since my divorce, I'm rearranging, going room by room. making places that once felt ugly, awful and vile - making them my own, changing the scenery so happy feelings come. sitting amongst his things is not healthy for me. he says soon he will take the rest of his things. soon, for three years.
back to my sanctuary. I've found the quiet, sometimes it's deafening but not as deafening as his screaming rants. sometimes the only thing I feel like I'm missing is someone warm and safe in my bed. but again, this sanctuary. how can I ever let someone back in again?
I think the contemplating I've done today, the thoughts swimming, the man who asked for nudes finally called. no mention, phone cut out, no return phone call until he was almost out of time.
...I have to build the tallest walls tonight. listening to the clock, tick tock tick tock, like some sort of euphemism that the universe is telling me. time never stops until you're dead and in the ground.
I'm not waiting anymore. I'm not going to answer the phone when he calls again. I will be nothing but a thing of the past, a distant memory, his Madeline on a high road.
She's bound to come back and haunt you forever/ There's ghosts in the windows and wall/ I'm waitin' by the telephone all fucking night/ Someone that ain't ever gonna call