If You Care To Find Me, Look To The Western Sky...

are you the type who has to have a cuppa coffee first before engaging with others?  I in fact do not and get told I am much too chipper as I bee bop into the office. 

I love who I am!  I love who I am becoming.  I have flaws and I embrace them.  I love those I hold dear to my heart.  I had to do the work myself, BUT I had a support system who kept me going. And still keeps me going. 

can I be a mermaid after my coffee also?! 

it’s my weekend to work.  I actually enjoy working the weekends. The building is closed to the public. The office staff is not in. So it’s just me, music, coffee and the radios.   The vibe is more relaxed.  Relaxed so much that I wear Crocs!  Oh who and I kidding. I’ll wear my Crocs any day of the week.  I’ll stand at one of my windows and count the cars that don’t stop at the sign. I’ll wave as people walk by  below ( they can’t see me)  I’ll carry on one sided. Conversations with myself, I always make my point.  Well  I’m off to work. 

the crocs in question 

I have at the ripe old new age of 51, have accepted that I will never be skinny. Thin, flat stomached, thigh gaped, size 2. Hell, I will never be a size 4, 6,8,10, or 12.  For my entire life I have fought my body, hating it from probably fourth or fifth grade on, that being 1984 to just recently. 

My entire adolescence I was either overfed or underfed. I would me yelled at for not eating all on my plate, to being yelled at FOR eating all on my plate. and was always called chunky, hefty, plus sized.  I was taught that the attractive girls were a size 2 and below.  I was taught that value was in being smaller.  

Oh how I remember the commercials for Special K cereal and the Pinch an Inch ad they ran, along with Sizzelean.  Slimfast shakes. all the diet pills that would flash across the screen, Dexitrim. The Fat Free craze that swept the nation - Snackwells cookies.

I learned real quick that skinny equaled- popular, attractive. I wanted to be that so badly. I would sit on my bedroom floor and see the small amount of tummy roll over my waist and thought- could I cut it off with a pair of scissors?!! ( please know that I never attempted to do something like that- just an intrusive thought)

I grew up having cute clothes, but they were always, always a size or 2 small. It was a way for my Mommy Dearest to control my self-worth (that is another blog on its own ). 

I was a very active child, running wild across the prairies of Kansas. swimming everyday of summer, riding my bike, playing summer softball. then sports in school. I loved and still love weightlifting. oh how I love the power to move weight. I look back now and see that I was a very fit kid, muscular and strong.  I was just thick. my Volga German beet farmer trying to survive a famine genetics were prevalent in my body structure. I'm short, solid and will hold the line. 

Skipping to the now. I am who I am, and I love who I am.  I try everyday to improve my life. I take a selfie of myself everyday. I show off who I am. I show off the skin that is scared and marked. I Ride daily, I lift daily, I stretch daily. I kick ass daily. I wear the mid drifts, I wear the bikinis.

I will never be skinny nor will I be 100 pounds. I will be strong and muscular and proud to be me. 

Good morning all. I shall sip on my coffee and go about my day.  Do some typing and plan out my work weeks meals and perhaps go lay out in the sun. 

That’s the way it is in my field of work. It could always be worse. And having dark humor running rampant in my thoughts, I’ll laugh at the most morbid moments 

It’s Friday!!!  Will work be a shit show? Who knows. But I know I’ve got a smart mouth and a calm spirit- so it’s all good.