i'm just having a bad day.
right?
It's just a bad day.
tomorrow will be better.
no one teaches you how to deal with heartbreak (grief) or feelings so huge you feel like your eyes are going to overspill every time you blink. not feeling like you have anyone you can call in this single moment at any time of the day that can talk you out of the dark, bring you back to the light, hold on to something for you so that life isn't just so damn heavy. (I need to find more lighthouses)
i'm supposed to start therapy in a week. one week from today.
I would be lying if I didn't say that i'm terrified. absolutely terrified. It's funny what you're afraid of, especially when you're usually the first to jump.
What if I fall? Oh, but my darling, what if you fly?
i'm afraid of falling again. falling, failing, all the same, eh? speaking of...
I feel like i'm failing. I know i'm not, I have healthy children, a roof over my head & most of my bills paid, all things that I should be thankful for. i've apologized to all of my children several times today. they've brought up several things i've forgotten and several things I remember but haven't gotten to yet because i'm juggling so many things myself. i want to make them proud. I want them to know that I am here for them, that I adore them more than anything i've ever adored in my entire life and I wish every second of every single day I could rewind time - if only - i'd rewind it to all of my favorite parts.
is that death? is that what happens when you fall? do you get to rewind into the different phases of your life and replay the moments you loved the most? one can only hope. does death finally feel like home? do you finally feel at rest? or does it just continue on the other side? is there another side? I suppose that's a conversation for another day.
bad day. just a bad day. my mind is not being kind to me today, I even told myself I didn't deserve to eat (is this anorexia? even in an overweight person?) (even with t2d - even more so because food is how I got here) - all I've had was a handful of pills, caffeine and nicotine. and all day long, nagging over and over, you'd be less damaging if you weren't here
i know, I know, I know. it would be worse. it has to be because if I didn't say that over and over, screaming at myself in my own head, my own heart, I wouldn't be here now. they're keeping me here, even though they're at awkward ages and it feels tense here sometimes, they're still keeping me here. without them I am nothing, nothing at all.
(and i'm so worried that it is too heavy to put on them)
what is more distressing, having your mom in an urn on the coffee table or having one that needs you to keep her afloat?