I didn't have a terrible childhood. I don't remember a lot of it but the memories I have are mostly okay.
things didn't get really ugly until jr high when I started cutting my shins and wearing knee socks. I wasn't sure why everything was so heavy but I knew that made it lighter.
from there i started doing it on my arms and wearing long sleeve shirts.
and then someone came along, I thought of him as one of those life rings you see on tug boats. until the waves got stronger and he didn't want to be my friend anymore. so he took what he wanted - he raped me in the basement of his parents church. my hair got caught on the castors of the tables. I often wonder if my hair would still be there today if I was brave enough to look. he pulled the life ring and never answered the phone for me again.
I turned myself into a human ashtray. id put my cigarettes out on my arms mostly, occasionally my thighs. I still sliced and diced and tried to cut every last horrible heavy thing out of me.
I scared my mom. I scared her, I tested her, I frightened the fuck out of her. right before her eyes, this sweet tiny dancer had turned into a bloody mess. literally.
one night I took a bunch of pills. told one person and who did they call? my mom.
I scared her again and I feel regret as a mother now myself, that I gave her that fear. she cried all the way to the hospital, screaming my name over and over to keep me awake until we got there.
yet again, my mom saved my life. I don't know how to thank someone for saving your life over and over again.
she taught me different coping mechanisms, how to shove feelings down or scream them into the void, isolation until you make it to the other side.
how to make pizza dough, homemade egg noodles and perfect chocolate chip cookies.
I won't say she's perfect, but she's mine. unfortunately, I know recently I don't call or see her often enough but I'm in that isolation mode she taught me and I'm trying to make it to the other side. some days are better than others.
I just hope it's not too late to call my mom so she can save me, again. I'll never stop needing my mom.