet. He back me up until my legs hit a piece of furniture. He tells me to sit.  He lifts my legs and swings them up on what appears to be a table. He lays me flat and pulls both my arms over my head where he cuffs them with padded Velcro straps. He then takes each ankle and attaches similar straps. I am startled when suddenly the bottom of the table spreads my legs apart exposing my most private area. I hear him growl. “Beautiful”.
 
I feel his hands running across my body. Over my breasts. Pinching them. I whimper as I feel myself get wet. Then it stops. I hear him walk away leaving me alone. I become anxious and my breathing begins to become rapid. I hear him walk back toward me and feel a slap across my pussy that makes me jump. A crop. Then I feel two sets of hands caressing my breasts, pinching them and then two separate mouths attach themselves to each nipple. I become tense and my heart rate increases. And suddenly everything stops. “Relax. I am right here.”, he says. And I become calm hearing his voice. The mouths return to my breasts and I moan as the sensation makes me tingle and ache. Once again I feel the crop smack across my pussy and I yelp.
I feel his presence between my legs as he runs his fingertips from my ankles to my inner thighs. My whole body shivers at his caress. Slowly he makes his way up my thighs, lightly skimming over might outer lips, I feel his breath against me as he parts them. Running his tongue from my entrance to my clit. I buck at the sensation. He just chuckles. “Hmmm, my little whore enjoys that”. And he clamps his mouth over my clit sucking and tugging it. I squeal and moan as I feel my clit spasm. He uses his hand to run up and down my inner lips. Before he uses two fingers to enter me, curling them upward as he nibbles on my clit. I can barely catch my breath. The stimulation on my nipples and what he is doing to my pussy is sending me in to overdrive. I thrash my head back and forth whimpering and trying not to cum. My begging moans and whimpers. One of the persons at my breasts, notes how beautifully flushed my body is. Stating he wants to see me cum undone. I am on the edge desperately trying not to disappoint my Dom. He stops his ministrations and suddenly I feel his cock at my entrance. He slams into me hard. I scream as he hits my cervix. He pumps faster and harder and I am desperate not to cum. I feel him lean over and in my ear moans for me to cum for him. I immediately detonate. My legs shaking violently as my pussy clenches around him.
He pumps two more times as he groans out his release. “Good girl”, he praises me. I sigh as I drift back down from my intense orgasm. 

The collar means a lot of things to different people. What it meant to me goes so much deeper than ownership. To me it was so much more than offering my submission:

It was the giving of my loyalty. Knowing I would never cross a line and dishonor the bond of the collar.

It was trust in my Dominant that he had my best interest at heart in all his decisions when related to our dynamic.

It was devotion and the giving of my heart, fragile as it may be, entrusting him not to shatter it. 

It was the giving of control in so many aspects of my life, with the trust and expectation that he would never hurt me or destroy the gift that I gave freely.

In all this I cherished the bond of the collar and what I thought it meant.
Never take the collar lightly. For some it has so much meaning and emotion behind its significance.

“If anyone will not welcome you or listen to your words, leave that home or town and shake the dust off your feet.”

I know there was a time that I spiraled out of control…I hit rock bottom very painfully. I’ve been the girl who had a “defining moment.”

But I’ll tell you what I know for sure: What matters most is not what’s been DONE. What matters most is what you DO NEXT.

I am owning my mess. I have humbled myself. I am picking up the broken pieces and making it my mission to remember I am a child of God. I am learning to love myself and learning to be a better mother, daughter and friend. To be the light. To be more supportive. And I have seen what friendship truly is… Because anybody can walk beside you in the sunshine… But a friend willing to climb down into the pit and help you fight your way back up? Those are rare. Those are sacred.

For those who stood by me, thank you.

For those that didn’t and wanted to just stir the pot, and to throw gasoline on my dumpster fire…
I will pray for you….

For those of you that continue to twist the knife you embedded in my back…..

Block.
Phone. Facebook. Access denied.

Because listen…

I am and always will be a meet you on the battlefield kind of friend.

I’m a hold my wine, while I get my baseball bat and we ride at dawn kind of friend.

I’m a stand in the chaos with you until you’re safe kind of friend.

But I am NOT a kick-somebody-while-they’re-down friend.

Those kind of “friends” are not friends. They’re vipers, lurking in the grass ready to strike.
Your joy and happiness starts to die the moment you give those kind of “friends” access.

Shake the dust off your feet when people refuse truth, refuse peace, and refuse transformation.

Not everyone deserves a front-row seat to your life. Remember you decide who stays…
and who gets dusted off.

Sometimes I sit and think what if….

How different would my life be if….

If I hadn’t been abused as a child…

If I hadn’t been assaulted….

If I had actually been able to LIVE my life, not just survive it. 

Instead of constantly healing from things I never asked for or deserved. 

Would I have entered this lifestyle sooner, or not at all?

I wonder what I would have become if I wasn’t always recovering from situations that weren’t my fault, from being the physical, sexual or verbal punching bag for others who hoisted their own insecurities on me, expecting me to be responsible for carrying the burden. 
My heart hurts from realizing I spent so much time and energy just enduring instead of living a full and happy life. 
What hurts the most? Everything I missed out on, because I went into protection mode, while I coped with the trauma and the scars left behind. 

I deserved better. I deserved to be chosen, to be loved, to be cherished. But life is funny, it waits for no one. While I tried to pick up the pieces, heal, makes sense of why things happened, it just kept going, leaving me behind to lick the wounds that I didn’t cause. 
And yet I still wonder, what if…. And is it too late?

I am human. Sometimes I fail, sometimes I can be selfish. I spent my whole life thinking and doing for others. Being alone now, I just want to do things for me. But, I need to remember, it isn’t about me and know that I can let my giving and caring side out and not be trampled and made to feel weak. I tried to forget that side of me.
I like to do little things for those I care about. Things to make their lives easier. Things they wouldn’t do for themselves. It’s instinctive for me to want to lighten someone’s burden. I find it hard to ask for anything for myself. I squashed my desires, my needs, my wants for years. I sacrificed so much for others. Sometimes I feel guilty when I pamper myself when I get my nails done, or get a wax, or a facial. Things I was always told were frivolous and unnecessary. These little things I do now for myself make me feel happy and good about myself.

That is growth for me. Reminding myself I can still do for others while still caring for myself as well. A balance in a way. I still stumble, I am still unsure of myself sometimes. But I am learning.

I originally completed the BDSM test and I showed as a Switch. I think a lot of that had to do with my career and how I am perceived in the workplace. Through different experiences I found I was less inclined to be dominant in the bedroom and outside of work. It was like I was able to shed that dominant persona I needed to survive my work environment. Don’t get me wrong. There were many miss steps in my journey and even now I am still learning, growing, evolving with the help of my very patient Dominant. You would think the term submissive and confidence or empowering would not mesh well. But my journey has been empowering in the sense of owning my sexuality and desires. My confidence in my femininity and womanhood has blossomed. Unlearning the belief that sexual needs and desires are something to be ashamed of. I feel confident in displaying my body more so than I have ever felt. It is freeing when with my Dom’s guidance I am becoming who I was meant to be.