The Inner Workings of A Serial Submissive

 She can be perfect in her positions and words.  She can jump at every command. She can perform every action quickly and on cue. But what moves a sub to be what You need her to be? What unseen qualities does she possess and ultimately give to You that makes the seen and tangible so special?

 her WILLINGNESS for You is in the work that she puts into her tasks.

her PASSION for You is captured  in the pictures that she sends.

her COMMUNICATION with You is written in her journal.

her SELFLESSNESS for You is on display in her kneeling.

her PATIENCE for You is tested in the way she waits for Your timing.

her COMMITMENT for You is proven when the rough patches appear. 

her TRUST for You is reflected back ten fold when You show her Your trust in her.

These are those precious and unseen special qualities that she gives to You as her Dominant.   She will give You her all if You let her. 

It has been brought to my attention that I might greatly benefit from some meditation.

Uuummmm, problem…..

this might help!

“Looks like you could hang something heavy off of this. It was probably for a heavy bag. The previous owner was probably into fitness.” Pete said. “I only met him once when we signed the papers for me to purchase the house.  He didn’t look like a muscled up guy.” I replied. Pete had pulled out his measuring tape and was jotting down some notes. We set a time and date for him to start the room. He was going to build some walls and close in a decent sized space to make a nice workout room for me.  The ring was forgotten.

 The room had been coming along nicely. I had begun the clean up of that corner of the basement and was getting excited to be able to paint and decorate it. I had a whole Pinterest board filled with ideas, expensive ideas.  I was chuckling to myself as I was elbows deep in sudsy water in the kitchen sink as Pete plodded up the steps “Hey, did you know that you have a ton of shit in the back part of the basement?”

“Ugh, I know. It’s from the previous owner. He left it and I haven’t had a chance to go through it all.” I grumbled. “Wanna help me bring it up and pitch it? You never know, there may be something in there that’s valuable and I’ll let you keep it.”

“I doubt that there is anything in that pile that I would ever want.” he laughingly said.

“Then hush up about it, I’ll get around to it one of these days.” I shot back.

Day two and Pete had put in the can lights and framed up the room.  He was about to start on the drywall and needed a hand. “Hey, come help for a minute!”, he yelled up the stairs. I trotted down to give him a hand. “Batewie…..batewie….batewie!”, he pointed as he called out with a mouth full of screws. Each time he tried to talk, the louder he got and the more I giggled.  I knew what he was asking for, but it was fun to play like I didn't. He was pointing at the battery on the charging station that was sitting on a wooden box left behind.  As I grabbed the battery, it stuck to the charger and I picked the whole thing up. Mid air the base of the charger fell, hitting the lid of the box and knocked the whole thing over.  

“Holy shit!” popped out of my mouth as I peered down at the contents that had spilled out around my feet. There were chains and leather straps and what looked like cuffs.  My face instantly felt hot.  Before I could pick it up or scoot it into hiding, Pete rounded the skeleton of a wall and barked “What the hell is taking so……..hey, whatcha got there!” I whipped around to face him and couldn’t talk.  He bent down and started sorting through the items in silence as I stood stone still watching. He stood up and was holding  a very worn leather collar. It looked soft and the urge to reach out and touch it was too much.  “I think I know what that hook is for now.”, he said as he locked eyes with me.

With my beach vacation coming up in June, and the weather being bad this winter and not allowing me to get out and walk, I decided to make a large purchase of a recumbent bike.

I didn’t realize just how big this thing was until it got  delivered.  I didn't want it taking up room in my living room or bedroom, so I took it down to the basement piece by piece to put it together down there. The one light bulb, casting stark shadows, gave an eerie appearance. The silence, only broken by the clanging noises that I was making, hung heavily in the air. As I looked around, I kept asking myself if I would really come down here to work out. The answer was a resounding NO! 

As with most of my projects, one thing always leads to another.  I began to think of ways to make the space more pleasant and before I knew it, I had drawn up plans to semi finish the room. I have a handy man that lived about a block away and I’d used him on several projects on the outside of the house and yard.  He was quick and efficient and always on the inexpensive side. I always gave him a good tip when I paid him because he deserved it and I thought it might make my time on his waitlist shorter if I ever needed his help again. 

“I have an idea!” is always the text I send when I want Pete to help with projects. 

 “What now? lol”, was his reply. I have come up with some doozies for ideas that he has always miraculously turned into reality.

“Come and see for yourself.” was all I answered.  

“Give me a few minutes and I’ll be there. I’m just finishing up at ‘ol Ned’s house. I’ll swing by before I go home for the night.” I could picture Pete laughing as he typed that out. 

Just like he said, a few minutes later he was knocking on my door.  He was covered in sawdust and smelled like he had been working hard all day. I noticed that he took his shoes off at the door without being asked as he walked in. Good manners and quick service!   “Whatcha got for me?” he asked.  “Walk this way”, I sang as I waved him towards the basement stairs. He always had music blaring on the boombox of a radio and it only played old rock. Aerosmith was one of the most played bands. Pete laughed that contagious belly laugh as he rapidly ate up the distance to where I was..  

When we reached the base of the stairs I turned to tell him what my thoughts were and I about bumped into him. I hadn’t realized that he was so close to me.  I quickly moved back a few steps to give us a more comfortable personal space.  I hadn’t noticed before now just how large a presence Pete had.  He was only five or six inches taller than me, but he had a way of filling up the room.  As I spilled my plans to him, he nodded and asked questions. Then he began to give his suggestions as to how to make the large, bleak area into a smaller and brighter room.  I was lost in thought when he asked, “what is this for?”. 

 I turned to look at what he was pointing at. There on the ceiling was an eye bolt with a metal ring attached.  It was large and thick and securely screwed into one of the joists. How had I never noticed it before now? “I…I don’t know what that is.” I stammered. Pete reached up and touched the ring……

I was drawn to his charismatic writing. He seemed witty and his words could form a picture of the scene in my head. I began liking his posts and finally emailed him about one of them that was of particular interest to me. We became almost inseparable from the beginning. From the moment we woke, till we went to bed, we messaged and texted.

I asked him to send me a picture of him putting his pinky finger in his left ear and I gave him 5 minutes to do it.  He thought I was crazy but did it, I sent him a silly picture too and he started calling me his Funny Face.  That became my nickname and we sent silly faces to each other daily through the whole dynamic.

We were sponges about each other's information. I knew him like the back of my hand, as he knew me.  We set up routines and tasks and shared files. We had music playlists and so many ways of being connected. We blogged about our dynamic and about each other. We were so happy for a long time and were not afraid to tell everyone. 

We had no secrets from each other. He knew who my friends were and we told each other who we talked to.  We laughed when he got hit on by a sub that really wasn’t so much of a friend to me any more.  He told me that he turned her down and that he blocked her.  I believed him of course, because why wouldn’t I?   Life went on.

It’s funny how the truth always has a way of surfacing, and it always does. This sub began to send me screenshots of their conversations after he had “blocked” her. Not only had he not blocked her, but he had begun playing with her and using her Lush, one time being moments before he told me good night and that he loved me.   

He didn’t deny it, but he didn’t really apologize either.  I think that he was stunned that he had gotten caught. His only real excuse was that he was trying to show me that this sub was not my friend and just how far she would go to hurt me. For the record, in case anyone is worried, I was never concerned about her hurting me or if she was truly my friend any more. She never crossed my mind. 

Lessons learned from Max:

1 A stroked ego on a weak man can cause problems.

2 Not everyone is your friend and not all “friends” can be trusted.

3 Is an online relationship really worth it? So much can be hidden and lied about.

4 Words and actions don’t always match up.

I hate not seeing a person's eyes. It really bothers me.  He was wearing sunglasses in his profile picture and it bothered me every time I scrolled past it.  I messaged him and politely mentioned that he would look more approachable if he showed his eyes.  

We began to message and he seemed interested. He was different from the others and I let him take the lead. It began to feel like more of an interview than the small talk thing that new couples do. He asked questions, but never really gave any corresponding information as I answered. He preferred to go straight to rules and tasks and routines.  He had told me that he wanted a TPE type relationship. He had the feel of a Master more than anything with his more stern and slightly impersonal  ways. I was so new to all of this and had no idea what to do or expect. He became my first real Dom.

He had told me that his name was Devin and that he was divorced and had three young boys, two of which were twins.  That was all I really knew other than he was an officer in the Navy.  I asked if we could talk on the phone and he said that we would eventually. We never did.  As I pressed, he found himself being deployed.  He said that he understood if I wanted to end the relationship because most girls couldn't handle it. He explained that he would only be able to email while on the ship. I did have a few military friends and they backed up his story about that.   

He was now clear across the world from me and an eight hour time difference. I hated to disappoint him or hurt him, so I said that I would continue. He still never really opened up.  He was never unkind, but never sweet and caring either.  Any questions I asked were quickly and matter of factly answered, with no elaboration. This is when my mother became ill.  I was a hot mess. I was traveling back and forth every weekend to be with my parents.  It was the first time in over 6 years that I had been in my childhood home.  Work was falling apart and I needed so much support.  I would really consider what happened between us to be a form of "trauma bonding", on my part, anyway.

 He was there when I needed him as much as he could be. I poured my heart and every emotion into my emails to him. He was constant in his communication with me and I so needed that. A few months in and he told me that the ship was going silent for a few weeks to fix some type of communications and he wouldn't be able to be reached. He told me to continue writing to him and he would read it when he got back. Two days after he couldn't be reached, my mother died.  I don't remember much from those days.  I wrote to him every day, telling him every emotion that I was going through….the anger and resentment and sadness. 

He came back after the three weeks and apologized for being gone from me so long and how sorry he was that he couldn't be there for me. He was kind and caring and I ate it up.   I begged for more personal information from him.  I desperately needed to feel closer to him.  I wouldn't call it sub frenzy, but I was obsessed to say the least at this point. 

I got angry that he wouldn't share with me like I had shared with him.  I told him that I was ending it.  A few days later I got an email from a friend of Devin's telling me that Devin was sick and was in the infirmary. He said that his name was Ted and he was a contact in case there was a problem for Devin.  I felt horrible and immediately reached out to Devin.  He was mad.  Really mad. I asked Ted to help me find a way to make Devin forgive me.  Ted said that he would help as much as he could and then he hit on me.  I said no. Devin forgave me and things went back to normal for a few more months.

Three days before Christmas I got another email, but this time it was from a woman claiming that I was being lied to.  She told me that there really was no Devin and that the man telling me that he was Devin was not deployed but sitting in her living room at that very moment in Maryland. I immediately emailed Devin and asked him what was going on.  He was angry when he responded and told me that he didn't have time to deal with my craziness while he was in the middle of important military issues in the gulf.  That was it.  That was all I got. I emailed her and called her a liar.  I told her that I knew she was Ted trying to break me and Devin up.  That was when she told me that Devin was Ted.  I was blown away. Who the fuck does all that! I emailed Devin/Ted one last time asking how he could do this to me…..no reply.

Lessons learned from Devin/Ted:

1. Get detailed answers to your questions 

2. Ask for silly pictures taken in a timely manner  to verify that pictures are real. (He had used a Navy buddy’s pictures)

3. Do not ignore your gut feeling. It is there for a reason.

4. Is an online relationship really worth it? So much can be hidden and lied about 

5. Do not let them gaslight you

We are all looking for something in our lives...that one thing to complete us.  I was asked what that illusive something is for me.  I drew a blank. I can honestly say that I have everything that I need.  

I have always known that I can only depend on myself to make me happy.  No one else has that power or control, just me.  Others bring joy to my life, but there again, I control who stays and who goes in my life.  

I have come to terms with my demons from my past.  We peacefully coexist, as you never really vanquish them.  Again, ultimately that is my quest and while others can help and guide, no one can do it for me. 

I have a career that challenges me daily. It allows me to give care and a human connection to people in their scariest or most vulnerable moments. I love what I do.

I have an amazing support system.  The friends that I have, would hide a body for me and never ask a question.  I hope that they know I would do the same for them in a heart beat.

The only thing that I can think of that I need is to continue on.  I need to keep working hard and loving harder.  I need to always remember that I am blessed beyond measure.

Okay….maybe I need a few more orgasms, if that’s not asking for too much.  😁

Does this look familiar? Surely I cannot be the only one with a tangle of cords to all of my rechargeable toys. It is the biggest hassle ever to try to figure out which cord goes to which toy as they all have different ports and ends. 

I have a bad habit of not bothering to plug my toys back in, only to have them die way too soon during the next play time. I’m in a rush, or I don’t feel like digging through the macrame mess, or I am just being downright lazy.   

I was purusing Pinterest and came upon my solution! A charge strip in my drawer!  How perfect is this!?

I have my next furniture refinish all planned. 
wish me luck!

I was obsessed with horses as I grew up. Most girls had dollhouses and baby dolls,  I had the stable and plastic horses. The obsession didn't wane as I got older. I got my first horse when I was 19 and I have been collecting them ever since. Each one of my beauties is special in their own way. 

I didn't really know anything about horse training or horsemanship, but I wanted to have a better understanding of how to care for my pets. I hired a trainer who was a master at natural horsemanship. There is no yelling, screaming, or brutality in this way of training. It is the building of trust and understanding between horse and human. 

As I look back on the process and now have a better understanding of D/s, I see how the principles of both are so very similar. I watched as John, the trainer, moved and used hand commands to elicit responses. I was able to see the way nonverbal communication and body language made up so much of the relationship. He always called a training session "playing" with your horse. There were different lessons for different expected outcomes just as in D/s. Who knew that I would learn D/s from horses!