this day is full of self destruction and devastation. I'm scared. no, terrified. what if what if what if
I hope your insecurities are laid to rest
some perspective, but I sat and stared - right where you left me
I took the pieces of my broken heart, the ones that I'd put away into the most metaphorical box you could think of - one that couldn't be opened.
I thought that I could believe you, so, I took those pieces and started to string them like little beads. I was starting to grow bulbils, thinking that something was healthy and starting to grow.
instead, winter arrived but you, you did not. I said more than I should have. I should have kept them in the box. now they're all crumbling and I'm going to have to start again - but will I?
since my divorce, I'm rearranging, going room by room. making places that once felt ugly, awful and vile - making them my own, changing the scenery so happy feelings come. sitting amongst his things is not healthy for me. he says soon he will take the rest of his things. soon, for three years.
back to my sanctuary. I've found the quiet, sometimes it's deafening but not as deafening as his screaming rants. sometimes the only thing I feel like I'm missing is someone warm and safe in my bed. but again, this sanctuary. how can I ever let someone back in again?
I think the contemplating I've done today, the thoughts swimming, the man who asked for nudes finally called. no mention, phone cut out, no return phone call until he was almost out of time.
...I have to build the tallest walls tonight. listening to the clock, tick tock tick tock, like some sort of euphemism that the universe is telling me. time never stops until you're dead and in the ground.
I'm not waiting anymore. I'm not going to answer the phone when he calls again. I will be nothing but a thing of the past, a distant memory, his Madeline on a high road.
She's bound to come back and haunt you forever/ There's ghosts in the windows and wall/ I'm waitin' by the telephone all fucking night/ Someone that ain't ever gonna call
orchids have been one of my most challenging plants. and that's life for me right now, challenging but hopefully blooming someday very soon.
(someone asked, I wanted to share my explanation)
I was around 5 when I broke my ankle. I had walked around on it for a few days before anyone noticed that I was favoring that ankle. does it hurt? no, not really, just doesn't seem to work the way it used to. I had, funnily enough, tripped over a massive snapping turtle's shell that my grandpa had caught and had thrown it out in the field, the dog brought it back home. my mom finally took me to the doctor after noticing a bit of swelling. it was definitely broken, lol, and the more they moved it around and looked at it the more I giggled! it didn't hurt, it tickled and just didn't work right. left in a cast for the next however many weeks.
I wasn't scared of the saw they use to cut those things off, I found those intriguing too and thought I should have gotten to take it home. I had the cast off for about two weeks before I was playing at my aunt's farm and tripped over a roll of carpet she was about to have hauled to the upper level. I didn't say a word but my cousin saw me fall. back to the doctor. it's broken again! this only happened one more time after this - I was hauling ass on my sweet purple big wheel and turned my ankle the wrong way and broke it again. it still didn't hurt.
I remember being an overly sensitive and emotional child. I spent a lot of time in the guidance counselors office with his stupid puppets while he was playing pocket pool. I would cry even more on the days they sent me to his office. i'd come home and ride my bike for hours blasting some Reba. Reba sang with me while I rode down to the creek, playing with the bugs, making mud pies for my "friends," picking rocks and playing in the water, sometimes jumping farther than I should. one day i'd come home for a snack, to rehydrate, look at my mom taking a nap and she left a candle lit. I put my little fingers in the wax, poking closer at the flame, coating each one of my fingertips before I decided that I wanted to see how it felt if I dumped the rest of the melted wax down the side of my arm. i yelped for just a smidge - she heard me. now I've got candle wax all over my arm and my fingertips, the flame was still going and burning bright when she woke up. she screamed so loudly and it startled me so much I almost dropped the lit candle on the carpeted floor.
my mom had a temper. she was screaming about how I was going to hurt myself, catch the house on fire. but the calm I felt when that candle wax hit my fingers and my arm, watching the flame and having that childhood wonder about just how hot is hot?
looking back - the broken ankle, the candle wax and many other things that i'll write about another day -
these were the start of that high that addicts chase
some just don't know the value of a dollar. damned if you do and damned if you don't.
I used to take hundreds of nudes. all angles, cheat sheet and video, pause and screenshot. free of charge of course, because my self esteem is normally in the garbage, LOL anyway, I took all of these, shared them in chat groups, websites, attempted OF, made a whole nickel off of pornhub. sometimes sent whatever was asked for, even if I didn't like how I looked. I found the cruelty of the internet so incredibly heartbreaking - called names, blocked, ghosted - not all of course, quite a few have been very kind, some jaw dropping comments - flattering, shocking, unbelievably love bombed (even with good intentions ;))
those comments fed me. fed me a lot of bullshit. the ones along the way (swindlers!) who said I was so beautiful, the ones who sought after pictures, they'd disappear eventually, after using me as their playboy - their sockpuppet, sometimes using me for their own porn star - for their own delight - and then they'd be gone. gone way before i'd planned, (I thought i had more time)! i wasn't looking at their pictures or using them for their body or for my own delight. I was memorizing the way they smelled with my eyes closed, what they laughed at or why they laughed at it and how laughing felt with them, if I could hear their voice echo in my mind during time apart.
I was searching for their depth thru their eyes and their heart. i couldn't see it at the time - the universe saying, hey, you're not sinking quickly here, you've gotta tread water for now, drowning is not allowed, watch for the buoys, search for the lighthouses, listen for the beacons.
i have stumbled my way thru this, i've found the buoys, the lighthouse - (where would I be if I hadn't?) - the beacons, I sing along as loud as I can until I can feel my heart gasping for breath and it runs out from head to toe. sometimes I listen to the same songs over and over again because I haven't stopped hurting from whatever i've connected the dots with.
i'm tired boss. all of it - the crying, the wondering, the singing. I sent the pictures and then it was quiet. I don't know what to do with the quiet other than worry the fuck out of it. today - more quiet - but also why am I letting this happen to myself? I gave him honest answers. he asked for pictures. I sent the pictures. I told him he had a soft spot to land and he's still not here. he makes his own choices and I make mine. and this time I think I need to choose me.
my ex-husband and I had just opened up our marriage. he told me about the dirty internet world - I'd never watched porn, never been in any anonymous "dirty" internet chats, apps, etc. i downloaded one and he added me to a group where he already knew people. of course, it sparked my curiosity and I joined quite a few groups. I had no idea if any of the private messages I was receiving even had a real person behind them.
on a slow day at work, I decided to look thru them, just to see what these messages actually said and if the person looked real. there ended up being ONE, lol, that I replied to.
FUCK!
what if I fall? Oh, but my darling, what if you fly?
he wanted to come thru town and meet me. ME, lol! and the only reason I replied to him was because of the comments he made about my curly hair and how my eyes were so beautiful, hazel green and reminded him of fall in the south. (this is where the cynical part of me that would say, what a swindler LOL)
I agreed to meet him after work. of course, things moved quite quickly but as soon as I met him, shaking like a leaf, there was this familiar feeling, this feeling, that oddly enough, I have later learned stemmed from childhood and a few other adult relationships and friendships that I had lost along the way. this was the start of everything.
we kept in touch nearly daily for what felt like one of the shortest times of my life and when I finally pinpointed the feeling that I had when I was with him, he was gone. grieving a person who is still alive is one of the worst heart shattering things to go thru.
the feeling? I felt safe. I had spent nearly 15 years with someone that I did not feel safe with. I had fifteen years of nights that I fell asleep terrified and wondered if he would do something erratic in the night - there were times he would wake me up by screaming in my face. his temper was pure rage he was unpredictable. even after all of those years, I couldn't predict what the next day would bring, sometimes the next hour. some nights I wondered if i'd wake up in the morning.
I didn't realize the feeling I was experiencing with the swindler (ha!) was safety until I started to experience it with another person. I finally filed for divorce, threw him out of the house and forged my way thru.
lots of days are still tumultuous, raising teenagers alone is not for the weak. sometimes I feel like I'm healing, sometimes I feel like I'm falling apart at the seams. my shoulders have carried a lot for me throughout my life thru the layers of my lore, but they are starting to weaken, and feeling heavy. one moment I feel like I have my arms wrapped around things and have it all together and the next I feel like i've dropped all of it and it's scattered across the floor. sometimes it's the shards of my broken heart and sometimes, it's the weight of the universe.
even though we don't keep in touch like we used to and I haven't seen him for a few years now, I am still forever indebted to him for igniting that feeling.
<3 thank you, to those who I feel safe with now - for keeping that safety fire burning, for following thru on their words. I am not certain i'd have made it this far without you.
xoxo
...my bed or outside under the full moon 🌝 ♥️
stress, tension, frustration, grief have all taken a grave toll on me. i am not sweet or succulent or anything in between.
instead, maybe i am a giant tumbleweed on fire? potentially an accurate description.
everything is so built up my sleep is a disaster, i'm running from one thing to the next, i've had a headache for three days and two nights.
tonight my head is pounding, my heart is racing but slow and sinking.
small bouts of a rubber crop on my thigh as hard as i can swing, i can feel the small bursts of beauty in the dark. it stings and it tingles and i can feel everything relax and then goosebumps.
my headache is easing up, my shoulders are almost loose. i can feel the release in some parts of my body but never as many as when you are holding the handle. being shamed for self-harm, i carry so much guilt and embarrassment when i am the one who has done the deed.
thank you, from the bottom of my heart
if she loved you, she made sure you knew in ways without saying it. because she couldn't say it anymore without her voice shaking and cracking.
she loved so much that she let it kill her.
