my ex-husband and I had just opened up our marriage. he told me about the dirty internet world - I'd never watched porn, never been in any anonymous "dirty" internet chats, apps, etc. i downloaded one and he added me to a group where he already knew people. of course, it sparked my curiosity and I joined quite a few groups. I had no idea if any of the private messages I was receiving even had a real person behind them.
on a slow day at work, I decided to look thru them, just to see what these messages actually said and if the person looked real. there ended up being ONE, lol, that I replied to.
FUCK!
what if I fall? Oh, but my darling, what if you fly?
he wanted to come thru town and meet me. ME, lol! and the only reason I replied to him was because of the comments he made about my curly hair and how my eyes were so beautiful, hazel green and reminded him of fall in the south. (this is where the cynical part of me that would say, what a swindler LOL)
I agreed to meet him after work. of course, things moved quite quickly but as soon as I met him, shaking like a leaf, there was this familiar feeling, this feeling, that oddly enough, I have later learned stemmed from childhood and a few other adult relationships and friendships that I had lost along the way. this was the start of everything.
we kept in touch nearly daily for what felt like one of the shortest times of my life and when I finally pinpointed the feeling that I had when I was with him, he was gone. grieving a person who is still alive is one of the worst heart shattering things to go thru.
the feeling? I felt safe. I had spent nearly 15 years with someone that I did not feel safe with. I had fifteen years of nights that I fell asleep terrified and wondered if he would do something erratic in the night - there were times he would wake me up by screaming in my face. his temper was pure rage he was unpredictable. even after all of those years, I couldn't predict what the next day would bring, sometimes the next hour. some nights I wondered if i'd wake up in the morning.
I didn't realize the feeling I was experiencing with the swindler (ha!) was safety until I started to experience it with another person. I finally filed for divorce, threw him out of the house and forged my way thru.
lots of days are still tumultuous, raising teenagers alone is not for the weak. sometimes I feel like I'm healing, sometimes I feel like I'm falling apart at the seams. my shoulders have carried a lot for me throughout my life thru the layers of my lore, but they are starting to weaken, and feeling heavy. one moment I feel like I have my arms wrapped around things and have it all together and the next I feel like i've dropped all of it and it's scattered across the floor. sometimes it's the shards of my broken heart and sometimes, it's the weight of the universe.
even though we don't keep in touch like we used to and I haven't seen him for a few years now, I am still forever indebted to him for igniting that feeling.
<3 thank you, to those who I feel safe with now - for keeping that safety fire burning, for following thru on their words. I am not certain i'd have made it this far without you.
xoxo