Thoughts From A Sub

You know how when you’re hungry at first, you’re desperate to eat and you only feel your stomach hurt? Everything sounds delicious to you and the dumbest thing to do at that moment is go grocery shopping? But then as time passes your body adjusts and you enter into a fasted state. The hunger is there but it’s not desperation.  Your thoughts are clear and focused.  That’s what today feels like in Locktober day 16.

I’ve come to a realization of what it is about this extended denial that has induced a love for service to my wife. It’s not really a sexual gratification as it is a deeply intimate one.  The strongest memory I have of this feeling is back in 2018.  My then live in girlfriend had just finished graduate school, and she struggled to find a job. Application after application, and Interview after interview only to receive an email that they were “going in another direction.” I ached to fix it for her but was helpless to do anything but continuously encourage her to not give up.  And then one day, it just happened. Don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t her dream job, and she has since moved on from it, but it was her first job in her field of study.

The look of relief and joy on her face is seared into my skull. I have never felt so happy for someone  without having some joy for how it helps me.  Sure, being proud of her and relieved about the additional income came later. But in that moment, I was just consumed with euphoria to see her relieved, and happy, and proud of herself.  I ordered an engagement ring that night.  Didn’t even consider whether she would for sure say yes. I just knew that the most genuine sense of joy I’ve ever experienced was simply through seeing her face.   

It wasn’t just that the happiness I felt was as good as any joy I’ve had for a personal achievement. It was that it felt even better. Whenever something good happens to me, I’m happy but the baggage of imposter syndrome, and doubt about what’s next always come with it.  Not with this kind of happiness. No, this was joy in its purist form that I experienced for the first time in my life.

And then time passes as the ups and downs of life get in the way. As I experience my own successes and failures; As I develop my own self doubt, and mental health struggles; I tend to be more distracted by the things that effect me and my sense of self worth.  Often at night, when I can’t sleep because I don’t like the person I am, I end up reaching out for some relief, through masturbation. Often for no other reason than to help me sleep. Over time, having an orgasm becomes less about experiencing pleasure and more about dulling emotional pain and anxiety. Similar to substance use overtime. That negative association seeped into when we had sex. I often wouldn’t enjoy the foreplay, because my focus is on the relief from the feeling of self-loathing digging into my ribs.

But now… now, I don’t get an orgasm to dull anything. Sex is about pleasure again. Even when I touch myself, I know I won’t get to have that relief, so I’m only able to enjoy the build up. And since I’m only able to enjoy the build up, my attention focuses solely on that. Which, makes sexual play with my wife, an experience that I’m not just trying to get through. It’s something I’m trying to savor. I’m paying attention to every move she makes, every sound she utters, and I become acutely aware of how it affects me.

That Hyperawareness extends beyond when we engage in foreplay or watching her please herself.  I’m now hyper-aware and even discovering the little things she does through the day that arouse me, intentionally or not.  And that’s not to say they didn’t arouse me before, but it was more subconscious, more subtle.  Right now, when she does something that arouses me, I either feel my member press against the cage at even the slightest hint of an erection, or I feel pre-cum suddenly flowing.

You might say it’s an exercise in mindfulness. I’m now mindful of every thing she does that I find arousing.  Obviously I don’t always make it known. Nor is it so distracting that forces me stop all that I’m doing… well, it doesn’t always mean that…. It’s just enough to give me pause and remind me that I’m romantically in love with this remarkable creature. Not just as deep friendship, or as a coparent. But a deep erotic love for her and everything about her.

On top of all of that, the commitment to staying locked for the whole month, has me filled with anticipation. When I do think about cumming, I’m only able to think about cumming with her.  It’s become something I fantasize about.  And I love the simplicity in that. Fantasizing about fucking my wife. Thinking about all I will do to build up. Thinking about all I will do to ensure she is in the mood and as excited as I am.  And think about all I will do to ensure she is even more satisfied than I know I will be.  And more importantly, because I know that things are still up in the air with postpartum recovery for her, I fantasize about how we will adapt to ensure it’s still a wonderful experience. Because this experience has put my own satisfaction aside, I’m reminded of how much satisfaction I get just from seeing her happy.  And that’s why doing acts of service for her is not just sexual, it’s out of a desire to simply see her enjoying her life with me.

So, yes, this is a game. But the game is really just a structure of rules as a vehicle to bring these feelings that I’m normally too distracted to notice to the forefront.  The game is just a game, but the feelings I have for her are real, deep, and powerful. Similar to when you read a fantasy novel. You know that the story isn’t real, but the feelings you have as you read very much are.

There are other aspects I’m enjoying as well, but this is the part that makes it more than just kink. This is the part that makes it something I want to continue long term.  My biggest fear after this is over, is going back to being more concerned about myself than her.  More concerned with whether I’m good enough, rather than right now, I’m just concerned with doing all I can to make sure she knows that she is enough.

I don’t want to go back. Why would I want to think about me, when I can spend all day thinking about her? If you saw her, you’d agree. Eyes so blue like the sea that I feel wet when I look into them. Oh… that’s because I do get wet when I see them.

Anyway… bye.

It’s officially been more than 2 weeks since my last Orgasm. At some point yesterday and continuing into today, I seem to have crossed a new emotional threshold. If you’ve been following my last few post, you’ve probably noticed that I’ve been a bit of a Wreck.  A slight change in wind direction was setting me off in an uncontrollable stupor.  If your job doesn’t have much flexibility regarding time, I recommend just taking the week off for week two.  I basically had to leave my office just to sit in my car for a few minutes every hour or so just to call myself down.  I’m not saying this is everyone’s experience. This has just been mine.

As of now, however, I’m alert but not overwhelmed. Aroused, but not obsessive. As euphoric as last week was at times, I gotta say, it’s for the best that phase has passed.  I was getting to be too horny to function. One more week of that and my work would’ve suffered severely. (Don’t do Locktober if you’re an Air Traffic Controller or something like that.)  

All that said, this phase is interesting. I’m now at the phase where I’m almost in acceptance. Not so much that I’m just resigned to this state, but more accustomed to the sensations. Will this last? Not a clue, will one night of my wife riding my cage send me back in the stupor? I wouldn’t be surprised.  

The point is that for now I guess I’d say I’ve hit my stride. Not worried about if I’ll make it to November. Now, my concern is about doing what I can to please my wife, to make the next 16 days a wonderful experience for both of us.  

As I’ve mention before, although my wife is participating for my sake, this isn’t really her kink as of yet.  She has said that the past two weeks has been very fun, but she’s still navigating what she likes and doesn’t like about being my soft domme. So my energy and attention at this point, is to make sure my goddess loves the next two weeks sooo much that she doesn’t want to go back. To be honest my main fantasy, is on November 1st after multiple rounds of penatrative sex, she looks me in the eye and tells me. Ok that’s enough. Put your cage back on. If you do the dishes and clean the sunroom to my standards before bedtime, I’ll let you taste my perfect pussy.

a guy can dream, can’t he?

Early Sunday, afternoon, I stepped out the shower to get dressed for our evening in the city. We were going to see my old college buddy perform at a stand up comedy festival. But as I got out of the shower, there my wife stood in the doorway let in hand. “Take it off.” she ordered. “My property needs some time to breathe.

So far, over that past 12 days I’ve only been granted a couple of moments unlocked for hygiene purposes and twice just to get me hard for a few minutes only to be forced back in when I calmed down. 

As I was nervous about what was to come next the key seemed to jam as I turned it. I pulled frustratedly trying to force the stupid lock out. “Oh for heaven’s sake” my wife muttered as she slapped my hand aways unfastened the lock effortlessly. The she pulled the cage of and told me to hand her the base ring. “Now, go get dress we need leave the house in 45 minutes.” She commanded.

I walked to my underwear drawer to grab my briefs. “Oh, yeah, not those…” she told me. “Those are way too snug. I told you they need to breathe. Just put your pants on.  The thought genuinely terrified me. Having no buffer between me and my member, as it dangles, feeling a slight graze with every movement. Under normal circumstances, I wouldn’t care about free balling it. But in this circumstance, my little guy, was not in a state for anything unexpected.  luckily my wife reached into my pants and I heard a spraying sound.  “This lidocaine, should keep you from being such a delicate thing” she teased.  I sigh of relief flowed over me.  It wasn’t ideal but it was something. 

We arrive at the venue and to be honest during most of the show everything was fine. The only thing was that I don’t think I ever had my legs crossed so tight in my life.  The only awkward moment during the show was when I needed to use the restroom. I really only needed to pee and the urinal was open… but at this point it just felt wrong.  I know it had only been 12 days, but the  idea of pulling my dick out while standing just seemed… unsafe.  So I waited for the stall to open, I sat down and didn’t even look at what was happening below.  

From then on through the rest of the night my anxiety began to build. We sat down for dinner. My wife saw my discomfort at the attractiveness of our waitress. I’m sure I stared a little too long at every mildly attractive woman that passed us. Lately when I notice an attractive lady, my manhood begins to press against my cage and all thoughts flood to my beloved. Now, it was like a horse without reigns, I didn’t have anything to remind me of who was in control. All I knew was I wasn’t. Not that I was going to do anything. Lord knows I surely just ooozed pathetic desperation.

It was that thought that through me into the abyss.  Not the awareness of my pathetic desperation, but the sudden realization of who we were having dinner with while I was in this state. I’ve been friend with Jessie for 15 years. We’re fraternity brothers. And when we met he was a virgin with a stutter. This was long before I had discovered my submissive self. At that time, I was teaching him how to approach and talk to girls. Explaining to him how present yourself as inviting but never needy. Eventually, he started to develop his confidence and found more than one companion while we were in college… and now look at us. 

15 years have passed and the awkward virgin I helped get the nerve to talk to a girl is now happily married and performing live shows on stage. Meanwhile, I’m just desperate to cum. I’m needy.  Fear tingled down my spine, that somehow he knew. Somehow he could sense that I’ve become a pathetic beta male who isn’t even in charge of his own orgasms.  A beta male who can’t even spend a couple hours outside of his cage without constantly fearing of cumming all over himself. I these thought flooded my head throughout dinner.

But with that fear came arousal… When dinner was finished and the check was paid I lifted the napkin from my lap, and saw  a clear round massive wet spot on the crotch of my gray slacks. I had no clue what to do. We were leaving, I couldn’t just sit there waiting for it to dry. This was it, my buddy and all the restaurant were about to see how much precut can build over the course of a meal.  I had to accept my fate… but suddenly a cold rush went through my crotch and I writhed as I realized my wife had accidentally knocked over a water glass right on to my pants. What serendipity and relief. My buddy and his wife were clueless as to what happened.  

We went our separate ways and my wife and I got into the car. “Just so we’re clear, I didn’t knock over the glass for your sake.” My wife smirked. “It’s just that I liked that restaurant and I don’t want to go back being known as the lady married to the loser who cums in his pants.”  I thanked her anyway for saving me.  “What is a good domme for if not to keep her subby safe right? That’s what that book you gave me said anyway.”  She reached into her purse pulled out my cage.  She’s teased, “tell you what, we have a 45 minute drive, I can leave this off and as you drive home  may spend part of that using my hand to bring you to the edge… Or you can put this on right now and…” I swiped the the cage out of her hands like a cat pawing its favorite toy. I don’t think I had ever been to get my cage on and lock that quickly… “ahhhhhh” I sighed with relief… “there’s a good boy…” my wife said mockingly. “We can just spend the rest of the car ride talking about all of the women you stared at during dinner.  Don’t think I didn’t notice, you little perve. Couldn’t even think to close your mouth when the waitress came by. I swear it was so pathetic. Hahaha.” She continued on about my behavior for the whole ride home. I didn’t care. In fact, enjoyed hearing her voice. All that mattered was for the first time in all day, I actually felt Safe again.   

ok, bye 😄 

Today, I woke up to the strangest feeling I’ve had since getting locked up for Locktober. That feeling was “mundanity.”  Don’t get me wrong, I was still locked up, and it’s a micro steel cage. I’m not going anywhere. This morning however, unlike the last 272 hours the thought of being locked up didn’t take up 65% of my headspace. For reference, about 5% is dedicated to the realization that the Hero’s Call to Adventure in the movie Shrek is NYMBYism.  I woke up drowsily around 8ish.

For the past 10 days I’ve shot out of bed around 3:30am to 4:00am, desperately looking for a load of laundry to run, a dishwasher to empty or anything to make waking up a more pleasant experience for the perfect woman.  I usually set a timer for 5-7 minutes before my usually wife wakes so I can make her Latte, and prep her two favorite “get up and go” breakfasts (I eat whichever one she isn’t in the mood for). 

But today, just felt like a normal Saturday. We had the kids’ activities to get ready for, I made a quick breakfast for us all,  And, yes, I made my wife’s latte but I actually forgot to stir the sugar in. My wife didn’t make anything of it. She just asked for a spoon. We got ready and left the house. 

we got back a little while later had some lunch. We put the kids down for nap. As I’m wiping down the counter of sandwich bread crumbs, in a relaxed “oh btw” tone my wife tells me,  “hey, I need you to go up into the attic to get the Halloween decorations down.”  I didn’t even look up at her and as I moved the crumbs to the trash bin, I said, “ehhh it’s pretty hot out, I think I’ll get them down this evening, and we can put them up tomorrow…” at that moment I realized it was possible to hear someone glare at you. I turned around and saw her face… I mean it was probably her face. When I try to picture it in hindsight, all I see is Galadriel contemplating seizing the power of the one ring. And Then She Said… “I’M SORRY… DO YOU THINK I GIVE FUCK HOW HOT IT IS?”  At that moment I felt THE PRECIOUS, wrap tight around my cock and bagginses.  My eyes rolled back and steady stream of either precum or liquid mythril began flowing through my cage.  All I had the strength to do at that point was timidly mutter, “is it ok if I change first?”  “NO!!!” She yelled before I could finish the sentence. “YOUR ASS… IN THE ATTIC…” 

So here I am in the attic as I type this sweating for three reasons, 1. Sweat, from fires of Mordor that is my attic, 2. Sweat from the Arousal I have from her yelling at me. 3. Sweat from Fear of what she’ll do if she finds out I’m typing this up instead of doing what she told me to do. 

Well, that mundanity was a pleasant detour. Back to the overwhelming obsession with my precious and the mistress of it… I’m so in love with her. 

Gotta Go! 

Hello, everyone, my username is SubStanChill, but you can call me Stan. I’m new to engaging with the bdsm community, and I have no clue if I’m unique in terms of background or standard. Regardless here is a little about me and how I got here. 

I come from a relatively “traditional” family, with very loving parents and siblings and very close extended family. My second cousin and I joke about how we’re closer as cousins than most first cousins in other parts of the US. And even today I’m in a monogamous marriage with two kids, I work full time and my wife works part time from home (though right now she effectively makes more than I do hourly). If you described my life in an obituary, we’d look like a poster family for a church brochure.  

That said, we are very open about how supportive we are of other lifestyles. As long as you are polite and kind to everyone at my table you’re welcome to share a meal with us at it.  Although I’m secretive about my kink, I’m an open and staunch advocate of all forms consensual relationships, identities and lifestyles.  

And despite my on paper profile, behind closed doors, I’m a chastised sub, who worships and serves his wife. I do the majority of household chores, and if I do everything my wife demands, my most common treat will often be that I get to watch her masturbate or even better, bring her to climax orally, (she tells that it’s the thing I’m best at.)

At the time of writing this, it’s Locktober. My first One. I’ve been at least somewhat aware of this kink in some form for at least 15 years now.  I’m 9 days in without an orgasm unless it’s ruined. it’s the longest I’ve ever gone without a full orgasm. On day 6 I had to buy pads because I’m leaking so much that it’s visible through my pants. Honestly… I’m freaking LOVING Every Single  Second.  Of course If my mind is occupied with my job or my kids then I completely forget about this other stuff. I’m a parent and husband first. Other than that,  I’m just in a constant state of near euphoria.

The feeling of being contained, of being denied, of serving my perfect wife. The idea of the humiliation if anyone saw how tiny my dick looks in this cage, and if they saw how I was just leaking as though someone didn’t turn the faucet off correctly. The sensation of my wife giving me any command or even a request. The satisfaction I get from fulfilling the request or when she says good boy pats my butt for going above and beyond. And the  extreme sensitivity I have if my wife even grazes my private parts. I’ve never felt this sexually fulfilled in my life.

 In someways I’m looking forward to the end of Locktober. I really do miss my wife’s absolutely perfect pussy. Also, my wife is giving this a try for my sake, but she really misses my dick as she gave birth recently and is still recovering, so it’s been a few months since she’s felt it. But I’m honestly hoping she locks me back up when she’s done, only to be freed to address hygiene, and for when she wants to use it.

I honestly don’t want to go back to how I was before. I have depression with very self deprecating verbal tics. Anytime my mind would wander, I’d have an intrusive thought, and whisper, “I hate myself!” Or worse. But now, the only intrusive thoughts I get are of my wife and what I can do to please her. I don’t want to go back. I feel weird saying it, but I’m scared of how long it will be before she locks me up again. I know I could do it myself, but without her, it’s just me not masturbating between sex. 

I’m sharing this because I started to wonder how I would feel if the private parts of my life were exposed publicly, how I would react and feel. And I’ve come to the conclusion that yes I would be embarrassed… and not in an arousing way… ok, not JUST in an arousing way. But I would only be embarrassed, not ashamed.  I refuse to be ashamed of this desire.  It feels absolutely incredible, it’s consensual and it’s within the confines of our marriage. We should only be ashamed if the way we live our lives goes against our espoused values. And this doesn’t.  

I’m a chastised sub, who worships and serves his goddess of a wife. I’m a chastised sub who hopes his wife embraces this lifestyle, and keeps him caged the majority of the year for the rest of their lives. I’m a chastised sub who wants fewer orgasms than vacation days and even that’s probably too many. I love feeling humiliated, mocked and belittled by my wife. I love feeling like I’m not man enough to please her with my pathetic locked dick. 

But I will NEVER feel ashamed… 

Sincerely, 

Sub-Stan-Chill.