some just don't know the value of a dollar. damned if you do and damned if you don't.
I used to take hundreds of nudes. all angles, cheat sheet and video, pause and screenshot. free of charge of course, because my self esteem is normally in the garbage, LOL anyway, I took all of these, shared them in chat groups, websites, attempted OF, made a whole nickel off of pornhub. sometimes sent whatever was asked for, even if I didn't like how I looked. I found the cruelty of the internet so incredibly heartbreaking - called names, blocked, ghosted - not all of course, quite a few have been very kind, some jaw dropping comments - flattering, shocking, unbelievably love bombed (even with good intentions ;))
those comments fed me. fed me a lot of bullshit. the ones along the way (swindlers!) who said I was so beautiful, the ones who sought after pictures, they'd disappear eventually, after using me as their playboy - their sockpuppet, sometimes using me for their own porn star - for their own delight - and then they'd be gone. gone way before i'd planned, (I thought i had more time)! i wasn't looking at their pictures or using them for their body or for my own delight. I was memorizing the way they smelled with my eyes closed, what they laughed at or why they laughed at it and how laughing felt with them, if I could hear their voice echo in my mind during time apart.
I was searching for their depth thru their eyes and their heart. i couldn't see it at the time - the universe saying, hey, you're not sinking quickly here, you've gotta tread water for now, drowning is not allowed, watch for the buoys, search for the lighthouses, listen for the beacons.
i have stumbled my way thru this, i've found the buoys, the lighthouse - (where would I be if I hadn't?) - the beacons, I sing along as loud as I can until I can feel my heart gasping for breath and it runs out from head to toe. sometimes I listen to the same songs over and over again because I haven't stopped hurting from whatever i've connected the dots with.
i'm tired boss. all of it - the crying, the wondering, the singing. I sent the pictures and then it was quiet. I don't know what to do with the quiet other than worry the fuck out of it. today - more quiet - but also why am I letting this happen to myself? I gave him honest answers. he asked for pictures. I sent the pictures. I told him he had a soft spot to land and he's still not here. he makes his own choices and I make mine. and this time I think I need to choose me.