Though I am not new to BDSM, nor am I new to being a Domme, the idea that a D/S relationship is different than a vanilla relationship is pervasive. It’s an easy trap to fall into. At the core of every D/S, DD/lg, Maker/Doll, etc relationship... is, well, a relationship. How those of us in the community view certain things, I’m sure, is vastly different than in the vanilla realm. But it would be a mistake to think that regardless of who you are in a relationship with that you don’t change, you don’t or shouldn’t grow, evaluate how you approach communication. It’s a mistake to think that, as people, we are static.
Prior to being with Maiden, my princess, my Sub (with a capital S), I knew of only one way to express the innate Domme qualities that I possess. That one way was... absolutely unthinkable when I looked at her face. We wanted to pursue this and I had the desire to be more, be better. Not just for her, but for myself, too. This is cathartic. This is healing pieces of me previously broken and swept under the rug, parts of dreams locked away.
True to all that she is, she’s taken my hand and led me to healing. She hasn’t healed me. It’s wrong to depend on any other person to ‘fix’ you. As Dommes, we don’t ‘fix’ our subs and neither should they be held responsible for that.
Instead, she showed me I can heal myself. That it’s possible. She has loved me through the times I didn’t love myself. She has held me up when I weak. And she has always, always been my number one fan. She cheers for every victory, no matter how small and I cannot tell you how important that is.
I had so much trouble trying to find that inner Domme. It hit my confidence hard. Trying to twist my body into knots to look at things differently because if I could just look at it a little differently, I’d see that Domme inside me and know how to reach her. I was so caught up in trying to look the part (if I saw the reflection in the mirror looking like the Domme I know, could I fake it until I made it?), so caught up in walking that fine, invisible line of pushing boundaries and keeping her safe and erring on safety fartoo much. I was caught up in trying to provide a Domme for her that I thought she wanted.
She just wanted me. I’ve been in this community since I was 18 and not only did I allow myself to get caught up in the idea that PornDomme (as we’ve come to call it) was what I HAD to be, I needed to wholly remake myself into a characature of who I was, wildly exaggerated. And since I was 18, I have never been wanted for only myself. That I could come as I am and find myself loved, wanted, desired, and worthy of submission simply because of who I am.
I finally relaxed. I relaxed into who I am and had *fun*. I wasn’t concerned with who I was supposed to be, what I’m supposed to look like, the words I’m supposed to be saying. Instead, I just had fun and used her for my own pleasure and it works because what gives me pleasure is the same that pleasures her.
I know there are other Dom/mes out there who go through this, themselves. No two D/S relationships are the same and finding yourself when you’re in love and committed isn’t an easy task. My advice to you is... stop trying. Let it flow. Come as you are. Be received as you are and enjoy yourself. If you aren’t enough, the relationship is doomed from the start.
And GrimmMaiden, my sweet princess, my love. It is because of you and your support I have found the surety of my path, love, and trust I never knew possible. You are forever cherished.
