a masochists memoir

I asked you what time you'd be there - I know it's your favorite place and you frequent the weekend mornings there.  you said early, I said perfect, we won't be there until later.

...except you were there.  with your wife.  and you called me out by name to say hi on my way to the bathroom.  you don't know this but I went in to pee and ended up throwing everything up.  all of my breakfast I don't normally eat.  I heard someone come in, I stayed in the stall, scared to death, holding my breath just in case.  I waited until they left, cleaned myself up - still nervous, I walked out of the bathroom and thank goodness your waitress was asking you both how things were.  I walked quickly back to my table, got my boys - paid our bill and got out of the parking lot as fast as I could, hoping she wouldn't see what kind of car I drove. 

I have so many questions.  why did you call me out by name - you know she doesn't like me, you know i'm anxious, you had a smirk that looked like you were getting off about it right there at the table.  is this what this is?  just using me as some sort of competition that I want nothing to do with - I am in competition with no one but myself.  and even that is sketchy.  I don't think you'd ever be honest with me about your intentions.  I've asked over and over, I gave you an out and you didn't take it, why am I entertaining this? 

i'm tired of being the backup option - I gave you an out and you didn't take it. 

I'm taking a blade to my old tattoo
I'm draining the blood between me and you
I'm taking a blade to my own skin

I don't know if i'm letting anyone ever touch me again.

I was an idiot one day.  420 in the afternoon completely blasted off to space and I'm going to tell you I had an itch that needed scratched, just something quick, easy & would definitely get the job done.  someone who had figured out my body pretty quickly prior that although he's completely horrendous and awful for me, I was looking to get off, not to be held, so it didn't matter right?  I needed fucked, not some hoity toity gentle prude prick who didn't know where the spot was and what I needed.  

so I called him.  I'd never called him this entire time we've been "acquainted" - first social media, then sms, never voice call.  he actually picked up and sounded very, very surprised.  the last time we tried to hang out, we fucked each others brains out and then fought half way thru the night and I kicked him out at 3am because in that moment I knew my worth.  

I go from "Jump off a bridge"
Then I jump on that dick

anyway, he answered.  I said "hey, how are you?"  Not as blasted as you are right now! "lol, can you be here quick enough before I change my mind and tell you not to come?" Yep, see you in 10 minutes.

well, fuck.  

literally.  

he was here just as he said, within about the same amount of time, he had me completely naked without even properly greeting me with a kiss or a hug!  he just took it all off.  dropped his drawers, sat down and pointed at the floor.  I got on my knees, took my time - remembering every vein, his scent, his hands, his hips.  it didn't take long to remember and already start whispering that I wanted it.  he said no, not yet.  not yet.  grabbed a fistful of my hair - i'm a long haired curly brunette - it's even more arousing when I can feel his fingers get stuck in my curls - I know what's coming and my pussy knows it, too.  and so does my throat. 

he slams his dick all the way down.  it goes so quickly I feel like Alice falling down the rabbit hole and the world is spinning, spinning, spinning and when will I land in a puddle? he fucks my face just like he fucks my pussy and my ass, hard, fast, rough and with no remorse.  I say no, he says yes, you can do more, you can take this longer, harder, I promise. when he finally lets me breathe again, i've bitten my upper lip and he's still pulling me around by my hair and forces me on the floor.  he hits her hard, that spot, over and over until he can feel me pulsate and am about to cum - I start trying to push him out - he tells me I can't push him out and keeps going, over and over, harder, covers my nose and my mouth with one hand and his other on my throat.  my world almost goes dark, I feel like Alice again, and then everything from the inside out comes gushing, like an implosion and explosion all at the same time.

he's not done.  he's got one last stop.  he barely needs to spit on my asshole because i've just had this massive release that already soaked everything within a 2 ft radius.  I hadn't seen him for months.  hadn't had any anal besides myself with plugs and such but nothing like what he does.  it hurts.  he tells me i'm fine, i'm ok, relax, everything is okay baby, everything. he takes minimal time to start pounding that itch from that other scratch, LOL 

it's not too long before I have another implosion, explosion from that gpsot - my pussy gushes and squirts again.  he calls me out on it.  baby, you're cumming again from being fucked in the ass, yes, let it out, let it go, everything is okay, just let it feel good and let it go.  that release is there again, he spanks my ass a few times and keeps going until I can feel him, he is unapologetic and takes it as he wants it, he starts cumming in my asshole and I can feel his dick explode inside of me, he pulls out and lets the last little bit drip out his dick and into my pussy, just as if to say that he really knows he owns it when he wants it.  

we've had a few other quickies after that day.  the last one we didn't have much time and he fucked my pussy so hard that I pushed his dick out and it sounded like my water broke and it went all over my foot, his dick and balls (because I came so hard) and then he got so turned on he kept hammering until he came.  

one of the times we hung out, I told him - if I didn't think we'd fucking kill each other, I'd probably would've had you moved in by now but I know if we live together, one of us is not going to make it and I have children to think about, lbvs! he looked taken aback by that comment, I could see it turned the hamster wheel in his brain.  I kind of wonder sometimes.  i'm not sure i'm ready to date anyway.  I have no idea what i'm doing.  i'm fucking this dude who knows how to scratch my itch, conversing with a married man when his wife has asked him not to speak to me and another dynamic that I may write about another day. 

but today, today was an alright day.  I made it thru another week.  I'm alive, i'm well, i'm a little less horny but still would have taken it again today, a little more annoyed (24 hours+ nicotine free) but i'm well.  

i'm just having a bad day. 

right? 

It's just a bad day.

tomorrow will be better.

no one teaches you how to deal with heartbreak (grief) or feelings so huge you feel like your eyes are going to overspill every time you blink. not feeling like you have anyone you can call in this single moment at any time of the day that can talk you out of the dark, bring you back to the light, hold on to something for you so that life isn't just so damn heavy. (I need to find more lighthouses)

i'm supposed to start therapy in a week.  one week from today.  

I would be lying if I didn't say that i'm terrified.  absolutely terrified.  It's funny what you're afraid of, especially when you're usually the first to jump.  

What if I fall? Oh, but my darling, what if you fly?

i'm afraid of falling again.  falling, failing, all the same, eh? speaking of... 

I feel like i'm failing.  I know i'm not, I have healthy children, a roof over my head & most of my bills paid, all things that I should be thankful for.  i've apologized to all of my children several times today.  they've brought up several things i've forgotten and several things I remember but haven't gotten to yet because i'm juggling so many things myself.  i want to make them proud.  I want them to know that I am here for them, that I adore them more than anything i've ever adored in my entire life and I wish every second of every single day I could rewind time - if only - i'd rewind it to all of my favorite parts.  

is that death?  is that what happens when you fall?  do you get to rewind into the different phases of your life and replay the moments you loved the most? one can only hope.  does death finally feel like home?  do you finally feel at rest?  or does it just continue on the other side?  is there another side? I suppose that's a conversation for another day. 

bad day.  just a bad day.  my mind is not being kind to me today, I even told myself I didn't deserve to eat (is this anorexia? even in an overweight person?) (even with t2d - even more so because food is how I got here) - all I've had was a handful of pills, caffeine and nicotine.  and all day long, nagging over and over, you'd be less damaging if you weren't here

i know, I know, I know.  it would be worse.  it has to be because if I didn't say that over and over, screaming at myself in my own head, my own heart, I wouldn't be here now.  they're keeping me here, even though they're at awkward ages and it feels tense here sometimes, they're still keeping me here.  without them I am nothing, nothing at all.

(and i'm so worried that it is too heavy to put on them)

what is more distressing, having your mom in an urn on the coffee table or having one that needs you to keep her afloat?

I told him to tell you to call.  I shouldn't have but I was partying alone on a Friday night and then the anger ignited.  it started and wouldn't stop, I wanted to call and tell you what a pussy you are and ask you what the fuck was your problem. 

i'm glad you didn't call Friday night, but I almost wish I hadn't asked for you to call at all. 

i'm better than this.  i need to hold on to that i'm too good to be someone's backup plan or second option - i'm too good to be entertaining someone that is uncertain of me and has proven it several times. someone who has said that he's never lied to me but most certainly has sporadically.  

I am full of good - full of love - it's spilling over and i'm trying to contain it.  It's time to come to the realization that sometimes it's better to decide that the love you've given is enough.  you've loved them thru it, maybe they loved me thru it, but at some point it's just madness to keep going. 

I want to be done.  I want to and I need to. 

still - in spite of all of that, I truly wanted to love you longer.

would you? 

i'm not certain that I do, I know that i'd probably screw it up a lot but i'd sure try my damnedest.  

I often wonder but i'd never say.  

i am certain that is where my love for him stemmed, he reminded me of you.  </3

why are you obsessed with me? 

I paused, too long... uh, hello? ok? are you still there? 

I don't think i've ever been more offended at something someone called my love. it hurt, but it hurt like the bruise that has been poked over and over again... that pain that just bleeds internally until it seeps out your eyes, down your cheeks, with heaves, sobs and screams.  it erupts one day when you're in the middle of trying to make your brain shut up with the window down and the cold air stinging your voice because you've been singing that same song over and over again at full blast. 

I wasn't obsessed with him.  was I in love with him?  I am not sure and at that moment I wanted to say so.  but it was too real and raw to reply with that on what I thought was an offensive question.  

it took me a while.  but I finally scribbled it all down - an entire college ruled page, everything I wanted to tell him and waited for his call.  

I read him the whole thing with a shaky voice, a chicken bone in my throat and pinching the side of my thigh because I had to have some other pain distract from the one in my heart. 

and at the end, all he said was that he understood, wished me well and hung up the phone.

he moves on with his life but i still think of him every single day.  I thought it would dissipate but instead it just seeps farther and farther from my heart to my toes. 

i'm starting to think that anyone who is in love or gives love a chance again - we're all masochists.  in the end, it all ends anyway right?  love is supposed to bring you home, I think i'll stick with traveling alone, maybe isolation is the best option.

especially if my love is going to be confused with obsession. 

i'm obsessed with my dogs, not you.

you -

you -

I loved you.  I wanted to take care of you, wash your back, be on your lap whenever possible, adore you, hold you, hug you, make that stupid bread you love, home cooked meals, clean clothes, singing songs, dances in the kitchen, no loneliness in the night and the softest spot to land.

I don't want to hear from you today. I know I won't, just making sure the universe knows not to route your call this way.

I've been in and out of therapy since I was a teen. I've had all kinds of experiences and things said over the years - one of my favorites was "what people think of me is none of my business" I still struggle with this. i think it's rooted into my core and not something I'll ever completely be on solid ground for. 

this last go with a therapist didn't go well. initially, it was great, we meshed well, I could talk to him about some things but hadn't really had the chance to open up to him, before it came crashing down and came to an end. 

for Christmas to myself, I scheduled an appointment to start therapy over again with a new person. someone new to get comfortable enough to explain the deepest rotten roots. someone new to trust. 

my medication practitioner suggested therapy, EMDR, TMS or ketamine therapy. I decided maybe it was time to start somewhere. 

it doesn't feel like Christmas.  it doesn't feel like anything really, just mostly motions from one thought or one thing to the next, one minute i'm soaring the next i'm devastated and questioning everyone and everything.  every, single, one and every, single, thing. 

when you've built trust and a friendship, and you believe that you're on steady ground, that maybe, just maybe you can believe someone this time.  and then one day, it starts to collapse.  the timeline is never certain, but it, in fact, consistently happens.  the weight starts those cracks in the foundation - cracks in the foundation are not as good as the others that you can see the light thru.  

i've been alone long enough that i've gained some experience. recognizing things I didn't before.  things that have probably been happening all along but I was too far gone to comprehend that i'd get here.  not now.  not with. not with this one. i'm not even sure how to approach it.  

i'm tired of being alone.  I realize everyone needs and some want to be alone, but I feel useless at times.  I have no one to take care of even though I certainly have enough to take care of, I don't have warm arms wrapped around me.  I'll never forget how that felt.  

oh bukowski, how you make me ache

my phone rang last night.  around 9p, which is slightly late for someone who doesn't generally get phone calls at that hour. I never deleted his number.  I couldn't.  He is a Noah (reference from the notebook, one that you know you'll always love) - that one that ignited that safe feeling - and I couldn't bring myself to delete his number out of my phone even though I knew i wouldn't call.  at first I didn't know what to do.  I wasn't sure if I should answer, was it really him?  it has been at least almost 2 years since I heard his voice.  

hello?
are you married yet?

my heart fluttered and dropped at a rapid pace all at the same time - LOL, no, absolutely not. 

I wish I could say I was on my way. I am very surprised no one has snatched you up yet.

he said i'd been coming across his mind a lot lately which I found surprising with him on the other side of the country, no consistent communication, just an Instagram account we would occasionally check in with each other on.  

you probably need a new shirt by now, don't ya?  that one I gave ya has got to be smelling, LOL 

i eventually had to wash it but it still smells like you, feels like you, still has me chasing that high of how i felt when i was with you.

i've missed you. 

i missed you more

i missed you the more better mostest

never <3   

fuck you and eat shit, universe