Well I was to have therapy today. But was called to be told that my therapist had injured her back. So that rescheduled. But I did not to nothing in the hour I was to be in therapy. I turned off all outside stimuli, even locked the front door. I made a cup of coffee, went and sat at the kitchen table. Opened my notebook. Set the timer and had my own session.
I wrote out how I knew my issues stemmed from my past and pointed at my mother (which we had discussed in previous sessions since May) then I spoke out loud while I wrote it out. I spoke of the abortion, I spoke of every feeling I had while going through it. Everything I remember seeing and hearing. Forgotten memories came back. A fucking corn dog and an orange Julius, or how I was not allowed to sit in the front seat anymore.
I sat there at the table and just spoke. I had tears and would stop talking and let myself feel them. It was beautiful! I let the emotions come, they were not there to hurt me, they were there to help me. I spoke about how without a doubt that was the moment I became weary of trust, because shouldn't you trust your mom? That was the moment I started down a destructive path. I knew but still did. But it's ok now. I'm not that anymore.
I spoke aloud the fear she instilled in me, how her narsacistic ways, used people. I let my anger and hate for her show today. I wished she was in hell or pergatory suffering. Then I forgave her out loud and hoped she was in comfort. I have forgiven her. I had about 15 minutes left. Instead of getting up and going about my day, I sat silently. I let myself grieve. I felt a wash over me of warmth and comfort. I told myself. ”its ok, it really is” I sat and listened to my heart and soul. I was calm. I was forgiven, I am loved.
I will retell this event with my therapist at the next appointment. So I can learn new techniques and process more.
I am good. I'm happy. The weight is leaving. It's kind of scary when the ”protective ahell” is removed. But really it wasn't protecting me. It was hindering me.
So here I am.
