M/s 24/7

Right now we are behind the scenes before the bear which is your cruise wear and your pop questions on stage which is a fun question.

Hello all!!!! 

The interview is over. 

I had my interview gear on.

I got asked a large range of questions from:

Do you believe the title holders are important yes or no?And why. 

Explain your shirt.

Why did you delete your fetlife profile?

You have pickles under fetish, please explain. 

How has last years issue been this year? 

(This is referring to My beloveds break down)

With a tightly packed schedule how do you expect to fit in more thing? 

(Followed up with---)

You havent been seen at Daddy events. Why? 

How can you expect to represent all people in community? 

My answer to this was, I cant. 

With all of the division in the community, if youve been a part of it,  what needs to happen? 

My answer was: 1) as an organizer you cant create safe space for everyone. For example  you can either create a safe space for marginalized people or a safe space for racists and homophobes.  (Followed by point 2) what I have seen is division leads to growth. 

I was open, honest, and spoke from my heart.

In between my interview and lunch, i helped others prep. I helped one go to the judge and answer a question that he missed. 

I brought my leather cleaner to spice up anyones leather. 

I worked hard to help others. 

Im exhausted and in considerable pain. 

My beloved stayed in the car during the interviews.  During lunch she stayed at my side. When I moved, she was sude by side with me. It paid off, as a few very angry people started circling until they realized that not only was I not moving. But I see them. They settled for facing towards us in their chairs and glowering. 

We are back at the hotel. 

Im resting for another 2 hours. 

Then I  am ready for the last leg. 

Im in my gear. 

Threw up a  boot this morning. 

Then brushed my teeth again. 

Im in my interview gear. 

Im ready!!! 

I slept. 

I showered. 

I smell much better!!!!!

Im number 4. 

I am in the running. 

My beloveds protectors were ON POINT. 

MY BELOVED WAS SO VALIDATED!!!

BRING ON TOMORROW!!! 

I AM READY!!!!!!!!

The judges are HOT AS FUCK!!!!

I AM SO EXCITED!!!

Tonight I  remove my 6 pound wedgie.

Get some food. 

Get some sleep. 

Come back raging and READY!!!!

Tonight at 7pm is the Bear /cub Meet and Greet. 

I want to say thank you so much to everyone here for all of your support. 

Your words of encouragement and advice have meant a lot to me. 

I will keep you posted through the competition.  

Love and hugz,

Bear

I cant sleep. 

I'm nauseous all the time. 

I keep thinking "what the fuck am I doing?"

I am having a hard time staying focused on the fun. 

What if I get asked "are there local groups you wont speak at?" I wont lie. 

I need to slow down and remember that this is supposed to be joyful. 

I have people that will be with beloved at all times. 

I am preparing for her safety. 

There ars some parts where she will stay in the car for her safety. 

And whats running through me is "why am I doing this if I know walking in that she is unsafe?"

Am I that self absorbed?

What is wrong with me? 

Shouldnt that be reason enough to say this isnt worth it. 

My beloved is terrified of the upcoming weekend. 

And I am conflicted and afraid. 

I am doing this because I refuse to run. 

I am doing this because this is my identity.

I am doing this because I have a right to be here. 

I am doing this because it is my way of claiming a part of myself back.

Win, loose, draw. The outcome is out of my hands. 

I just need some sleep so I can make sense of everything. 

The contest is in 2 says. 

Starts Friday at 7pm. 

I need to get my shit together. 

Its 7 days until the Bear Competition.

They have officially released 3 of the judges. 

I have my outfits. 

I have my two pieces done for the competition. 

One is chains. The other is an asymmetrical arm piece of leather. 

I have my platform and speech. 

I have sone brushing up on homework to do. Bios, history,  that sort of thing. 

Ive been prepping pop questions.  

Its coming fast. 

I think I'm  ready. 

The question is--  are they ready for me? 

Today we bought all my clothes for the Bear competition. It was surreal

Zazzle.com has some amazing BDSM shirts. I was like a kid in a candy store!!!

We ordered 2 pairs of jeans, a belt, 3 shirts, and a bra. 

Now all I need is a pair of shoes and to wait for my piece's to be made. 

This year they are doing interview. 

Im prepping like mad on leather bear history. 

Trying to study the judges- that is proving difficult. 

Where I am stuck is my 90 second speech. 

Its my platform. 

Last year I spoke about "everyone has a right to a place at the community table- who do you invite to yours?"

This year-- I'm thinking : "allowing yourself to  take up space" 

But, im still thinking. 

I watch Susan Boyle and Jonathan Antoine on Britains Got Talent. Because it inspires me. How they are perceived versus what they could actually do. 

I ask people to give me pop questions. Thats a biggie. Being prepared to answer questions on the  fly. 

I am already excited!!! 

I was doing my prep for the Bear Competition when I noticed that the judges were not listed. 

I wrote the Daddies and was went a list this morning. 

One of the potential judges is the head of a group here. We were leather family for well over a decade. Until Trump was elected. Then they changed. Or maybe I did. When they decided to ask the local bogot, homophobe,  racist, to speak at their event. I called them on it. They ripped me up one side and down the other. 

That was 3 years ago. 

They are a local predator.  I knew it and did nothing. I was complicit.  

Last year at the post Bear competition luncheon I  asked him to leave my space.  He refused. I stood  up to leave. He made like I was going to attack him. Saying "you dont want to do this". I bowed my head and said "of course you would think that."  I was shaking and crying and calling him a coward. The Daddies had to ask him to leave. 

I know I  wont win. I get that. 

The question I face is:  can I still have joy with knowing I have to interact with them? 

Can I keep it together? 

Can I do my part here without falling apart?

Is it worth the emotional fight? 

This competition matters to me. 

Being a Bear matters to me. 

Representing women identified Bears matters. 

I will not let this person run me. 

I decide. 

I am staying. 

Im just gonna need therapy afterwards.  

So, I'm watching Little House on the Prairie.  

And the first three episodes I land on Lauras dog dies, then her bestie,  then her horse....

I think she was a serial killer......