I do know who I am. If I did not know, how can I grow? I don't need to go off and find myself in India on the back of an elephant, or sit in Italy and mouth orgasm while tasting real pizza. No, I don't. Because I was never ever missing. I've been right here the entire time
You see I was me before I was me. Before I was born I was me. God formed me, to be me. He made me go through struggles and trials, I was to go through pain, and sorrow. I was meant to see all this, to feel all this. He wanted me to suffer. He did this so I can be me, the better me, the healthier me. To know just how much I need Him, and to help those who go through the same trials. I have asked for forgiveness and have been granted that. To come out of the ashes, scared from battle, but whole.
What I am doing is understanding myself more. learning why I behave the way I did/ do, what stimuli affects me and the response I then give. I'm changing negative acts and learning their root cause and shifting to a positive action. Feeling an emotion of unpleasantness and sitting with it, understanding it more. I have values and morals that I am keeping in check, along with my boundaries. I want to learn more and more, not remain stagnant is a shallow pool.
So I do know who I am, and I am growing into her more securely hour by hour. I am me! I am growing in faith. I am kind and generous,I am grace. I am somewhat intelligent (I amaze myself some days), I laugh and I cry. I will fight for what I believe in. I am a lover and a nurturer. I have my likes and dislikes, and learning to speak on them. I am a sinner.
I am a submissive, yes I can say without a doubt I am a submissive because that is how I was made. That is my gravitational pull. Submission I see more and more as a freedom to be more understanding of who I am and to love the one who's given me so much. It is Beautiful to finally see that. Submission is my heartbeat. My glory to serve one and only one with all my depth. To be his safe place when he too struggles.to be the one he devours in passion, to be his compliment, his darkest desires, his confidant, stand with him as he makes mistakes.
I fought it, wanting to only just dip a toe, feel the warmth and safety, but not fully submerge myself, because of my past fears. But that was not in the plan. God decided to tell me it was time. He pointed to everything I needed to see, he opened my eyes and made me feel it all, every emotion . No hiding from it.
Will I still have issues? Yes, of course, we are human, and we are flawed; there is no perfect person who will never have an issue or make mistakes. But I can use my skills to navigate them. I can ask for help,I continue with therapy.
Is the learning done? No, I must learn every day more about myself; it's a lifelong journey.
So this is how I know who I am, and with that I can fully commit to my love and devotion. I can know who I am and grow and learn from that.
Thank you who you are, for speaking with me as I struggle.
Edit to add: I know my journey has only truly begun. But I've started it. I'm living again. I feel more truth. It will be a lifelong journey.
