Rambling Thoughts and Inner Musings

Do you ever have those days where it's just one thing after another and you feel like you just need a distraction to get your mind off of it...yeah, today would be that day for me. 

It seems like everyone I talk to is busy or not responding...my mind is going in a million different directions and I can't focus for a task for more than 2 minutes....

I'm sick of crying because all I have time for is thinking...it's times like this where I wish I just had that person to take my mind off of it, or someone to just support me while I cry and get it all out. It's times like this that I feel so alone... 

Honestly, I should be letting my thoughts out anywhere else but here...I don't know why this is always the first place I think about when I do need to let them out...

I don't even know if this makes sense, if you did read all of it, thank you for taking the time to do so. Apologies for boring you to death. I just needed to vent...it's been a rough day for me and I didn't know where else to go. 

That's all...

It's been awhile since I've been on here or the other site I frequent and a lot has changed, most specifically Covid and the regulations surrounding it which I am all for! I most definitely want to go back to "normal", but is it wrong for me to be turned off by someone who hasn't even got a single vaccine? 

Before y'all start attacking me, I live on the East Coast of Canada and I got both vaccines and a booster because of the natural of my job and for certain members of my family. I also have a low immune system (literally any bug that was going around, you can be guaranteed I would catch it). Not only that, as of December 2021, vaccines were mandatory if you were working with the public or you wanted to enter public places.  

Long story short: I've been talking to someone for awhile now and we have been trying to make plans to meet up but since I'm travelling to another province next week it just wasn't working out so we were going to wait until I got back. 

Fast forward to tonight and I see a news article about how Canadians will be required to get a booster every 9 months to be "fully vaxxed". I made a comment about how I'm not getting another one but I felt like crap from the 3 that I had and didn't want to have a repeat of it. That's when he said "f*** the vaccine, I never got either one and don't plan on getting it." 

He's a sweet person, easy to talk to and we had all kinds of plans but I literally ruined all of that by saying how I don't feel comfortable meeting up with him due to the nature of my job and the fact that he isn't vaxxed. 

Of course his attitude completely changed and he went from being sweet to snotty. In a way I guess I'm kinda glad I got to see the "pissed off" version of him before meeting becauseit wasnt pretty. I mean...I don't blame him, I'd be pissed too but don't take you anger out on me over the fact that you didn't get vaccinated. 

Maybe I'm just overthinking it and the past 2 years has me brainwashed, who knows, but I'm not going to risk my elderly grandparents life nor the ones I work with over a guy I don't know. 

- just my 2 cents 

I have so many emotions running through my head right now and I just needed to write my thoughts down before it consumes me. This is the safest place to do that...

So first, my vanilla relationship...before I got back on this site, I started talking to someone that I met through a dating app. Things started slow, we met in person, covid ruined our plans over Christmas, I finally had a couple weekends off but he's been dodging my attempt at making plans all week. So when we started talking this morning, things started going downhill with us and I haven't spoken to him for 7 hrs. He said he was confused so I gladly gave him space because I don't want to be strung along.

(Editing to add i started talking to this person on a site similar to this one.) Then there's this other person who I've been talking to for weeks as well. I just wanted to find someone who could show me what bdsm is really all about and introduce me to this lifestyle in person instead of attempting it online. I thought I had finally found that person until the weather had canceled our plans to meet this weekend. But all day, the only thing he has been talking about is me sucking him...is that all that's to this lifestyle? I know the answer is "no" but because I'm so inexperienced I have no idea what to actually expect. 

Why is it so hard to find someone who genuinely cares or someone who at least tries to make an effort? Maybe I'm not cut out for BDSM or a vanilla relationship...

All I want in life is to meet that one person who truly makes me happy, whether it be BDSM or vanilla, I truly don't care or know at this point. But I really didn't want to start with me "lid on the bed with my mouth open" as he has so casually suggested earlier this week when we meet for the first time...

So on top of not feeling well because of the booster I had earlier this week, I had my entire weekend of plans canceled, lost the person who I've been talking to everyday since mid November, and debating on if I should just end things with the person I'm talking to involving the BDSM lifestyle... 

Hence why I'm full of mixed emotions...it's not that I'm looking for answers, (although some guidance on how the initial first meet generally goes would be great so I would have an idea) this is just my safe space to rant and get my thoughts out...

It's been 2 days yet I still feel lost without him. I've been putting myself out there, talking with others (thank you to those who have reached out) and yet my mind always drift back to him and the memory of watching him leave the apartment like I had set fire to it. 

I keep telling myself, it wasn't my fault, I didn't do anything except follow his instructions to remove my clothes...it just downward spiraled from there...but it's not my fault...

As I put myself out there again, I wonder if I'm finally going to find the one for me, the one who I'm able to connect with again like I did with him, the one who makes me feel wanted and pays attention to me...because at the end of the day, that's what I'm craving. 

I want to find that person who treats me with respect, who makes time for me, who is okay with how I look as I know I'm not skinny, the one who controls me and the one who I'm willing to give that control to. 

Waiting for my phone to buzz and to see the message from HIM, to feel the excitement growing within to see what HE had said is what I want to finally feel again...

2022...I want to make it my year. 

I added this as the description of my blog not realizing what it had said. Here is the original post which ties into my 2nd post (technically the first post on my blog, they got mixed up)

Today I had my first meeting with someone in person. We have been talking online for quite some time and decided today we would meet. We met in a public place and after 30 minutes, we decided it was time to start what we have been looking forward to.

Given the location (he travelled to me), we were going to go back to my apartment as it was private. Upon arrival, we walked into the house, and went straight to the bedroom.
At this point we were standing face to face, and he took the chance to remind me that Green means continue, Yellow means slow down, and Red means stop. He also reminded me that communication was key, as we have been talking about for the past little while.

He leaned down to kiss me after asking permission to do so, and told me I was wearing way too much clothes. Peeling off my shirt, then bra, followed by my leggings, I was soon standing in front of him in just my lacy thongs that I had wore specifically for today.

He turned around to get something out of his bag. He held up a collar with orange fur on the inside, leather on the outside. He asked for permission to place it on my neck which I nodded.

This is the part where everything changed...everything we had up to this point gone...will I have the courage to try this again?

The collar was a bit small in size and wouldn't buckle properly, but before I could say anything he looked at me and said "I have to go, I can't do this."

I stood there in just my lace thongs in front of him, with no idea what had just happened as he grabbed his coat and bag and left the apartment.

Did I do something wrong? He knew what I looked like from previous conversations, so that wasn't a shock to him, at least I don't think it was? All the courage I had mustered up was gone out the window at that point. Everything we had was gone with it. Weeks of talking and getting to know each other, going over limits and likes/dislikes. Talking about what the future would hold if our first in person meeting worked out....everything was gone now. That trust that we had built, it didn't matter anymore.

Will I have the courage to meet someone else?

Will I want to meet anyone else in fear of the same thing happening again?

Am I cut out for this lifestyle or am I way in over my head?

Now I have to sit with my family for New Year Eve celebrations and pretend like everything is okay...pretend that I didn't get rejected as I stood there almost naked watching him run out the door...pretend that this part of me don't exist nor do I want it to exist...and wear a smile on the face the entire night...

Happy New Years Eve to me I guess...

He messaged me...we talked. Because communication is key right...? That's what I've been told time and time again. But I wish we didn't have to talk...

He kept saying how it was his fault and he didnt set the scene so it was awkward. He said he couldn't get out of his head and that he was battling with Fantasy vs. Reality. He kept saying it wasn't me or how I look but deep down I know that was part of the reason. Me standing there like a (naked) deer in headlights as I wait for his orders...

Weeks of building a relationship...weeks of building up our trust with one another...taking the risk of meeting during a pandemic...for what? Absolutely nothing.

Now I'm back to square 1 again and I honestly don't know if I can start over. Putting myself out there today was hard, it took a lot of nerve and I don't know if I can do that a second, third, or forth time. 

I really don't...