*I will start off by saying that this post will contain controversial material. I always encourage a heathy debate within the comments, but my opinions come from experience and observation which is not up for debate. You don't like it, get your own blog.*
Though I love kink and the community to death, I think that we are all too often negatively affected by fallacies and falsehoods propagated by the culture. One of these, that I think we can all agree on, is the false image of the ideal Dom/me (many roles within kink are subject to this, female subs in particular, but in this instance I'm specifically discussing issues that relate to the Top side). You all know the image I'm talking about. The perfectly proportioned regal male, in a pretentious looking suit and wearing a $3000 watch. Maybe holding a glass of scotch but always in Black and White, cause that is reality, right? The Domme version is in inappropriately high, red soled stilettoes, unpratical lingerie, and probably with a cane bent into a gentle curve under her perfect buttcheeks. *Please excuse my exasperated eye roll.
I'm not saying there isn't room for the professional aspects of kink. It has a place but we must see it for what it is. It is entertainment. These images of the perfect D-type are fiction, and while they may be real experiences for some people, they certainly are not the norm. Humans are fallible creatures and Dom/mes are no exception.
Here comes the gut punches... I am endlessly frustrated with the expections placed on the D-type role. Not only is a Top expected to be leader, teacher, emotionally supportive, therapist, confidant, dependable, respectable and always poised but they are also expected to be that all the time. Heaven forbid a D-type need to remove themselves from a partner that isn't good for them, reduce play sessions, or set limits to the type of play due their own limitations and needs. I have personally witnessed that exact senario result in damage to that person's reputation as that person was then accused of being an unattentive Dom that was neglectful of their partner.
Here is the truth. We as a community put so much focus on self care but are dismissive of the needs of those on the Top side. Those that have never been on the Top side cannot understand how taxing the Top side can be. There is this general expectation that a Top will always be willing and able deal with their submissives problems, that he/she will always be willing and able to play and to meet the needs of their partner. This just isn't the case. If you have never been on the Top side you do not understand how much planning and preparation goes into a scene, or how much responsibility of the negotiation falls to the Top. In just the scene itself, ignoring all other aspects of a D/s dynamic or the negotiation process, the Top has to plan, prep, account for safety and privacy, set a pace and rhythm for the scene, consider warm up and cool down, be attentive to how the bottom is reacting and adjust accordingly, do check-ins, keep the intensity to the perfect level, have a back up plan in case anything goes wrong, exectute aftercare and all the post play check-ins, and hopefully, after all that, they can actually enjoy themselves too. That is a massive list of blocks to check, and I will tell you from experience, fuck one of those things up just one time and it can have a lasting affect on you and how others in the community perceive you.
My point in all of this is as follows... Sometimes a Dom/me can't do all of the above items or maybe they are not confident they can do them all well. There are any number of explanations for this; work stress, family life, being sick or injured, suffered a loss, or as simple as they don't feel up to it or aren't in the head space. This is ok. It is not personal. These things happen and are usually temporary.
If any s-types are reading this and care how to help, there is so much you can do. Offer up play that is controlled by you. For example, service tasks like cooking, cleaning, chores or some oral service even. Reassure your Top it's ok, you are ok, and you support their need to self care. Tell them you understand, even if you do not. Take care of yourself and your needs during that time so it's one less things your Dom/me has to worry about. Here is how you do not help. Do not take it personal. Do not pout, complain, express disappointment or play with someone else out of frustration (unless you have a non-monogamous, prenegotiated dynamic). Trust me, we already feel bad enough and we don't need more guilt.
My advice to Dom/mes... DO NOT FORCE THE PLAY AND DO NOT FEEL GUILTY ABOUT THAT! You matter too. Your needs are as important as anyone else's and you have the responsibility and right to self care.
