it doesn't feel like Christmas. it doesn't feel like anything really, just mostly motions from one thought or one thing to the next, one minute i'm soaring the next i'm devastated and questioning everyone and everything. every, single, one and every, single, thing.
when you've built trust and a friendship, and you believe that you're on steady ground, that maybe, just maybe you can believe someone this time. and then one day, it starts to collapse. the timeline is never certain, but it, in fact, consistently happens. the weight starts those cracks in the foundation - cracks in the foundation are not as good as the others that you can see the light thru.
i've been alone long enough that i've gained some experience. recognizing things I didn't before. things that have probably been happening all along but I was too far gone to comprehend that i'd get here. not now. not with. not with this one. i'm not even sure how to approach it.
i'm tired of being alone. I realize everyone needs and some want to be alone, but I feel useless at times. I have no one to take care of even though I certainly have enough to take care of, I don't have warm arms wrapped around me. I'll never forget how that felt.