i am tired of sorting feelings. of sorting laundry. of sorting anything much. i've told a lot of people off lately. you, I can't. i've never had anyone stick around this long - not a new adult life friend. I am still anxious about you leaving me. of you disappearing, off the grid, what if you go back, what if you don't stay, what if you make the decision to go? are you going to leave me here, without you? what will happen? what will be the driver? what if I want to go too?
you took the time to get to know me as a person, i'm sure I scared the shit out of you initially. I could tell you were intrigued by me, my lifestyle, my everything. it started slow, but steady. I couldn't get you to meet me too quickly. I would have met you the same day but I sensed what I thought was apprehension on your side, and of course, rightfully so.
finally, we got something set up to meet. I kept track, for quite some time, what dates we'd seen each other. I only kept track the first year or so, until I felt comfortable that you'd come back because clearly, you showed up the first time, May 1st. I saw you again after the 4th of July. again August 13th, again October 16th, another october 30th, and the last I wrote was December 11th.
on May 1st, I met you at my favorite place to cry. I didn't cry though, you changed the narrative. you got in and sat with me and we talked. for quite some time. you promised me a motorcycle ride and i'd never been on one. it was a bucket list thing (thank you for helping me check that one off!) it was so cold, but I loved every single second of it. and subsequent ride? maybe rides, i'm not entirely sure. either way, I never, ever, ever not even the first time I met you and I got on the back, felt scared. I am not scared when I know I have you or when i'm with you. you can tell me every single demon you have, every sadistic thought or idea and at the end of the day, I would still look to you.
I didn't know at the time that my marriage shouldn't have been what it was. I didn't know that someone else would tell me, no, this is not normal, this is not how it should be. I used to record my ex husband and i's fights. I'd record them because he would say things and later say he never said them. but i'd listen to every single word, over and over again and even made myself stenograph them, because I thought seeing what he was saying without his tone - just his plain words on paper. I finally sent you a clip of what was happening here. I needed someone else to hear it and tell me, is this how it is supposed to be? is this how the rest of my life is going to be? will it ever be quiet?
you said something along the lines of oh fuck no, or oh hell no, he should not be screaming at you that way. in front of the kids - one day, he threw a house key at me, said to get his name off of this fucking house and my youngest said he'd have it be his house key to comfort me. my ex would put holes in walls, break glass out of windows, bang his head on the side of the garage until there was blood, throw chairs at me, spit in my face. one day he drove erratically with me and our 3 babies in the back - only 7, 4 & 1. I had to call 911 to have the police pull him over so I could drive.
I never saw my parents fight. ever. my mom said that she grew up with parents fighting and that she wasn't going to have that for her children. so when the yelling started, when I was pregnant with our oldest and he threw a set of car keys in my face, I thought well, maybe that's how normal people fight. maybe my parents were an anomaly. I knew my grandparents fought. but i'd never seen any set of parents fight. a therapist told me once, I didn't know how to handle it so I took all of the abuse he put out - that I didn't know how to fight because i'd never seen it, never taught the skills, if you will.
I thought everything was always my fault. he called me dumb. he told me who to vote for - said that I was "particularly uneducated" in that department. he wouldn't let me not vote at all - it caused a huge fight. I got to where I did what I was told when I was told to do it and believe every single word he ever said about me.
back to you. you. you told me that I was smart. that I was kind. a good person. and that I deserved better. you convinced me that I was all of those things, things that I hadn't been told by a man in over 16 years. I eventually figured out a way to get him to head out of state to stay with his brother for a while - once he was halfway across the country, I filed for divorce. I was terrified to do it on my own. absolutely scared. but you assured me. i'd be okay. promised i'd be okay. when I was spinning out of control during the whole process, crying so many tears I couldn't even begin to count them, you listened to every single one of them fall. you didn't judge me when I cried so hard I snorted or had snot running down my face. you were gentle with me emotionally and mentally. supported me and spent hours on the phone. I'd cry, the past would come out of my mouth and you'd correct it - you still do, even today, I said I was dumb and you told me to get that shit out of my head right now. you brought me up. and still do. I miss you in between times. I miss you beating the emotions, frustrations, the "I need an attitude adjustment" squirm that burns inside of me, you'd beat it out of me and i'd feel relief. like euphoria. shrooms without visuals, a body high, time travels. and to rub each and every part of me that was bruised as I fell asleep. maybe some kind of subspace, even though I know I go somewhere else and I forget any and all of everything when you're using the paddle or the cane, your belt, or whatever you've chosen for the day -
you always ask what I want - I want your dark because you are my light.
I need wherever it is that I go when I am with you. I want to be there, not here. not here alone, tonight, in my cold bed, crying myself to sleep and blaring ice road truckers so that the kids don't hear me. you said i'll find him someday, I think I already have. how I will ever move on, i'm not certain, I know I need to, i've said too much lately. i've let so much of me out that I am afraid that you will decide that its time and that this chapter must be closed and I am simply devastated at the thought.
I hope I sleep tonight.
So if leavin' comes to stayin' and you walk yourself away
Leave knowin' that no-one could love you more than me