why are you obsessed with me?
I paused, too long... uh, hello? ok? are you still there?
I don't think i've ever been more offended at something someone called my love. it hurt, but it hurt like the bruise that has been poked over and over again... that pain that just bleeds internally until it seeps out your eyes, down your cheeks, with heaves, sobs and screams. it erupts one day when you're in the middle of trying to make your brain shut up with the window down and the cold air stinging your voice because you've been singing that same song over and over again at full blast.
I wasn't obsessed with him. was I in love with him? I am not sure and at that moment I wanted to say so. but it was too real and raw to reply with that on what I thought was an offensive question.
it took me a while. but I finally scribbled it all down - an entire college ruled page, everything I wanted to tell him and waited for his call.
I read him the whole thing with a shaky voice, a chicken bone in my throat and pinching the side of my thigh because I had to have some other pain distract from the one in my heart.
and at the end, all he said was that he understood, wished me well and hung up the phone.
he moves on with his life but i still think of him every single day. I thought it would dissipate but instead it just seeps farther and farther from my heart to my toes.
i'm starting to think that anyone who is in love or gives love a chance again - we're all masochists. in the end, it all ends anyway right? love is supposed to bring you home, I think i'll stick with traveling alone, maybe isolation is the best option.
especially if my love is going to be confused with obsession.
i'm obsessed with my dogs, not you.
you -
you -
I loved you. I wanted to take care of you, wash your back, be on your lap whenever possible, adore you, hold you, hug you, make that stupid bread you love, home cooked meals, clean clothes, singing songs, dances in the kitchen, no loneliness in the night and the softest spot to land.
I don't want to hear from you today. I know I won't, just making sure the universe knows not to route your call this way.