The Grump is Here

Sometimes my life just shudders to a halt and I have to get of the bus and walk away to a spot behind a high wall and feel safe . 

My life was always mine to live mine to own and I made the decisions about me. Even as a child when I was left in the dark and told to find the door myself as no one gave a fuck I have made my decisions. 

Two years ago this all changed and I've had to let go and leave it to others. This was very hard for me to do. It wasn't because I was a proud walking tall walking free all my own person no it was because I had no other option. First time I believe in my life all options were removed and I had to truly accept. I did. I do and I have done since. It's how I'm able to get of and on the bus otherwise I think I'd never come back out from behind that high wall. 

For all my compatriots in here who have found their groove ....

Sometimes reality comes at me  like a fright train , loud, huge, unstoppable and on the same track I am on.

This sort of reality I  never really want nor can forget. I try to leave it behind and  sometimes I can smell the roses feel the fresh air washing over my body like a wave. 

These moments of serenity can accumulate into a much stronger force that gives me the tools to turn and face my runaway reality head on and brace for impact knowing I will get knocked over but I'll be breathing still and I'll be on my feet quicker each time as muscle memory from the  stored moments kick in. 

The days of darkness can return but like the seasons brightness always comes and floods the shadows with light life giving light. 

My reality forces me to think. Forces me to accept. Forces me to look forwards not pocket some of my past and carry it around with me. Each time I'm forced I get more resilient, more sure it's what I am to do, that this is all part of my  earth script just rewritten to suit my new spirit, my new soul, but it's still me still me at the core, I haven't changed that much that I can leave centuries  of connected souls aside. My spirit still walks through the forests the fields feeling the heat of the sun the grass beneath my feet. I haven't fought so many battles to give up now and resign myself to permanent night. 

I will stand on  the hill maybe less strength in my bones less fight in my heart but I will stand I will look upon my life and not be discouraged. 

Trees green heavy with leaf circle the valley, walls of wood. The grass tall uncut swaying in a motion to mesmerize the eyes , droplets of red upon random blades peppered throughout the valley floor. A small river slashes through the tranquility clear cool blue washing over what lies beneath. The sun has now lowered in the skies washing crimson across it's palette. The song birds are quitening down the forest dwellers returning to their homes eyes watching ears listening movements cautious.

On the hill where the trees have cracked, a small opening in the wall of wood stands a lone figure . Head bent down , shoulders slumped , cloth upon it hangs in loose shape, in one hand a weapon a sword it's metal dulled with the marks of its work. The other hand is outstretched, holding a leather fashioned collar from which dangles a solitary small emerald. 

Slowly the figure reveals itself as it's head rises up. The face of a man. The face is contorted, scarred from many battles his beard unkept his eyes buried deep within telling his life's stories without a spoken word. The man a warrior stood in silence, patient. 

In the valley below a low sound of screams could be heard , ungoldy , errie wrought with pain devoid of life . More droplets of red embellished its green grass . The red droplets were warm and had a strong smell ,the smell of death.

A figure moved near the river. Quickly . Quietly. The clang of metal cut the valley like thunderclaps , came and went in the blink of an eye. The figure melted into the tall uncut grass ,silent . The forest dwellers halting in their tracks, ears pricked up, eyes dancing in every direction noses twitching. Their homeward pace quickened their demeanour more cautious. The walls of trees stood in silence no movement no wind .

Once more the figure by the river moved rising up to the evening shadows to melt into them as one. The smell of fear drifted through the valley the screams more low more sad, their hoplesness rippling through the valley washing into the forest and disappearing in the silence. 

Upon the hill the warrior looked on no emotions in his eyes no expression on his grizzled dirt and blood splattered face. Slowly he raised his arm lifting the empty leather collar high up into fading day. The emerald burst a bright green light and the last ray of the days sun caught it in its death grasp and was gone. 

The valley below sunk into the night , trees stood as majestic dark shadows the forest dwellers now safely returned to their homes embracing the warmth and security gently closed their eyes. The river hummed a soft sound it's water running of away into the valley , the tall grass now smelling sweet gently rested. Night was here. Day was gone and the lone warrior upon the hill had turned and was slowly walking away into the darkness, the leather crafted emerald adorned collar was gone from his hand and the warrior was no longer alone as he walked

Here we go. You like that ! Should you want to have more it's available. Oh you are greedy , well, as I said here is more. Yes. Yes it took awhile , bit of effort. No no no I think about it otherwise I would not be giving it to you.

More !?

Sure ...

It is different yes I know. Different but still known. No totally unknown not alien. 

You what !?

You are now not sure !

You had loads though,  you were loving it only just now and now  you aren't loving it now ! 

What changed !

Why ?

It's not what you thought it was ! Really !!

How so ?

What's so different to when you first had it that you now feel it's not for you !

I don't understand why ? What about my efforts are they now no good ! 

You said you liked it just there you ordered it you specifically said you wanted it , you wanted this and now that you have it you don't want it ! 

Fuck . 

Fuck it .

That's fucked up 

Yes .

Of course I feel I was a fool to give it to you when you only said you wanted it were passionate about it displayed how much you wanted it and now ....

Bullshit ....

Trees green heavy with leaf circle the valley,  walls of wood. The grass tall uncut swaying in a motion to mesmerize the eyes , droplets of red upon random blades peppered throughout the valley floor. A small river slashes through the tranquility clear cool blue washing over what lies beneath. The sun has now lowered in the skies washing crimson across it's palette. The song birds are quitening down the forest dwellers returning to their homes eyes watching ears listening movements cautious.

On the hill where the trees have cracked,  a small opening in the wall of wood  stands a lone figure . Head bent down , shoulders slumped , cloth upon it hangs in loose shape, in one hand a weapon a sword it's metal dulled with the marks of its work. The other  hand is outstretched,  holding a leather fashioned collar from which dangles a solitary small emerald. 

Slowly the figure reveals itself as it's head rises up. The face of a man. The face is contorted, scarred from many battles  his beard unkept his eyes buried deep within telling his life's stories without a spoken word. The man a warrior stood in silence,  patient. 

In the valley below a low sound  of screams could be heard , ungoldy , errie wrought with pain devoid of life . More droplets of red embellished its green grass . The red droplets were warm and had a strong smell ,the smell of death.

A figure moved near the river. Quickly . Quietly. The clang of metal cut the valley like thunderclaps , came and went in the blink of an eye. The figure melted into the tall uncut grass ,silent . The forest dwellers halting in their  tracks, ears pricked up, eyes dancing in every direction noses twitching. Their homeward pace quickened their demeanour more cautious. The walls of trees stood in silence no movement no wind .

Once more the figure by the river moved rising up to the evening shadows to melt into them as one. The smell of fear drifted through the valley the screams more low more sad, their hoplesness rippling through the valley washing into the forest and disappearing in the silence. 

Upon the hill the warrior looked on no emotions in his eyes no expression on his grizzled dirt and blood splattered face. Slowly he raised his arm lifting the empty leather collar high up into fading day. The emerald burst a bright green light and the last ray of the days sun caught it in its death grasp and was gone. 

The valley below sunk into the night , trees stood as majestic dark shadows the forest dwellers now safely returned to their homes embracing the warmth and security gently closed their eyes. The river hummed a soft sound it's water running of away into the valley , the tall grass now smelling sweet gently rested. Night was here. Day was gone and the lone warrior upon the hill had turned and was slowly walking away into the darkness,  the leather crafted emerald adorned collar was gone from his hand and the warrior was no longer alone as he walked. 

I know I'm a good bit on the daft side of life because I don't give a flying fuck about how I am perceived by most .

It's not a deliberate attempt at alienation to avoid contact or scrutiny. Nor do I walk around with nettles up me arse angry looking for conflict . 

I just live how I do now from living many other lives over the last 59 years . School me was a poor learner in a place devoid of empathy in a time of brutalism it's ears closed to differences so I rescinded and I closed my ears and opened my mouth . This brought me the wrong attention but hindsight now shows me I was correct as I was screaming for help. 

Teenage me was spat out of education branded a failure , banished at 15 separated from my peers and friends and left in the world totally unready. I was lost as fuck . Hindsight again tells me it was the real beginning of my education that summer I began a very different journey. 

When it came to leaving teenage years and going into manhood I had already crashed and burned many times. Ups and downs . Experienced and experiences. The world itself was changing . Technology was beginning to show it's double headed demon. Hindsight shows I was without today's now essentials of connected connectivity to being connected in what was a blink of an eye in my life .

All along there was a strand of me of who I was of who I was going to be for the proceeding years right up to where I am today now. 

This strand  educated me and I graduated from the school of BDSM and  was a scholar in the life trials and tribulations of a Dominant. 

I developed within this world as a Dominant and as a person . I was thought many things that mainstream education would have told me was wrong was deviant was not good for my well being and so on but hindsight showed me BDSM educated me way better than any other form of education I had. 

I learned more about myself than I ever think I would or could. I learned about people in a way that I find for me more real more deeper and on a more honest uncluttered non bullshit level. I know I do not meet someone on say a bus and openly discuss rules and protocols pertaining to the upcoming bus journey - you will sit facing forwards , no chatting to me unless I start talking first - and so on , no if I did that I would removed from said bus with a swift kick up my arse.

However meet someone in the BDSM world and I can delve deep into rules and protocols they can be opened up explored polished refined developed and all during that time no matter  what is discussed or said no one gets kicked off the bus . 

I know I'm supremely privileged and well grounded as a person as a dominant in this bdsm world and I have no problem walking in the two worlds as they both are different but they both are mine and they both are of huge importance in my life . So when I don't give a flying fuck about what people perceive me as it's not through not caring it's because I have so found my groove in life and I'm living it both of them as I best as I can without allowing myself be unhappy with either world. Both have their challenges and there's good times and bad times but in the end both are mine to do with what makes me feel better feel happy feel that I am being true to myself. 

So my rules and protocols are real to me and do not disparage them because you're only in the BDSM world for your kicks. That's another bus journey to talk about . ..