the last week has been incredibly difficult with lots and lots of turns, ups and downs, a metaphorical rollercoaster that never seems to stop. I have finally learned how to self tie a chest harness but it only holds me for so long.
I want off of this ride. I don't know how many times I have to say, please, please, please make this easier, make it just a little less than what it is, even consistency would be quaint - just a calm day in the 90s, riding bikes and playing in the creek. calling to the universe, screaming at the sky, send some help.
Tuesday, instead of my therapist falling asleep like the last guy, he was 20 minutes late. 20 minutes I could have still been punched in and working. and then he still ended the visit at the same time, i'm sure because he had appointments behind me. i'm struggling here, I like him, I want to trust him, but my gut just keeps scratching me. nagging. something's off about him, I don't know what it is yet. do I keep paying to find out? or do i just go on the run again and figure it'll catch up to me after i'm gone?
Wednesday, my oldest child announced at the dinner table - an appointment - for something hugely life changing, I had to meet it with disdain - she can't seem to take her mental health medication but thinks that she can handle something so hugely life changing? where is her navigation? her compass?
Thursday, my ex called. wanted to know if the school had gotten a hold of me. no, they hadn't. he said that they tried to call me 3 times. our 12 year old had searched on his school computer for ways to commit suicide. I wanted to collapse and let the dirt swallow me before I wanted to go to that building alone. of course, I did. I went straight to the school, crying, blubbering stupid, one would probably say immature, but emotions are hard to control when i'm the one behind the wheel of this goddamn tug boat. I picked him up, I brought him home, I fired their therapist with anger in full force.
I should have told the kids that we were staying home that night. instead we went to the grocery store to get flowers for friends for Valentine's day. at some point in time, there ended up a conversation between the kids and their dad, with my middle child telling him that all he knows how to do is scream and pay child support. my middle says he never wants to talk to him again, I can see in his eyes, he's upset, he's sinking. he makes me go back inside the store - he doesn't want me to see him this way and he wants the conversation to be private. I kept waiting. and waiting some more. finally, I went out and I didn't even let him finish what he was saying when I took the phone out of his hand and told my ex that we were at the grocery store and no longer having a discussion right now, it was terrifying, every single time I stand up to him. i had reached out to two friends I thought might be in the area to help come ground me, ones that say, if you need me, call me. I called but neither answered. more life vests gone.
I was up several times thru the night making sure they were all still breathing, 127, 244, 408, 459 I got up for the day. finally Friday. finally the weekend, finally time to relax and spend time with family and friends.
my oldest broke curfew and didn't show up on valentines morning, my mom mocked my hair. I had a friend that wanted to come and see me - something out of the ordinary, I don't hear from him often. I had a really great time with him and he took me out for breakfast Sunday morning.
i'm out for breakfast and dude that ghosted me for a month pulls at the back of my hair and runs off, he thinks he's funny. I got a message from him later, apologizing over and over for his absence, says he has missed me, all the words I've wanted to hear.
I should probably have told him to fuck off. I still can and I still probably should. today, insulting "hypothetical" questions, like am I going to be able to "handle" myself in a monogamous relationship?
well. you know what? fuck you. fuck you. fuck you. and fuck you too. fuck all of you. every single one of you and if you think i'm talking about you then you're probably right because you've said it too.
I am still tired. i'm not sure if anything or anyone is right or meant for me right now. I feel stuck - like i'm spinning my wheels. I don't feel like I really matter to anyone - even sometimes to my kids - I feel like I need to isolate myself until I figure out how to matter to myself as much as other people matter to me. I try to do right by everyone and it hurts when its not returned. I view the way people treat me as my self worth when I very well know that it should be the other way around.
at the end of the day, when i'm trying to fall asleep, every single night I decide i'm garbage because everyone, eventually, will throw me away.